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“Lennon…” I’m at a complete loss for words. My heart bangs painfully against my ribs as I’m confronted with the impossible situation of watching someone I love struggle and being powerless to help.
“I don’t know what to do with them,” she admits, still looking at the line of cars departing from the church’s parking lot.
I swallow. “You could spread them on the farm.”
She nods once. “That’s all I could think of. But… I don’t know. It doesn’t seem like enough.”
“I think it’s what he would have wanted,” I tell her, praying I’m not overstepping.
She nods again. “Yeah, you’re right.”
“I can come…”
Lennon shakes her head. “I need to do this myself. And I know you have to get back.”
“Okay.”
“I wish I’d been there, but I’m also glad I wasn’t.”
I nod. “I know.”
There’s a stretch of silence, long enough I think this might be how we say goodbye: five feet apart. But then Lennon turns toward me and closes all the distance between us. I can taste the salt of her tears on her lips before she buries her face in my neck.
“I love you, Matthews,” I whisper. There’s a lot more I want to say. About Earl and about Clarkson and about the future. But I’m not sure if she’s ready to hear any of it. If she needs time and space to adjust to everything that has suddenly changed in her life, I’ll give it to her.
“I love you too, Winters,” she replies. “Drive safe.”
Lennon walks away first, leaving me standing here.
I head for my truck and hoist myself into the driver’s seat. The moments right after leaving her are always the worst. When I can still see her, but know I need to add to the distance between us.
This time is especially tough, for obvious reasons.
I know she’s grieving.
I know the rug just got pulled out from under her feet.
I know more change probably seems like the most unappealing thing in the world right now.
But I also know Earl wanted Lennon to go to a good college. If he were still here, nothing would have made him happier than seeing her thrive at a school that challenged her.
The harsh reality of his death—one I know Lennon doesn’t want to face yet—is that she has more options. Horses and land don’t have a fraction of the hold on her that Earl did. She spent every moment with him she could, and now there aren’t any left to share.
If she still stays in Landry, it will feel less like familial obligation and more like lack of love. That’s probably not fair, especially in the wake of the three words she just told me. And since I haven’t given up anything for her.
The night we got together, she told me she was scared to compete against other parts of my life.
Now, I’m experiencing the same fear.
Because I feel like I’m losing.
* * *
The brick house I’ve lived in since sophomore year is in total chaos when I open the front door.
“Hey! Winters!”
I turn to see Drew Maxwell, one of my teammates and housemates, strolling up the walk behind me.
