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Now it all makes sense. Her over-the-top reaction to our fight. Her reluctance to even talk to me about it. She doesn’t want to end up like my mother, even though my mother had the life she wanted.
And now that I think about it, I remember the way my father looked at her. I remember the way she smiled so softly every time he touched her. She was happy. She had everything she wanted, including the man she’d fallen in love with.
“How do I prove that I’m not him, Addison? I’ve already changed my work schedule. There won’t be many trips. I won’t work as long. All those things had already been put into the works when we had our fight. Things take time is all.”
She shrugs. “I don’t know, Phillip. But I don’t trust you. I know that you’ve never lied to me, but I also know that the way we lived is not the way I want my life to be. You’ll always put your company ahead of me. You’ll always put it before any children we have. You’re married to your company already, and I won’t be your second wife.”
“Isn’t every man married to his job? Doesn’t a welder have to go to work even if it’s his kid’s birthday? Doesn’t a programmer have to work overtime during crunch time even if his wife wants to go on a date? How is my job any different?”
“A programmer doesn’t work seven days a week for fifteen hours a day, Phillip. For weeks or even months at a time. Didn’t your father do just that for your entire life?”
Those changes have already been made. I mean, there will always be nights I have to work late, but that’s just part of owning a company. “I don’t want to be the man I was before I met you, Addison. Let me show you I won’t be.”
She sighs. “No. I almost let you pull me into that life once. I won’t do it again because you’ll go back to that life. You’ll always go back to the man whose life belongs to Loughton House.”
Before I can say anything to argue, she says, “I’m sorry for the things I said in our fight. I want you to know that. I hope you find a way out of the chains that tie you to Loughton House. Find some freedom even while you run the company because you were the most wonderful man I could have ever dreamed of when you were free. But you’re not free anymore, and that’s a terrible thing.”
She turns away from me, but not before I notice tears welling up. “Goodbye Phillip,” she says as she walks away from me.
I’m left staring at her. I’ve worked so hard to create a work-life balance. Everything’s been restructured. What else could I do? How else could I change my world for Addison?
I’m willing to do what it takes. I just don’t know how. My instinct is anger, but it fades almost immediately as Addison walks out the door. Anger made her leave. It certainly won’t help me now.
No, now is the time for me to do what I’m best at. Find the solution to an impossible problem.
And for the first time since Addison walked out my door, I feel like things make sense. I understand why she walked away, why she refused to come back. Now I just have to prove that I won’t be my father and she’ll never have to compete with Loughton House for my attention.
An impossible problem that I am absolutely ready to tackle.
Fifty-Five
ADDISON
It hurt so muchwhen I walked away from Phillip the first time, but this was worse. Seeing him again, seeing the need in his eyes when we talked… It nearly broke me. I nearly gave in, and I still question whether I should just call him and beg him to take me back.
Because I do love him. I loved that man that spent a month living with me.
I just can’t live the life that I was heading toward. Sure, he probably could come home at five or six every evening. He almost certainly could take a day or two off every week, and maybe he could take a couple of weeks off for vacation.
But what will happen in a year? What about when he gets a report about losses or needs to do another expansion? Will he be able to make time for me when his instincts are to live in his office and tackle problem after problem?
No, he’ll keep going back to that life no matter what happens. I can’t live that way, in a constant battle for the man I love with a mistress that he’ll never leave.
I wrap Nana’s afghan around me, the same one that Phillip slept with that first night he stayed with me. Full of memories, it’s always been like a safety blanket for me, but now it’s attached to him, too. That’s the way it feels with everything in my life, and it’s why I have to do this tonight.
I pull up the text message that I’ve gone back to so many times. Phillip’s apology. With shaking fingers, I press down on it and, with a deep breath, hit the delete button. I can’t keep thinking about him. I can’t keep questioning my decisions.
My life is going in all the right directions, and Phillip Loughton isn’t one of them. He’ll do nothing but turn a wonderful future into me waiting on the man I love to get home for a few minutes before we go to sleep. Eating food that’s been in the warmer for hours. Experiencing nothing except waiting for him.
I don’t try to stop the tears that begin streaming down my face. I don’t try to stop the pain or anger at losing what could have been the perfect relationship. Hell, I welcome them. I embrace the agony. That’s why I’m wearing that silk shirt he left me in at the Neptune Motel. That’s why I’m inhaling that dark scent that’s never left it.
And then I block his number.
Tonight is the end of us. Nothing will change. Nothing will pull me away from the life I’ve always wanted, and regardless of how much it hurts, I need to experience all of this. I need to remember the good times and the bad. There will be tears, but there will also be laughter.
I refill the “You make me forget batteries” mug with wine and sprite. I may be sitting alone in my apartment, but tonight is a funeral.
The wine helps me to remember. The night we shared at the Neptune Motel. The way he stared at my tits through my soaked shirt. The bed we shared where I wished he would grope me.
