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Chapter 1
Paige
Andrei hasn’t left my side since I was admitted to the hospital last night. I was fully conscious when they brought me in. Through my closed eyelids, I could sense the bright overhead lights as the gurney wheeled me from the ER into my room. I held myself still on the hospital bed and counted my breaths as Andrei demanded the best doctor in Barnabas Hospital for his wife.
I wished he would leave me alone with my guilt.
We said no more secrets, yet I held Eva’s secrets close to my heart. Because I didn’t trust his temper enough. Andrei might have pulled the trigger, but I feel responsible for what happened.
I watched in horror when Eva fell to the ground. I waited for her to get up, but she remained motionless in Igor’s arms.
What if I had told Andrei what I knew? Would it have prevented the inevitable from occurring? No, I don’t think it would have.
My covers on the hospital bed are tucked so tightly that they’re pinching my feet. I try to wiggle my toes free, but it’s useless.
I am pinned under the white cotton sheets and a scratchy blanket. It seems fitting for how I feel inside: in the safest possible place, but trapped by the decisions I made.
I move my right foot ever so slightly. Andrei notices and takes my hand in his.
“Paige?” Andrei hovers over the bed, waiting for me to open my eyes. “Paige, the baby is safe.”
I squeeze his hand slightly and turn my head away from the direction of his voice. I don’t want to open my eyes and see the monster I married looking back at me. I’ll have to face him, but not right now.
My conscience demands time with my thoughts. My guilt is having a field day with my emotions.Little Ms. Lucky?No, I’m Little Ms. Dummy for letting this go so far.
“Mr. Barinov, your wife needs to rest.” The nurse’s voice is upbeat and cheerful, but there is an edge of tiredness in it. “The doctor says she can be discharged tomorrow.”
“A few more minutes,” Andrei replies, not letting go of my hand. I can sense his hesitation. “I’ll leave in a few more minutes.”
The curtain rings swish along the metal rod, cutting my bed off from view.
“A few more minutes,” she replies. “But visiting hours are over.”
I feel Andrei sit forward in his chair and the bed shifts slightly. He sighs, and I can picture him pulling his hand through his hair. He sits near me and whispers his regrets in my ear as if we’re in a confessional.
“I didn’t mean to, Paige.” His voice is low and filled with hurt. “I didn’t expect her to step in front of him. I should’ve known something was going on. But I didn’t. I didn’t know this would happen.”
Andrei has never needed me as much as he does now. He needs my sympathy and understanding. He needs my love. But can I forgive him for doing something so horrible?
How many times will you let him apologize only to do something worse before you accept that this is who he is?My guilt pokes me viciously as I ignore him.
Yes, it was an accident. But even if Eva hadn’t jumped in front of Igor, Andrei still would have pulled the trigger. Nothing in heaven or earth could have stopped him in that moment of madness.
It was like he was taken over by it. And because of that single moment, I will never see Eva again.
Hewill never see Eva again.
Will I ever see Emma again?
A sob slips past my lips. And Andrei leans closer, his breath on my cheek. “Paige, I know you hate me. But I need you to understand. I want you to understand. I didn’t want this.” He takes my hand in both of his.
I open my eyes slowly and study the expression on his face. I’ve never seen him look so hopeless. His anger is always on the surface, ready to singe and burn anyone who steps too close.
But his grief?
That has always been hidden so deeply within him that I could fool myself into believing that it didn’t exist in his hard heart.
Hard heart, I remind myself. Not cold.
