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But Clint had given me moments where I wasn’t just a shell going through the motions. I’d been fully in my body, present and living. Not trapped in the endless whirlpool cycle of my brain.
Somehow I’d responded to him as I would have in the past.
Sure, I’ll help. No problem.
Until the moment came and panic flooded my system.
In the end, I’d ordered from the deli and had it delivered to my house. Then I’d wrapped his lunch in the last festive paper I still had from years ago, when I’d still actively participated in the outside world instead of hiding beyond the windows of my apartment like a ghost.
Even my attempt to be normal had failed. Who wrapped up lunch like a present?
I’d just wanted to make him smile. He had to be tired, and I was sure he’d been swamped and overwhelmed.
Okay, maybe not overwhelmed, because he seemed utterly competent in all things. Unlike me.
It had been harder to get up the nerve to go to Clint’s place without him there. I’d hurried through his apartment without barely seeing any details other than the cat I’d clung to like a teddy bear until I could take a full breath again.
Somehow, Lucky had let me hug him, and I wasn’t even missing any limbs.
I’d babbled while talking to Clint’s neighbor. I wasn’t even sure she’d been able to understand me. But I’d tried. Then I’d dropped off the sub at the clinic, somewhere I’d actually been quite often with my cats over the years until agoraphobia had shuttered me inside more often than not.
Such an awful word. Agoraphobia sounded like a fear of something deadly, like maybe tarantulas. But nope, in my case it was just rampant nerves about being away from home. Out in the big bad world unprotected. Without my safe couch and safe windows and safe privacy.
I’d barely made it back to my car without hyperventilating. But I’d done it. And even I, the one most likely to never see a bright side willingly, had to admit that the more times I left my house, the easier it got to manage.
Not a lot easier, mind you, and sometimes I backslid. Trying again was the important thing.
I didn’t want to be a prisoner in my apartment. I’d have to take Princess to the vet again sometime soon. It had been too long. Maybe I’d even take myself to the therapist I’d stopped going to a while ago because hey, I was okay. I could get by.
Except I’d been home after my errands for three hours now and I still hadn’t fully settled. A hot shower had helped, as had my meditation app on my phone.
Princess delicately taking tuna treats from my fingers had helped too. Normally she wolfed them down as if she was starving. She’d even hung around with me after the goodies were gone, curling around my feet on the window seat and drifting off to pleasant, likely tuna-scented dreams.
But it wasn’t until Clint texted me that I finally managed to smile, even if no one could see it but me.
Clint
I missed you at lunch. But you made it up to me with that sub. Can I request every sub I ever get from now on be wrapped in Christmas paper with dancing cats?
I was so delighted by his response, I forgot to wait an appropriate amount of time to reply.
Kitty
Even if it’s April?
Especially if it’s April. But I’d settle for dancing bunnies too.
Right, as if we’d still be talking in April. Or getting naked. But he sure hadn’t balked at my question.
Maybe he was having those kind of thoughts too. But he hadn’t slipped and said he loved me.
Of course not. Because we were virtual strangers. I’d even done something crazy while I was out—and I hadn’t even had a racing heart as I slipped into a nearby bookstore. I’d special-ordered a certain book that had a certain man on the cover and then come home to make a place of honor for it on my crowded bookshelves. I didn’t even have a copy of all the books I’d edited.
The funniest thing about my impromptu errand? I’d been so focused on having Clint’s abs all to myself on a book cover, I’d almost forgotten to freak out.
Until I ran out of the store and left my credit card behind.
The saleswoman had immediately chased me down and nearly given me a heart attack, but I had my card back and Clint’s book cover would soon be in my mailbox.
