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Chapter 26
Carter
Everyone falls silent when Emilia leaves the room, and Mom visibly deflates. “She hates me,” Mom says.
Dad shakes his head. “No, she doesn’t. Emilia doesn’t have it in her to hate anyone.”
I know Dad, and I can hear the unspoken remainder of that sentence. But if she did, she would definitely hate you.
I smile at Mom as best as I can. “You haven’t really seen her in years, and it’s probably strange to be back here and to find everyone acting like nothing ever happened.”
I don’t really know what I expected of my mother, but it certainly wasn’t this — pretending like she never hurt Emilia. Like she didn’t blame her for Kate’s actions, like she didn’t ask her to leave. Mom hasn’t even acknowledged the past, let alone apologized, and I want her to do both. It won’t undo the pain Emilia went through at our hands, and it won’t erase all the nights she cried herself to sleep in our apartment, but it might give her a small amount of closure. That’s the only thing we can still offer her.
“Excuse me,” I murmur, rising from my seat. I know Emilia, and she never takes calls during dinner. She doesn’t even pick up when it’s Sam. Her leaving mid-dinner just now can only mean two things: it’s either truly urgent, or she’s running.
I walk into the hallway and find her standing on the middle of the stairs, her phone to her ear. She grazes the edges of the photo frames along the staircase with her fingers, slowly walking up the stairs, absentmindedly. I follow behind her and watch her slip into my bedroom. I thought she might go into Kate’s room, but I should’ve known better. Of course it’s mine.
Emilia leaves the door ajar, and I lean back against the wall just outside my room, my eyes fluttering closed.
“Yes, it’s been quite hard. Just seeing him hooked up to that machine for hours every day… I can barely take it. There isn’t much I can do either. The only thing I can really do for my dad is stay strong and just be there.”
I wonder who she’s talking to. Her voice sounds warm and caring, whoever she’s speaking to is obviously someone she’s close to. Is it Sam?
“Did Sam tell you that?” she asks, sounding somewhat shy. “Yes, we’re planning on moving in together, but honestly, we haven’t really talked through the logistics yet. We’re both renting, so we could either find something new together, or just move into either one of our apartments. I guess that’s something we’ll need to figure out when I’m back.”
So not Sam, then. Emilia laughs, and I smile to myself. I’ve always loved the sound of her laughter, and even now it affects me.
“He said that? Yes, your son is usually so romantic, Nancy, but when asking me to move in with him he literally just blurted it out over dinner.”
I freeze, my smile melting off my face. The person she’s talking to is Sam’s mother? My heart twists painfully. I want this for her. I want her to gain a whole new family when she eventually gets married, but fucking hell, it hurts. It hurts to know that once upon a time, all of this could have been mine. It hurts to know the girl in my bedroom used to be mine.
I try my hardest not to blame my sister for the way I lost Emilia, but with every year that passes, it becomes harder to remind myself that Kate was sick. It’s becoming harder and harder to keep from resenting her.
Emilia ends the call and I inhale deeply before walking in. I find Emilia sitting on my bed, a lost expression on her face.
“That’s nice, that you’re close to Sam’s mom.”
She looks up at me, startled, and smiles stiffly. “I didn’t realize you were there. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have gone into your room. Honestly, I did it without thinking.”
I sit down next to her and look around the room. This room is filled with memories of her. I fall back on my bed and stare up at her. “That’s okay,” I murmur. “It isn’t even really my room anymore. I only stay over every once in a while.”
She nods and looks around the way I just did. I wonder what she sees. It’s been years since she’s been in here. Her eyes fall to my bed, and I’m certain I see a flash of jealousy and possessiveness in them.
“You know, you’re still the only girl I’ve ever had in this bed,” I murmur, my voice barely above a whisper.
Emilia’s eyes widen, and her eyes roam over my body. I lift my arms and put them behind my head, my t-shirt riding up to reveal the v-line Emilia has always loved.
“Is that so?” she whispers.
I nod. She looks beautiful today, and I really want to pull her closer. I want her straddling me the way she used to, her lips on mine. I need her with such intensity that I have to force myself to look away. My heart refuses to acknowledge that she’s no longer mine. I inhale deeply and close my eyes.
I want to ask her if she missed me. If she still has feelings for me. If part of her heart still beats for me. But I can’t. It wouldn’t matter anyway. She’s with someone else, and in a few months at most, she’ll be going back to him. I can’t mess with her happiness in the slightest. I won’t.
We both tense and sit up when a soft knock sounds on my bedroom door. Mom walks in, and she looks surprised to find us sitting together like this. Emilia stiffens beside me and looks away, as though she can’t even stand to look at Mom. I can see that it hurts Mom, but I can also see how hurt Emilia still is.
“Emilia,” Mom murmurs, her eyes flickering between us. “I… I would like to apologize. I know it’s too little too late, but you deserve an apology. I didn’t want to remind you of the past, so I remained silent earlier, but that isn’t right. You deserve better than that.
The way I behaved after Kate came home from the hospital — there’s just no excuse for that. I felt like I’d failed as a mother, and rather than take responsibility for that, I looked for someone to blame. And Kate, being as vicious as the drugs had made her… she convinced me it was all your doing, even though I logically knew better.
