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All the while, life kept moving on around me.
But I felt empty and desolate other than those few times I managed to muster up enough excitement about my baby girl’s future.
She was going to have so much more than I did.
It was a promise I made to her every single night when I crawled my tired body into bed and ran my hand over my bump and talked to her.
She was going to thrive if it was the very last thing I ever did. She’d never know hardship or struggle.
I’d bear it all on my shoulders for her.
The first step of that plan was forcing myself to be strong and show up at Fox’s sentencing court date to find out how long he’d sit behind bars for what he did.
Because like Colt said, someday he’d get out and I needed to know when that would be so I could figure out what that meant for me and our daughter.
I hadn’t seen him since the guards dragged him from the visitation room that day, even if I ached to go and see him again. But I knew I wouldn’t be able to stand to look at myself in the mirror if I selfishly went to visit the man that murdered my own flesh and blood. Even if his own flesh and blood grew every single day inside of my belly.
“Hey.” A soft voice called from the front door as I stirred a cup of tea in the kitchen.
I quickly wrapped my oversized sweater around my waist as Maddie walked through the doorway. “Hi.” I whispered in shock. It was the first time she’d been back in months. “How are you?”
“I’m okay.” She said gently as she put her hands in the back pockets of her jeans, “I thought maybe we could ride together today.” She shrugged one shoulder, “I thought maybe I could hold your hand through it.” I didn’t know how she knew about the sentencing, but if I had to guess, I’d put money on Colt.
I licked my lips and looked down at my cup to keep from sobbing at her olive branch, “Yeah,” I croaked through my emotions and then cleared my throat, “I’d like that.”
She smiled softly and took a deep breath, “I owe you an apology first though.” She said and walked further into the kitchen. “I left because I was angry that you kept something so important from me, and then after more and more time passed, I didn’t know how to come back. How to say sorry.”
I shook my head and grabbed both of her hands in mine, “You don’t owe me an apology Maddie, you had every right to blame me for everything. It’s all my fault.”
“No, no it’s not.” She pulled my hands towards her like she was going to pull me into a hug.
“Wait.” I said and stepped back. My chest shook with anxiety and my palms were clammy. “In the name of honesty and transparency, I want to tell you something right now. Before any more time passes.”
“What is it?” She asked cautiously and wrapped her arms around her waist in uncertainty.
I slowly opened my sweater from around my stomach and let her see the swelling baby bump under my white tee-shirt.
Her eyes dropped to it instantly and her mouth opened in a big O as her eyes widened too. “Oh my God.” She whispered and looked back up at me. “Oh my God D.”
“I know.” I said, and then wrapped my sweater closed over it and looked away. “I just wanted you to know incase that changed how you felt about reconciling with me.”
“Oh my God.” She cried and flung herself at me. “I’m sorry!” She said, wrapping her arms tight around my neck, “You’ve been alone through all of this because I left you.” Her small shoulders shook as I wrapped my arms around her waist and clung to her. It was the first hug I’d gotten since she got back from Aunt Suzie’s Ranch months ago. I didn’t realize until just that moment how desperately I missed human touch. “I’m so sorry.”
“No.” I said, running my hand over her hair, “You were dealing with your own grief and pain, it’s not your responsibility to support me through mine.”
She pulled back and glared at me angrily, “That’s exactly what my responsibility is, Delilah! Because if the roles were reversed and you found out I was pregnant, you would have stayed by my side and held my hand through the entire thing. But I abandoned you.”
Tears slid down my cheeks as she validated all of my feelings without me even having to say them and I just pulled her close again. She tightened her arms around me and took a deep breath. “You’re here now. That’s all that matters. I love you so much, Maddie, and I’ve missed you so much.”
“I miss you, too.” She cried. “Can I come home?”
“Yes!” I gasped and pulled back to hold her face in my hands. “Of course, you can!”
We made our way into the living room and sat down on the couch, and I told her everything. Every single ounce of information, from how Fox broke up with me on the cliff’s edge, to finding out I was pregnant and my visit from Detective Dailey to tell me that Fox was the one who had killed Blaine. I told her about my visit with Fox at Colt’s insistence and the veiled warnings he gave me before we left. I told her how sick I’d been, and how I had laid alone in the hospital afraid that my body wasn’t strong enough to carry my baby to term. Then I told her how she was going to be an aunt to a little girl, how I didn’t tell Fox about the baby and that today’s outcome would determine what path I took tomorrow and the day after that and so on.
She promised to be by my side every step of the way, regardless of the outcome.
I hated that I weighed down my little sister with all my darkness, but I would have been lying if I said it didn’t feel good having someone at my side again. It all felt survivable with a hand holding mine.
