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It’s how I choose to greet Caden when he shows up at my door at nearly eleven o’clock at night. Elaine has long since gone to bed, and I was just about to go to sleep, too, when I got Caden’s text. Part of me wanted to just ignore him after receiving the “you up?”text, a universal sign of a booty call, but things have felt so strange between Caden and me, that I knew he wasn’t texting me for a hook up.
Although, I don’t really expect the scowl to appear on his face after I voice my question. “You pissed me off, Daria,” Caden says tightly as he brushes past me to enter my apartment. “So, I’m sorry if I’ve beenacting off.”
The sarcasm in his voice is heavy, and I gape at him in bewilderment as I shut the door before turning to face him properly. “I pissed you off?” I repeat in disbelief. I don’t raise my voice, despite the incredulity of his words, because I don’t want to wake up Elaine. “What the hell did I do?”
Caden’s hazel eyes narrow at me. He is in sweatpants and a hoodie, his big frame towering over mine even as he stands at a distance. With a sardonic scoff and a shake of his head, he asks, “You have no idea how shitty it makes me feel when it’s so easy for you to act like you don’t know me, do you?”
I blink at him, lips parting. “What are you talking about?”
“I’m talking about the fucking field trip, Daria, and Lilah’s birthday,” Caden hisses, and I wonder if he knows Elaine is asleep and he’s forcing himself to keep his voice down for her sake, despite the fire that rages in his eyes. “How you act like it’s your biggest fear to be seen with me in public. How you’re overly cautious about keeping our friendship a secret when it’s just a fuckingfriendship.”
Having this conversation tonight was the last thing I expected. My pulse quickens at the storm of emotions on Caden’s face, throat drying as I try to find the words. I didn’t know it bothered him—certainly not to this extent. Still, his words kind of sting:overly cautious, as if I’m acting that way for the hell of it and not because I have a daughter to think about, too.
“It’s notjusta friendship, Caden,” I remind him, almost breathlessly as I try to speak past the lump in my throat. “Whether others know it or not, I’ll be the new girl who’s seen out with Caden Bennett, and people will start digging into my life like vultures. I don’t want that.”
I’ve grown up on the Internet, around celebrity culture and how it lifts people up and doesn’t hesitate to knock them down, either. The world thrives on shoving their noses in business that has nothing to do with them, wanting to know every single detail about celebrities and the things that go on in their lives—including their relationships. It doesn’t matter what kind; once the media sets its sights on someone, they don’t stop until they have a salacious story to exploit. It’s the same for actors and musicians, as well as professional athletes. That includes Caden. Is he really going to try and call me out, so to speak, for being careful about my life? My privacy, and that of my daughter’s?
There are crazy, creepy people out there. I don’t need anyone approaching me out on the street or in the damn supermarket because they saw me with Caden and want something from me. I don’t want to be a story in some trashy tabloid. And I sure as hell don’t want Elaine to be, either. Because if they see my face, it would only be a matter of time until they find Elaine’s.
Caden exhales sharply, the muscle in his jaw working as he looks at me. Even with the distance between us, his stare is intense, penetrating, like he can see right through me. Or, what may be worse, that he can see all of me without fail. “If you’re so worried all of the time,” he begins slowly, “then why the hell do we keep doinganyof this?”
His words shock me into silence, staring at me incredulously as his voice echoes in my head, trying to make sense of what he just said. A pit forms deep in my stomach, like an insatiable hunger for answers over what all of this means.Any of this?Does he no longer want to be friends? Does he want to put an end to. . . All of this?
My voice is quiet as I demand, “What the hell are you saying, Caden?”
His frustration is evident, and it does nothing but confuse me. He has been saying a lot, but not really saying anything that makes sense of what’s going on with him. I just need him to be clear because I’m beginning to draw my own conclusions, and I feel like that will do nothing but confuse me even more.
Caden takes a breath, his broad chest expanding, until he finally says, “I’m sick of all this secretive shit.”
My chest tightens and his intense stare is not helping matters. My skin feels like it’s on fire, heart thumping away, and despite all of that, I feel a defiant spark of electricity shoot through me. “It’s notshitif it’s to protect my daughter,” I snap, trying to push aside the hurt that festers at his words.
Caden shakes his head, apparently not convinced, which only further boils my own frustration. “She’s three, Daria,” he says through gritted teeth. “She’s not going to understand what’s going on. Not yet, at least.”
A scoff of a laugh escapes me and I shake my head, eyes widening at him in disbelief. “I can’t believe you just said that,” I say. “That’s not the point, Caden. I thought you understood my position in all of this. You’re being really fucking selfish.”
“It’s selfish to express how I feel, then?” he retorts, expression tight. The tension in the room is thick and heavy, damn near suffocating. My heart thumps, thumps, thumps away. He takes a step toward me, eyes narrowing. “It’s selfish to tell you that I want you for more than just to keep my bed warm? That I’m sick of pretending that I see you as just a friend?”
My throat is dry as I gape at him, and if my heart hasn’t leapt out of my chest yet, it sure as hell is about to now upon hearing Caden’s words. The emotions that swell confuse me, dizzy me—surprise, disbelief, exhilaration at Caden treading towards admitting his feelings for me that go beyond the scope of being simply platonic. My own feelings have been raging for a while now, feelings I have been too afraid to indulge in and have been keeping at bay, but now they shoot to the forefront in the face of Caden’s words.
But it’s complicated. It’s fucking complicated because I don’t know what any of this means. Having feelings for someone is one thing, but risking what we have for a relationship that would be under the eyes and scrutiny of the whole world—or, at least, the whole country at the very least—is a whole other thing that is far more terrifying.
And instead of confessing my own truth to Caden, my voice drops to a whisper as I helplessly say, “I don’t know what you want from me.”
But that is a lie. I know exactly what he wants from me. I see it in his eyes, in the way he looks at me. I see it, clear as day, and pretending otherwise is a slap on Caden’s face. I see his gaze shutter subtly before he tightens his jaw once more and lifts his chin, staring down at me stoically. “Yeah, you do,” he states, once again seeing right through me. “But since you would rather act like you don’t want me just so you can stay on the safe side, I’ll show myself out.”
My lips part, a protest on my tongue, but the words don’t come as Caden brushes past me and heads towards the front door. My head spins, and just as I turn to look at him, the door is already shutting behind his exit, and I feel my heart drop to my stomach. A rough breath escapes me, running my hand through my hair and keeping it at the back of my head as I try to catch my breath.
But my breathing remains heavy as I squeeze my eyes shut, trying to make sense of what the hell just happened. When I open my eyes, I look toward the closed door, like I’m waiting for Caden to walk right through it again, to make things right again because it’s all a fuckingmess.
Mindlessly, I walk over to the couch and sink down on it, bowing my head until my elbows are propped on my thighs and my fingers are buried in my hair, staring absently at the floor.
I don’t know what you want from me.
Yeah, you do.
I shut my eyes once more, letting out a slow breath, although my lungs still burn. Caden’s hazel eyes had burned bright with want, with a silent desperation for me to acknowledge what he was asking of me. But his refusal to voice it outright in the face of me not acknowledging it stings for me as much as I am sure it stings for him, and we are both left stranded, unsure of what to do, and where to go from here. Nothing was resolved, but a whole lot was said, and I just don’t know what to do with any of it.
The ache in my chest intensifies as I inhale shakily. I’m not entirely sure if it is a good thing that I didn’t confess my own feelings to Caden. Because they are there—clear as day, no matter how much I tried to push them away and keep myself from acknowledging them. It was extremely foolish for us to think that we could keep things platonic between us while hooking up. These kinds of things never end the way you think they will. You can fool yourselves into thinking that your circumstances will be different, that romantic feelings won’t come from them. But it’s a fucking joke. We’re only human. Frankly, it’s not at all surprising that the desire for something more has come from it.
