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I just knew it was my fault. I’d failed to protect them.
Now, under clouds so dark it felt like twilight, I was wearing it again and the tightness of the jacket across my shoulders, the way it bunched up at the elbows, even the smell of the damn thing…it all took me right back to that day.
I took a slow breath in and told myself I was in New York, not back in that churchyard in Texas. But all I could smell was the same scent of wet, freshly-dug earth. I tried to listen to what the preacher was saying but the rain was drumming on the umbrella I held above us, muffling his voice, and every time I closed my eyes, I could see two coffins in front of me, not one. Goddammit….
I looked to my right. Lorna stood next to me in a black dress, her hair pinned up. She was crying almost silently, just little quakes of her body as the tears spilled down her cheeks. Cody was pressed tight to her side. His gaze locked on his grandfather’s coffin, his eyes huge. I recognized the look: it was all just becoming real to him.
Both of them were in pieces. They needed me. So I told myself angrily to damn well hold it together. I set my jaw and forced the memories down inside.
The preacher finished his piece and then said gently, “Would anyone like to say a few words?” He looked at Lorna and I saw her physically flinch, terrified. She glanced around at the crowd: despite the rain, over a hundred people had shown up. Lorna shook her head, then dropped her gaze and glared at her shoes.
I reached out and put my hand on her shoulder. She looked up at me and I nodded gently to her: it’s okay. She gave me a quick, grateful nod but I could see she was fuming at herself.
Miles stepped forward. For once, he wasn’t wearing sunglasses and he looked a little healthier than last time I’d seen him. “Everyone who knew my father,” he began, “be it as a boss, a business partner or a friend, knows that he was a good man. He had integrity.”
People nodded somberly. I could feel the emotion running through the crowd: they’d really liked Russ. And in the few hours I’d known him, I’d really liked him, too.
“I don’t know how we’re going to go on without you,” said Miles. His voice, normally so confident and controlled, was rough with emotion. “But we will go on, because that’s what you’d want. And I’m going to do my best to make you proud.”
He rejoined us, his eyes shining. The preacher said a few final words and then stepped back and nodded to the pallbearers. They slowly lowered the coffin into the grave as a Scottish piper began to play. I’d never been a fan of the bagpipes but, damn, I guess I’d just never heard them played well before, because what came out of them was haunting, beautiful: the hair on the back of my neck stood up.
I heard Lorna give a shaky little intake of breath and when I looked down at her, she’d gone rigid. The coffin had just sunk out of sight and I remembered that moment from four years ago, that single second when it goes beneath the earth and you know the person you laughed and danced and made plans with is never coming back.
She turned around and just collapsed into me, sobbing into my shirt. My arms came up around her and I held her to me, patting her back. Cody joined us, pressing into her side, and I dropped the umbrella, reached down, and clutched him with my other arm.
The two of them clung to me and I stood there breathing hard, trying to comfort them while trying to hold myself together. All the memories were flooding back and it felt like my heart was being ripped out of me all over again. I wanted so bad to let them go, turn away, and just be alone until I was back in control. Instead, I held them tighter. They needed me.
I was real glad the rain was streaming down my face.
At last, I felt Lorna inhale, gathering herself. Then she gave me a last squeeze and stepped back. She looked up at me, eyes red and cheeks tear-stained. She couldn’t speak yet, so she just gave me a little nod of thanks, and I nodded back. She took Cody’s hand in one hand and grabbed mine with the other, squeezing it tight. Please stay close.
I squeezed back. Count on it.
We began to move slowly toward the waiting cars. The rain was still coming down but we were already soaked so there didn’t seem much point using the umbrella now. Cody was blinking hard. He saw me looking at him and turned away guiltily.
