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“No, but sometimes the people who hurt you the most are the people closest to you, and usually they're fighting an inevitable battle between right and wrong. Not everything is black and white. Sometimes you do things to protect the people you care about, even if it's a decision that would hurt that person if they ever found out. Caring and loving someone makes you do crazy things.”
That's true, only I don't think I have a bone of forgiveness inside me. Every time I think about it, all I see is the despair my father went through. He loved his job and lost it. He was so consumed with finding my mother's killer. And all along, Ken had the information.
“Whatever you decide to do—even if you never tell your father the truth about what happened—I'm behind you. I'll support whatever you choose.” Callum squeezes me tight to his chest, and I snuggle deeper, wanting to escape reality.
“Thank you, and thank you for keeping your promise. You said you'd find out who killed her, and you did. Hopefully, Dad can move on, and there won't be so much tension between the two of you.”
His lips twitch like he wants to laugh, but lucky for him, he's smart enough not to. “I won't expect such a miracle to occur.”
CALLUM
Being playful doesn't come naturally to me.
I imagine anyone who grew up the way I did would have the same problem. It has nothing to do with my choice of profession. Maintaining an image. None of that matters when I'm in my own backyard, sitting by my pool. This is where I get to be myself. Life didn't give me many opportunities to kick back and enjoy myself. In my younger days, I was always working, hustling. Fighting to claw my way to the top. There's very little room for fun in that sort of life.
And it goes without saying that my time with Amanda didn't exactly lend itself to laughter and good times.
I want to try for Bianca's sake, which is why I suggested we come out for a swim after announcing I was taking the rest of the day off. Sure, Romero looked at me like I had grown another head, but I didn't expect him to understand.
My little bird has been feeling depressed since she came in at the worst possible time a couple of days ago, and I'm trying like hell to make her feel better. Damn shame it doesn't seem to be working. Rather than swim with me, she's laid out on a lounge chair with a book. Judging from the number of pages I've seen her turn since she picked it up, she might have it finished by New Year's.
“There isn't going to be another day like this until next summer. Why don't you come in the pool?” I splash her a little and chuckle when she glares at me. “The water's the perfect temperature.”
Her mouth is fixed into a tight frown as she sets down her book. “I don't know.”
“Bianca. You have to stop punishing yourself.”
“It's just that—”
I hold up a finger, shaking my head. “I know what you're going to say.”
“Oh, you do?”
Yes, because it's the same thing she's been saying for two days. She hates the feeling of lying to her father. “He wouldn't want you to punish yourself like this.” There aren't many positive things I can say about Charlie Cole while keeping a straight face, but that's one of them. I don't doubt how much he loves his daughter. “And you look really hot in that new bathing suit.”
She looks down at herself, as uncomfortable as I would expect from someone who still has no idea how beautiful they are. “It's just a plain old one-piece.”
Maybe that's what I like about it so much. It hints at everything beneath it without giving too much away. “You're driving me crazy. So either get in this water now, or I'll come out there and throw you in. You're too far away from me for me to remain sane.”
There's a lot of love in the way she shakes her head, wearing the smile women wear when their men act like little boys. “Okay, okay. Whatever makes you happy.” It doesn't make me happy to see her the way she is now, but at least she's smiling as she gets up from her lounge chair and makes her way down the ladder and into the water.
“Okay, you're right. This feels incredible.” Once she's halfway down the ladder, she pushes away from it, floating on her back.
“I told you. It would be a shame to waste this beautiful day sitting on the sidelines.” It's enough to watch her float around lazily for a short while, her face turned toward the sky, eyes closed. She's more peaceful now than she's been in days. I don't want to break that, so I settle for paddling around, enjoying the simplicity of being together.
“I'm sorry I've been such a downer.”
“I would never call you that, and you don't have to apologize.”
“But nobody wants to be around the girl who can't get her shit together.”
“It just so happens I fell in love with a woman who feels things very deeply. I knew what I was getting into.” That's not entirely true. There was no preparing myself for her, or for all the ways she would challenge me to be better than I was.
She sighs before rolling onto her stomach and slowly swimming toward me. Her body cuts through the water like she was born into it. Once she reaches me, she takes hold of my shoulders, draping her arms over them and tucking her head in close to my neck. “I just wish I knew how to process everything. I can barely sleep. I'm thinking about it so often.”
I know. We share a bed, and I've never been a particularly deep sleeper. However, she's been tossing and turning, and when she does sleep, her night is full of dreams that only make the tossing and turning worse.
Last night was the final straw for me when she whimpered a single word:Mommy.
