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What was it about Grace that brought everything to the surface? All the things he worked so hard to shove down and bury? Because he had good people in his life, people he could trust. People he could talk to.
But with her, there was a connection beyond the physical, beneath the obvious thud of his heart. Their unique chemistry bound him to her, and his spirit recognized hers as safe. As home.
She reached for his hand and drew him closer. Gently, she sifted her fingers through his hair. “We’re still in the zone. You can tell me anything.”
“I can’t take it anymore. I can’t.” It all gurgled up to the surface and spilled out. “It’s like there’s this shadow lurking behind everything I do. And it’s not even the nightmare itself. Most of the time, it’s just a feeling that pops up out of nowhere. I can be playing hockey or at our Sunday night family dinner—it doesn’t matter. It grabs me, and I seize up.” He couldn’t believe how good it felt to get it off his chest.
“Oh, anxiety. Yeah.” She nodded like it was the most normal thing in the world.
But it wasn’t. It couldn’t be.
She smiled. “I get them, too.”
“Them?”
“Anxiety attacks. What, you think you’re the only one? Oh, come on. It’s the most common thing in the world. What I do is make a quick assessment. Am I okay? Is the house on fire? Okay, good. Everything’s fine.”
“I do that, too.”
“Yeah, see? They’re manageable. The guilt, though…I don’t know what to say about that. It feels like a choice to me. You refuse to forgive yourself for something that happened ten years ago, something that was totally within the playbook of what you guys did together. So, if you want to hang onto it, that’s fine. But you’re never going to live a full life.”
Noise filled his head, and he went very still inside. His mind refused to process her words. But they hung in the air, hovering, pulsing.
And then, she sucked in a breath. “Oh. Ofcourse. You don’t want a full life because you stole Booker’s. This is your penance. Wow.”
“I don’t know that I’ve ever thought that—”
“You don’t have to. You live it. Oh, man. That is one big price to pay. Let me ask you something. What ifBookerhad sent that text? What if his team had pulled his contract at the last minute, and he’d asked you guys to come over and have a few beers? If he’d decided to jump that night, and you were the one who got hurt and had to give up hockey, would you hate him? Would you think he didn’t deserve happiness?”
He answered without hesitation. “No.”
“You’d forgive him?”
“Absolutely.”
“Okay, then tell him that. Pretend I’m Booker, and I’ve just told you how much guilt I feel. What’re you going to say to me?”
She thought this would be a life-transforming exercise. That she was offering a tectonic shift to his emotional state. She was wrong. “You’re asking me to imagine a scenario I can’t relate to. I wasn’t drafted. Besides, I’d already lost hockey, remember? I had to stay home—”
“No, you didn’t. Your parents didn’t tell you to help save the ranch. It was a choice you made. Selfish teenagers don’t make choices like that, by the way. But you did.”
He appreciated what she was trying to do, but he couldn’t do it. He couldn’t pretend. “In any event, it didn’t happen like that. It was me. I did it.”
She wrapped her legs around his hips and jerked him closer. “Yeah, real clear on that. But you should treat yourself with the same kindness you’d treat a friend. And if you won’t do it, I will. Here’s what I’d say.” Cupping his cheeks, she held his gaze. “Booker, dude, are you serious? I had no idea you were so messed up over this. Look, it sucked. It was a rough couple of years but look where I am now. I’m doing great. Besides, if I’d gotten news like that, if the Cavalcade had pulled my contract, you bet your ass I’d have asked you guys to come over and commiserate with me. It was our last night. You guys were all going off to live the dream we’d always imagined. Of course, I would’ve. And you know what else? We did what we always did when we got together. Only that time, things went sideways. But I’m okay now, so let it go. I’ve moved on. We’re cool.”
“I don’t think you understand what hockey meant to Booker and his family.”
“You’re right. I don’t. But I do know you’re not responsible for how Booker processes what happens to him. You’re only responsible for your decisions and choices. And you’ve made some damn good ones since that night.”
“You have more faith in me than I do.” He brushed the hair out of her eyes. “Why is that?”
“Because I don’t know teenage Jaime. I know the man you are today. You’re good and caring and hardworking and generous.”
“And handsome?”
She smiled. “Oh, please. I’m not going to feed that giant ego.”
“What? I’m just trying to get a clear picture of how you see me.” He wanted to keep teasing her. Because the temptation to believe her was so strong it scared him.
