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“I’m sorry,” I tell her. When she turns around so we are face to face, I can see the defeat all over her perfect features lit by the glow of the light on my nightstand. She sits up, pulls her hair to one side, and begins to play with the ends of it. “What is it, baby?”
“I feel like I’m in the dark.” She blinks her eyes a few times. “You’re usually my light but…not knowing that you were married before feels big even if you didn’t love her. It makes me feel like we took a lot of steps back. Like you telling me you love me somehow means less than it did before.”
“It doesn’t.” I shake my head and sit up so we are face to face. “I love you, Shay. Only you.”
“I’m not jealous,” she says instantly.
“I know,” I tell her and I believe that. I don’t think she’s jealous of Heather. She shouldn’t be. There really was nothing there.
“That doesn’t mean I love the fact that you’ve been married before, but I’m not jealous.” She twists her mouth and looks away before turning back to look at me a moment later. “Did you ever think about marrying Simone?”
“Maybe,” I tell her honestly. “In an abstract thought when I was thinking about the future, but I think it was more the idea of marriage that I knew I wanted in the future. Not necessarily with her. I also wasn’t interested in marriage then, which is one of the reasons we parted, like I told you.” A chuckle leaves me as I think about how Simone would have reacted if I told her I was going to start protecting Shay Eastwood. “She would not have liked me being your bodyguard.”
She cocks her head to the side innocently and flutters her brown eyes at me. “Why?”
I give her a look because she can’t be new to women being jealous of her. “Because you’re drop-dead gorgeous, baby, and I’ve spent the last four years living on your property.” She nods in understanding and I can see her mind spinning with another question. I drag my knuckles down her cheek gently in an attempt to calm her nerves. “What else?”
She swallows. “You said you don’t typically talk about your mom to anyone. Did you…with any of your past relationships?”
“Is that what this is about?”
“No…maybe? I don’t know. You know all my deep dark secrets and I guess it makes me feel like you don’t know if you can trust me and maybe that’s selfish to think it’s about me.” She lowers her chin. “I guess I’m just feeling insecure.”
“I wish you didn’t.” She’s biting her bottom lip and I reach up to release it from between her teeth, rubbing my thumb over the wet skin. “I know it’s not that simple but no one has ever had my heart but you, Shay.” Her watery brown eyes meet mine and she shakes her head. I pull her into my arms so her back is against my chest and I interlace our fingers. “I love you.”
“I love you too.” She looks up at me and gives me her lips. I take them eagerly, kissing her through the discomfort that comes with thinking about my mother.
I pull back and turn my light off, cloaking the room in darkness. “She left when I was five because she didn’t want to be a mom. I guess she was scared or thought she wouldn’t be good at it and she was worried about screwing me up.” I chuckle darkly. “The irony.”
“Damian…” she whispers and strokes my arm that’s wrapped around her middle.
“She told my dad she loved him but she wasn’t ready to be a mom. She didn’t even say goodbye to me.”
She freezes in my arms and then brings her hand to her lips. “I’m so sorry, baby.”
“It’s okay. My dad and I…we were great, and then he met my stepmom and she treated me like her own so it was all good after a while. But she is why I struggle with not feeling good enough when it comes to women because I wasn’t even good enough for the one that brought me into the world.”
She gasps and turns in my arms, and though I can’t make out all of her features, I know she’s staring at me. “That’s absolutely not true. That is not on you, Damian. She left because ofher,not because of you.” She leans in closer and her scent surrounds me as she drags her fingertips over my jaw. “I would never leave you, Damian.”
It’s been a few days and I can’t shake the feeling of annoyance.
At my friends.
At Damian.
At the world.
I don’t know if I’m still a little irritated that he kept something like that from me or I’m feeling territorial that he’s been married before or maybe a combination of the two, but I’m in a foul mood and everyone is taking notice.
Maybe it’s because I wonder how this is going to work between him and I.
Maybe it’s because I’ve had longer days than usual on set and we haven’t really had the time to talk since that night.
I haven’t spoken to Jeremy except for on set and I’m glad he’s been smart enough to keep his distance. He did leave flowers in my dressing room with a card saying he was sorry the next day but other than that it’s been radio silence.
Today, Jeremy and I have an interview as a part of our press tour, so we are at a different studio than usual without any of the rest of the cast or crew. I’m in my assigned dressing room packing up to go home when there’s a knock on the door. I frown in confusion because Damian doesn’t usually knock, so I have no idea who it is.
“Come in,” I call and Jeremy enters with a sad smile on his face, his hands up like he’s surrendering.
