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I didn’t want to leave him, but it seemed too obvious I’m mad about him if I stayed. He’ll think I’m too needy if I keep loitering about waiting for him. This is the first time we’ve been alone in the house since we made out in the kitchen. Sitting, drinking tea with him and pretending I’m not burning up to feel his hands on me again was impossible.
Does he know how badly I’ve fallen for him? I can’t stop thinking about him, and I’m at the point where I don’t even care if we can’t have something serious. I just want to be with him again.
There’s a broken piece of my soul that believes I’m not worthy of being with a man of his status. I hate that I have that thought somewhere deep in my consciousness, but there’s nothing I can do about it, no matter how much I beat myself up. You can’t bully yourself into feeling worthy, and I know that I still feel not quite enough, no matter how much I work on improving myself.
Turning the situation over in my mind, during the long restless nights, I’ve asked myself again and again whether it is worth loving fully just once, if this is my only chance. This may be the only time we have together, and I’ve never felt like this about anyone. These thoughts make me feel wild and reckless.
A few days after I thought he’d been on a date, he mentioned casually that it was a meeting with a family friend. The pain in my heart lifted, and I hummed all day, feeling light and happy.
He’s single, so why not be with him, whilst I can?
I don’t want to die a lonely old maid, wishing I’d been bolder and courageous enough to go after what I want—whoI want. It’s not as if he doesn’t want me sexually. There’s a smouldering energy between us. Tonight, in the kitchen, it was off the charts, and I kept having flashbacks of how he swept me up onto the island the first time we kissed. Well, it was theonlytime we kissed. And okay, we didn’t go all the way, but he transported me to places I’ve never been.
I’ve not managed to come when a man has gone down on me before, so I tell myself that it’s no wonder the experience is scorched vividly into my memory. Just the thought of him running his tongue over my most sensitive place and making me orgasm so quickly, makes me shiver, and lust spirals through me. He’s clearly a skilled lover, and I crave more of him. But it’s bigger than that—I’m drawn to him like a moth to a flame and I’ve given up fighting the attraction.
Moving about my bedroom in a daze, I take a quick shower and change into my nightshirt. I have a busy day tomorrow, and should go to sleep, but my senses are racing and all I want is to go back downstairs and kiss him. Or even better, knock on his bedroom door and offer myself to him if he wants me.
What was it Juliette said?Friends with benefits.
It’s time to take a risk.
Juliette said that as I like him so much, I should just go for it and take my chances, but then she’s always been more adventurous than me. She’s had her heart shattered, whereas my heart hasn’t ever truly been tested in love. Things have always sort of fizzled out in my romances and we’ve called things off by mutual agreement, with no big drama. In all honesty, my love life has been dull. I’ve never been sexually attracted to anyone in the way I am to him. It’s as though all logic disappears whenever he's around and I’m desperate to be close to him.
But I’m scared of being hurt and experiencing all those terrible feelings of loss, like when my parents died. Deep down, I know that’s why I’ve always held back in relationships. It’s safer to keep things neat and unemotional, and I’ve never felt the urge to open myself up to anyone in this way before.
Until Sebastian. Everything’s different with him. An inner voice keeps whispering to me he’s the one and I should trust my feelings for him.
I brush my teeth and examine my face in the huge mirror. It doesn’t look like I’m going to sleep tonight. My eyes are shining, and I’m too restless to sleep. It’s in that second, I decide that for tonight, I will not play it safe.
If you’re not willing to get into the game, how will you ever win?I whisper to my reflection.
Taking one last look at myself in the mirror, and smoothing down my messy hair, my legs propel me to the door, even as my heart clatters. I’m pumped but also terrified and I wonder if I’m on my way to make the biggest mistake of my life.
Am I about to do something that will lead to me losing my job and having to return to Paris before the year is up?
Quietly, I glide down the stairs in a dreamlike state, to the landing where Sebastian’s room is. My heart’s pounding so loudly at the thought of how brazen I’m being. I feel disorientated. But I keep walking as though something beyond me has taken over. As my toes sink into the plush carpet and my bare feet approach Sebastian’s bedroom door, he looms in front of me, and I jump.
I’m acting on impulse and am shocked to bump into him without a chance to prepare myself or reconsider my actions and flee to the safety of my suite.
He makes a slight noise as if he’s just as shocked to see me, but I can’t make out his expression in the pale night light.
Then he asks if he can get me something, which is so typical of him. He doesn’t act like a mega-rich guy—well, not with me, anyway. The other rich families I’ve worked for have always been very clear that I’m there to serve them, not the other way around. And that’s fair enough—they’re paying me, after all. But Seb is different, and he’s been different since the first day I arrived. He treats me like his equal, not like the paid help. Sometimes I wish he wasn’t so well-behaved and would take the lead and come onto me again, but I know that’s unfair. He made it clear that my position as Daisy’s nanny is important to him, and I get why he doesn’t want us to have a thing.
But lord, how I want us to have a thing, and I want it now, like I’ve never wanted anything. And when we brush past each other and accidentally touch, a tremor runs through me, and I know I’m going to make love to him tonight if he’ll have me.
We move towards each other, and our lips merge as if it’s the most natural thing in the world, and before I can think what’s happening, my back is against the wall on the dimly lit landing and he’s touching me and I’m touching him and it’s delicious and I never want it to end.
When he pauses to ask if I’m sure I want this even though we can’t have anything more, I hear my words ringing out from a distant place, assuring him I don’t want anything serious. My voice sounds confident and casual, like I’m speaking the truth and wouldn’t dream of wanting a long-term relationship with him.
Liar.
Yes,I’ve become a liar, and I don’t care. All I want is him, now, and I’ll lie to him and to myself if that’s what it takes to be with him. I’m conscious that all we have is tonight, and I’m going to make the most of it.
Tomorrow, everything will return to normal with Daisy at home, following me around like my little shadow and Mrs Johnson cooking in the kitchen, and the assistant housekeeper tidying the bedrooms, and the other part-time staff popping in and out to make sure the house and garden are pristine. Sebastian will go to work, and I’ll miss my chance if I don’t take it now.
He kisses me again and his hard mound pushes into the thin material of my nightshirt, and the feel of him drives me crazy. I tug on his jeans, desperate to touch his hardness. I want to taste him and give him the intense pleasure he gave me last time. I want us to pick up where we left off, and when I grip him firmly in my hands, he groans, which turns me on even more. The sound of him surrendering to my touch after fantasising about him for so long inflames me. My inhibitions evaporate, and I drop to my knees and take him in my mouth.
He groans again, louder this time, and when I hear my name on his lips, it sounds right, and like it is meant to be. I can tell he’s losing it, and then he pulls me gently to my feet and leads me by the hand through the door into his bedroom. A light flickers on as we enter and I blink as I scan his bedroom for the first time. I’ve been tempted to open the door and have a quick look at his rooms when he’s been in London, but I held myself back as it didn’t seem fair. If he wanted me to see his room, he would show me around, but here I am in his inner sanctum, and a rush of joy darts through my chest.
