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The moment Tanner left the other night, the dam opened, and all my tears came out in full force. Saying goodbye to him was more difficult than I ever thought it could be—which is ridiculous because we knew each other all of 48 hours.
How crazy does that sound?
Nevertheless, I was sad about losing whatcould have been,I guess.
I’m still sad about the entire situation, but now, something else has joined the party.
Horniness.
Each night, my vibrator is getting more of a workout than it’s gotten in years. Sure, I will read my books and use it every now and then, but now, I’m touching myself like a guy who just discovered porn.
Even when I read all the sexy stuff in my romance novels now, all I can picture is Tanner doing those things to me.
I bet he’d be good at all of them.
I figure as time goes on, Tanner will slowly start to fade from my mind. I mean, he has to, right? I can’t go on pining for this man forever.
Gina called me yesterday to see how everything went over the weekend and then asked a bunch of questions that I didn’t want to hear—mainly because I have no idea how to answer them.
Are you really going to be alone until all your kids are out of the house? You realize Joey is only four? That’s fourteen more years of you putting everyone else ahead of yourself.
How long are you going to let Judd have control over what you do in YOUR life?
Don’t you want your kids to see their mother be HAPPY?
The whole thing felt like I was being attacked at the time, but since I’ve had to think about it, I know she’s just looking out for me. That doesn’t make it any easier to hear, though. Because honestly, I don’t have an answer to any of it.
Although I haven’t thought much about actually being with somebody seriously, I hadn’t considered the fact that Judd and my agreement means I wouldn’t be with anyone for a huge chunk of my life. And I already feel like I wasted so much of it with Judd, I’m not sure how much more I want to give up.
I don’t know. I don’t have any answers. All I know is that I’m the rock that my kids depend on. Right now, that should be my focus.
With the occasional daydream about Tanner to get me through.
Pulling me from my thoughts, Chris asks, “Is Dad still coming?”
“I think so,” I tell him. “Maybe he got held up at work.”
I have to give Judd credit that he makes an effort to come to most of the kids’ games and tries to make to the practices that I can’t make it to. With two kids in sports full time and one just starting out, it takes both of us to figure out a good schedule. It’s quite possibly the one thing Judd and I can be civil on.
It is a little surprising that he’s not here yet. I consider texting him, but he would probably just give me crap about not leaving him alone, so I decide against it.
A few minutes later, the game starts, and I watch all the kids kick the ball back and forth—and kick it out of bounds approximately every six seconds. They’re eight and not great at ball control.
Joey suddenly cries, “Dad’s here!”
I look over to see Judd walking toward the bleachers.
And he’s not alone.
Pure shock overcomes me as I see him holding hands with a long-legged blonde woman. With her painted-on makeup and big hair, she looks like she’s ready to compete in a Dolly Parton look alike contest.
I shouldn’t say that.
Dolly Parton is far too classy to be in a category with this woman, look alike or not.
Just when I think my shock level couldn’t be any higher, Joey yells, “Mary Louise!” As he runs over to see her and his daddy.
I’m sorry. Do my kids KNOW this woman?
