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But everything stayed as it was. Jillian was gone. Max was gone. And I was in Lorna’s bed.
I looked down and saw her mutter and shift in her sleep. Oh Jesus, what have I done?
It wasn’t just the sex. The sex was cheating and cheating only made me feel like a piece of shit. It was the way I felt when I looked at her. The way I felt when I looked at Cody. I’d let them into that cold, raggedly-torn place where Jillian and Max used to live and that was way, way worse. You bastard. How could you forget them?
Lorna mumbled and came awake, feeling for me behind her and tracing my torso, then opening her eyes when she realized I was sitting up. “What’s up?” she asked sleepily. Then, when I didn’t answer, “JD?”
I turned away, staring out at the city lights.
“JD?” She put her hand on my shoulder, worried, now. “Talk to me.”
I knew what I had to do. I just didn’t want to do it. I thought back to when I’d taken pieces of shrapnel. It was always better to pull it out fast, right?
“This was a mistake,” I told her.
Her hand jerked back as if bitten. I turned and saw her face crumpling. Shit. Why was I so bad at this?
I grabbed her hands. “I want to. I’m crazy about you.” My hands squeezed hers. “And I’ll protect you and Cody with my dying breath but I can’t do…”—I looked at the bed, at the two of us—”...this.”
She stared at me, utterly wounded, and the guilt tore even deeper. “Why not?”
“Because being with you means letting go of them.”
It was a lousy explanation but she got it. She nodded. Turned away and just sat there on the bed for a few moments, processing. Then she got up, dug in a drawer and started pulling on some pajamas.
“Lorna…”
“I’m fine.” She had the bottoms on, now.
“Lorna—”
She pulled the top on. “Just give me some space.” She hurried out into the hall, leaving me cursing.
35
LORNA
I managed to get out of the bedroom before the tears started. I had to blink my way down the stairs as my vision swam and by the time I reached my dad’s office, shut the door and leaned against it, my chest was heaving with deep, painful sobs. But that was okay. The sun wasn’t even up yet and no one else was here. No one would see.
I looked around at my dad’s office: I wasn’t sure I’d ever start thinking of it as mine. But the pain of losing him was starting to change, the brutal dislocation of him not being there slowly being replaced by sadness. It didn’t hurt any less but I felt like I was on a path to somewhere where it would.
But JD…from the pain I’d seen in his eyes, from the way he’d spoken about his lost family…his pain was as fresh and horrifying as the day he lost them. God, the poor guy. He hadn’t moved on, maybe hadn’t even grieved. So of course, when he met someone he cared about, he felt disloyal.
The last thing I wanted to do was force him to let go of them. But if I didn’t, if someone didn’t, JD was going to be alone forever. I crossed my arms, hugging myself, as hot tears rolled down my cheeks. I felt guilty for thinking of myself but…God, for a moment, I’d really thought the two of us had a chance and that Cody had a shot at having a father.
Cody. I really hoped he hadn’t figured out that there was something between us. Even if he hadn’t, he’d gotten attached to JD and now JD would be leaving as soon as this whole thing was over. It was going to break his heart. And mine, too.
I had to do something, or I was going to go crazy. I swiped at my face with the sleeve of my pajamas and sat down at my dad’s desk.
Ever since the party, I’d been worried about what Henry Creel had said. What if he’d been telling the truth about my dad bribing him? I needed to know if the guy I’d hero-worshipped all my life had really been dirty. I felt like I was already as broken as I could be: if there was more bad news, I wanted to get it out of the way now, when it couldn’t push me any lower.
For the next few hours, I dug through every bit of paperwork my dad possessed, everything that he hadn’t entered into the official accounts. But as I reached the bottom of the last drawer, I dared to hope. I’d found nothing: no bribes, no secret deals. My dad really had played it straight, just like I’d hoped.
I lifted out the very last file: just paperwork from the early days of the dam project in Poland. Nothing suspicious…but as I took it out, a yellow slip of paper that had gotten stuck to the back fluttered down and drifted under the desk. I rooted around and brought it up into the light.
