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"I don’t know.” I answered truthfully. I turned the lights off in my room and took my jeans off and pulled my sweatpants on before climbing into bed. “I can’t think about that right now. Come here.” I pulled back the blankets and she quickly climbed in next to me and I wrapped my arms around her as she sniffled and shook, losing control of her emotions again. “I’m going to take care of you Maddie. I promise you that.”
“If I had kept my mouth shut at dinner you wouldn’t have fought and he would still be here.” She cried.
“Shh,” I smoothed her hair back as my own tears and guilt washed over me anew. “It’s not your fault. Whoever did this, made the decision regardless of what we did.” I sighed, “I just know he didn’t deserve it and I don’t know how to move forward now.”
“Me either.” She tightened her arms around me. “Aunt Suzie will be here tomorrow; she’ll know what to do.”
“Yeah,” I said, knowing that my mom’s sister would have some sort of guidance for us, even if she’d never dealt with murder on her ranch in Kansas. But she was older and wise, and heaven help us, she was our only hope.
Because I didn’t know how to even put one foot in front of the other and traverse this terrible situation on my own.
Maddie fell asleep in my arms and rolled over away from me after a while, curled in a ball. I heard the motorcycles leave and soon after that my bedroom door opened, and I looked over at Fox as he walked in.
His face was somber, and he looked older than he had just yesterday when I saw him last.
“She asleep?” He whispered as he toed his boots off.
“Yeah,” I replied and scooted over towards her to give him room in my queen size bed.
“I’ll sleep in the chair.” He said, not meeting my eye in the darkened room, but I could feel the hurt and pain radiating off him.
“Please.” I said as my voice cracked, “I’m sorry.” I wiped away tears that fell over the bridge of my nose as I held my hand out to him, “I know you didn’t do it, Fox.”
He clenched his jaw and stared at the wall with his hands on his hips, refusing to face me. “My whole life people have doubted me and made me the bad guy in their own story.” He whispered. “But you-.” He turned and looked at me and I could see the unshed tears in his eyes as I sat up in bed, “You’re the only person in this world that has ever known me here.” He thumped his fist over his chest, and worked his jaw opened and closed. “If you doubt me, about this, I can’t-.” He shook his head, “I won’t survive it.”
“I don’t.” I cried, swiping away the tears, “I’m sorry, I’m just upset and lost and feel like my entire world is exploding around me and I don’t know what to grab onto to anchor me anymore.”
“Me, Delilah.” He hissed, kneeling next to the bed, and grabbing both of my hands to squeeze against his lips where he kissed them. “You grab onto me and let me hold you steady while the world swirls and torments around us. I’m your anchor baby, I’ll hold you down and keep you afloat in the same fucking moment because that’s what you do for me. Every second of every day, you’re my saving grace.” He sighed, “Let me be yours.”
“I know.” I cried, scooting forward, and wrapping my arms and legs around him, “I’m sorry.” I whispered over and over again into his neck. “You lost your best friend tonight too, I’m sorry.”
“Shh,” he said and sighed. “Just get some sleep, baby. We’ll worry about everything else later."
“Lay with me, please.” I begged, “I need you.”
“I’m right here.” He slid in next to me and I clung to him like a life raft in the ocean. He tightened his hold on me and clung back just a fiercely.
We were two broken souls holding onto each other for dear fucking life.
Chapter 11 – Delilah
Present
Iwalkeddownstairslikea zombie a few hours later after my shock induced nap and forced myself to smile at my baby girl as she flung herself off the end of the couch into my arms. I squeezed her extra tight and cursed the burning in my nose from the tears pooling in my eyes.
I would not fucking cry in front of Penelope.
“Hey, honey.” I kissed her temple. “How was school?”
“Good!” She cheered and jumped from my arms to climb over the arm of the couch and jump onto a pillow on the floor again, one of her favorite games. “We learned songs for Halloween. Want to hear one?” She asked.
“Of course,” I said, sitting down in the chair and pulling my legs up under me to listen to my sweet baby girl.
“Five little pumpkins were sitting on a gate…”She sang with merriment as I watched her intently. She held her fingers up and counted down the song and amazed me with her knowledge.
She was so smart; and she was my entire reason for existence. Without her I’d be nothing.
When she was all done singing, I clapped my hands, and she took a big elaborate bow in the center of the living room. Maddie walked in with a cup of tea and handed it to me as Penelope slid into another song about scarecrows excitedly.
