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Before he’d proposed, I hadn’t seen into next month, let alone next week without him by my side. I don’t want his side of the bed cold when I wake up tomorrow morning. I want the silly scribbled notes on the pillow telling me he’ll be back before I can miss him. That’s not the faintest bit true. I notice when Cary isn’t by my side. Like a wartime bride, I wait each Friday afternoon by the window for my men to come home safe and sound.
I can’t force Cary to stay. I can’t force him to go. I can’t give both my son and me the one person we both need because the one we hadn’t still holds the power to break my will.
The door to Jake’s office slides across the carpet.
I sit, grabbing my forehead to bring my addled brain along. The soft blanket falls to my lap in a heap.
Compose yourself.
Cary kneels, putting his hands on my knees. “You can’t keep this pace up, Doll.”
I hear the concern in his voice. The anguish marring his features.
Yet, I tell myself I have to. I have no other choice.
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34
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Two months into the biggest friggin’ nightmare.
Two months of putting our excitement on hold, despite our wedding day approaching on schedule.
Two months of loving Holly through it… as if not loving her was even a choice.
Sparks of Holly’s spirit emerge every now and again. The toll it’s taking on her I see every day. It was supposed to be the three of us. William was never part of this picture. We were a unit and no one had reason to consider we’d be dealing with a custody dispute. Not to mention William’s request for support from Holly has her convinced she has to work herself to the bone to keep up with the demands of her job.
If it was this easy for William to get visitation, what stops the court from denying him anything else? She’s put herself back on the club’s schedule for the weekends, lying that it gives me and Bhodi back the time together we deserve to spend together on Saturdays.
It’s not her fault her ex has waltzed in after a decade of being a deadbeat. Nevertheless, she takes it personally.
I’m no fool. The tips are bigger and she’s saving every penny she earns. She shuts down any conversation about me covering any legal bills. Her stubbornness is becoming a detriment instead of a habit I treasure.
From what little Holly’s lawyer has mentioned, these negotiations won’t be equitable let alone in Holly’s favor because of past precedent. She had less incentive to go after William when it was going to drain her bank accounts. That was cash she needed for them to get by.
The funk she’s in is hard to pull her out of. I need her to count on me, and she’s reticent to accept that she can. Saying it’s not fair to me seems immature. It’s not, though.
I’m almost mad that Holly taught Bhodi such good manners around strangers. The initial hour-long Saturday visits went smooth enough that, well before I’m ready, William’s at our doorstep, interrupting our family time.
I wish Bhodi would have fought like hell to get out of seeing his father. But I can also tell by his sullen attitude about missing out on a third monthly field trip with program friends that my half-pint’s not into having to act the grown-up.
Holly and I promised him next weekend we’ll go to the beach house if the weather holds out. He’s allowed to bring any friend he wants. I can’t believe we’re in a position where we have to make up for the time he’s forced to spend with his father.
I insist to Holly that William needs to pick up Bhodi from my house in Brighton. It’s a prick move, but I don’t trust William and I want him to see the power Holly has standing behind her.
What’s that saying? Walk softly? Yeah, we’re playing the game by the fucked-up-and-ridiculously-skewed-in-biology’s-favor rules. However, William needs to see how big a stick I can hit him with if I decide to. I flat out asked my therapist if that made me as bad as Rexy. Got a straight answer from the counselor this time too: A big fat no.
We’re outside in the driveway with my palm encased on Holly’s waist for comfort. William glances between us and the second floor bedroom window where Bhodi has stuck cartoon character clings to the glass.
William placates me with “nice place”. He’d come off as sincere if dollar signs weren’t flashing in his eyes. Although, perhaps it’s the reaction I was looking to gauge for myself.
From the get-go, my car salesman intuition has been tossing some big red flags up. Something is off about this guy.
It’s not that I’m pissed William’s taking up Bhodi’s time that used to be mine—and, yes, I am. I’m simply calling that jealousy what it is and setting it aside—or that Holly’s having a hellish few months. William is tearing apart the person she created in his absence. He’s hitting one of the strongest women I’ve ever encountered right where it hurts.
“Without Bhodi I have nothing,” she once said.
