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“You don't get it. You don't know how it was. That man would have killed your father the way he did your mother. He would never have let it go if Charlie knew somebody had shot her. I did that to protect him. To keep him from walking headfirst into danger—"
“Don't. Stop trying to make yourself the hero.”
“It's the truth. And if you think about it, you'll see I'm right. I convinced him to back off. You would have lost them both if it hadn't been for me.”
“You could have told him the truth,” I counter. “If you had been honest about what truly happened, he could have moved on by now. Could have told him it was for my sake, that he needed to back off for me so I wouldn't lose him, too. But no, why would you do that? That would mean admitting you were a crooked cop. Right?”
He wants to argue with me. I can see it in the way his eyes dart back and forth like he's a cornered animal. Only he can't come up with anything to say, because he knows I'm right.
I see everything now. I see him for the snake he is.
“You're a coward,” I whisper as tears fill my eyes. “You took the money and told yourself you were doing the right thing, but all you did was make him a joke in the department. Again and again, you told him to let it go, but it meant acting like he was a fool. Like he was crazy. You sacrificed him to protect the image he had of you.”
“I would have lost my job,” he whispers.
“Oh, you mean the way he lost his?”
“I never told him to lose his fucking mind over this! Did I encourage him to use department resources to research? To forget all his other work, his caseload, everything else? Every damn day I tried to steer him back on course, and every day he ignored me.”
“Poor you,” I whisper, shaking my head as the tears fall. “You poor thing. The man was haunted. Everybody told him he was crazy when he was the only one who wanted to know the truth.”
“You need to calm down.” Callum wraps an arm around my waist, and even though it is comforting, it's not enough. Nothing will be enough. When I think back on all the years he could have told the truth and helped my dad find a way through it...
“I'm so disgusted and angry. I don't even want to look at you.”
“It would be better if you left, Ken,” Callum announces.
“You're not going to tell him, right? You can't tell him. He'd never forgive me. Please, Bianca, think. Think about what they will do to him.”
“Oh! All of a sudden, you care what this will do to him? No, Ken, all you care about is what he'll think of you when all the lies are revealed. You can't stand to have him believe anything other than you being the good, honest guy he always thought you were. Funny, you had no mercy for my father when he needed it, but now you're standing here begging me for mercy.”
“Please, it would be like losing my brother. You might not understand, but everything I did was for him, and for you.”
“No!” I bark. “You did it for yourself!! Don't you dare say you did it for me. You don't get to rewrite history now that you've been caught.”
“Please. I couldn't take it.” Throwing his arms out to the sides, he releases a choked cry filled with anguish. “What do I have to do? Do you want me to beg? I'll get on my knees and beg you. I'll do whatever you want. All I ask is that you don't tell him. He can never find out.”
“Even if it means finally getting closure, that's what he needs more than anything. He needs to be able to move on with his life. And he can't do that with the way things are now.”
“As I said, Ken, you need to go.” Callum tries to turn me away from Ken, and I know he wants to make this better. He wants to help, but this is something I'm going to have to do myself.
“Wait a second.” I look up at Callum. “Do I get to decide?”
“What do you mean?”
“You invited him over, so I guess this is between the two of you.”
“You do what you need to do. I was always going to leave it up to you after I broke the news.”
It's up to me. I'm not used to hearing that.
What should I do? How do I handle this? I know what I want to do. I can see myself spitting on him, kicking him, making him feel as small and as hopeless and friendless as my father has felt all this time, yet who would that help? What would it accomplish? It wouldn't make me feel any better in the long run. I would only end up feeling as small and pitiful as Dad has felt.
“I won't tell him,” I decide, ignoring the way Ken shudders with relief while his legs sag. “I'll let you live with that guilt for the rest of your life. What I am going to do is tell him what happened, because he deserves to know the truth.” More than that, he needs it.
“But you won't say anything about me?”
“I won't. You can live with the gnawing guilt.” Dropping my voice to a whisper, I add, “But if I were you, I would make it a point to stay away from me, because I don't know if I could hide how I feel about you in front of Dad.”
