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Markus’s serious expression morphs into a warm smile as he gives a hearty laugh and pulls me into him. “Goddammit, Clara. You’re so loyal. So incredibly submissive.”
“It’s not funny,” I say, pushing out from his chest to look up at him. “I feel really bad about it.”
He lifts a hand to stroke my cheek. “Sweetie, it’s just an orgasm. He’s given you plenty of those. I don’t care about the first orgasm of the year.” His expression sobers as he studies my teary face. “But I know you do. And I love that about you. But I hate how you’ve become caught between us. I’ve seen how you try to restrain yourself when we’re both around. I don’t want you to do that.”
I blink up at him. I don’t want that either, but I don’t know how not to. I feel so damn guilty about the way I keep gravitating toward Grigory—away from Markus. I should want them both equally. In the same way. But I don’t think I do.
“We need to figure this out. Well, I do. We can’t go on like this.”
“I know,” I say, wiping the moisture from my cheeks. “But it’s not on you to figure it out. It’s on all three of us. Unless…” Dread spears through my chest as I realize he might want me to stop seeing Grigory. My eyes go wide as I continue in a hoarse voice, “You want to pull the plug on this?”
Markus takes my hands—my now shaking hands. “Don’t worry. I’m not gonna end things between you and Grigory. I could never do that to either of you.”
My shoulders slump with a relieved breath. I fall into him, overcome with all the emotional strain of the day. But clearly, it’s not over.
He pulls me into him and strokes his hands up and down my back. “I’m going on this tour to get some time and space to think everything over. I want to be here for you more than anything, but it’s not doing either one of us any good. It’s too hard for you to be around both of us right now, and it’s getting to all of us. And you need Grigory more.”
“I don’t,” I quickly deny.
Markus pulls back, his forehead marred with grave lines as he takes my head between his hands. “Yes, you do.”
I just stare at him. I badly want to keep telling him it’s not true, but we both know it would be a lie.
— CHAPTER 27 —
CLARA
When Markus leaves two days later, it’s incredibly hard to let him go.
I’ve been clinging to him throughout the day as if trying to compensate for the distance I’ve created between us lately. When we say goodbye in the hall in the afternoon, I grab his jacket so hard he has to pry my fingers free.
“You need to let me go now, sweetie, or I’ll miss my plane,” he says, squeezing my hands in a reassuring grip.
“I’m so sorry,” I say, clutching his hands like I can convey the full meaning of the words through my grip. I feel like I’m driving him away, and even though he has continuously reassured me that I’m not, I can’t shake the feeling.
“Grigory will come by every day, and I’ll be back in two weeks.”
“I don’t want Grigory. I want you.” I want to fix things between us so badly, but I don’t want to be the reason he misses his plane, so I reluctantly loosen my grip on his hands.
His eyes flicker between mine with a rare sort of perplexity. Then he breathes a determined sigh and focuses on me. “I love you. No matter what happens, I’ll always love you. You know that, right?”
Dread fills my stomach like water in a bucket, rising up into my chest and making it hard to breathe. The way he says it sounds like something bad is coming. My words are choked when I say, “I know. And I love you too.”
He pulls me in for a deep kiss, tightening his arms around me with the same strength I held on to him a moment ago. Then he turns and walks out without another word, and I’m left alone with a terrible feeling that heartache is lurking just around the corner.
I’m slipping away from Markus, and I can’t tell if he’s the one loosening his grip on me or if it’s me pulling away. Maybe both. Nonetheless, something drastic needs to happen very soon or our relationship won’t recover.
I’ve been thinking we just need to get past the audition. Once things settle down, we’ll find our way back to each other. But I’m not so sure anymore. The problem runs deeper than mere stress or a storm passing through. This is fundamental. The distance has been building since the moment Markus dropped me off at the airport and left me with Grigory back in early September.
My head spins as I try to come up with possible solutions, but I always end up in the same dreadful place, knowing there’s only one way to fix things. Markus may have promised it won’t happen, but I think it was just a way to reassure me—and maybe himself because he doesn’t want to make that decision. But no matter how little I believe he won’t end things between Grigory and me, I cling to his promise. Because the alternative simply hurts too much. So I shut out the fear that things are about to end, but the result is growing anxiety that keeps gnawing at the back of my mind.
When Grigory comes the next morning, I’m so wracked with guilt I can’t be around him. So I shut him out too, sending myself into a downward spiral of loneliness and fear.
“I’m sorry,” I say as I step back when he tries to hug me. “I need some space.”
He studies me with a grave expression, then nods and lets me be alone in the music room for the next few hours, accepting my rejection every time he tries to approach me. He seems to be conflicted too, and I think it’s the only reason he lets me pull away.
But come lunchtime, I’ve apparently reached the limit.
