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“Carmen,” Magda started, both of her legs hanging off the side of the bed, revealing her red-painted toenails. “¿Por qué no tienes novio?”
Suddenly, my eyes got misty. Whydidn’tI have a boyfriend? Usually I didn’t mind, but today it made me feel broken. “Because… I dunna have time.” Even as I slurred the words, they caught in my throat. They were hollow and false even to my own inebriated ears.
Magda turned over so that she was facing me. The lights around us seemed to streak and jump as my eyes flicked around. “Dan told me that you kissed him once.”
I coughed and sat up. It wasn’t something I’d been proud of. Heat swam across my whole body, making my brain feel feverish. “I-” The words got caught in my throat and I choked some more. Blood rushed to my face, and my lips felt a little numb.
Magda sat up and the movement made me dizzy. “You did!” I think she bounced on the bed, but it was hard to focus on anything.
I shook my head, but couldn’t think of anything to say.
Magda continued laughing.
The sound grated against my sensitive ears. “I don’t like boys like him.”
Magda’s laughter sputtered, and she sat up too. The bottle on her bed fell off and splashed some of the pink liquid onto the wooden floor. She hiccuped. “You like girls?” she asked.
I shook my head, struggling to get the words out. “No.” My voice was a little too loud. And Magda watched me closely. “I want to feel safe. Boys… our age,” I hiccuped, “they don’t fit me.”
Magda’s forehead scrunched up as she studied me. “You likemen,” she said slowly. Suggestively.
My eyes fluttered closed and I nodded. The image of someone established, strong, and caring for me was… indescribably beautiful. Magda’s laughter tore through the room. “Old men!”
My eyebrows drew together. “C-cállate,” I called feebly. I needed her to shut up. “No. Just… older.”
My friend wiped at the tears streaming down her face. “You grew up too fast.”
That caused the moisture in my eyes to collect and slide down my face. Once they were moistening my cheeks, the floodgates inside of me burst open. More tears streamed down my face.
I heard more rustling of cloth, and the clink of the wine bottle on the ground as my best friend knocked it out of the way with her clumsy feet. I opened my eyes in time to watch her take the bottle out of my lap, and set it on the table near our bed.
“Sh, sh,” she murmured sloppily while picking up the corner of my blanket and wiped at my cheeks sloppily.
The way she did it with such great care made something flicker in my mind. The tears stopped. “Wasn’t there something we were supposed to do today?” I asked.
Magda’s head sagged forward. “I don’t know,” she said, before climbing onto the bed, and falling into my lap against me. My body weight sagged back against the wall. It was cool, which felt nice against my feverish skin.
The headache was already coming on. My heart beat in time with my skull, and I wished for relief. This was exactly why I usually hated drinking. Magda was much better at handling alcohol.
My head swam with thoughts and sounds. Everything grew in fuzziness, and it was harder and harder to latch on noises so that I could identify them. Someone pounded on our door, but I was too tired to get up. Practice was over, and we didn’t have another show for four days.
Nothing calling to me at this moment could be that urgent.
More blackness crept into my swirling mind. Thankfully, falling asleep was gentle. It happened little by little, like drops of water, and then all at once. I would be much more content to swim through my dreams than the content of my waking mind.
When the Dreg appeared in my fading thoughts, he raised his hand to salute me. As if he knew what I was doing—drowning out the reality of my life. He too understood that life was painful.
Chapter14
We Hate The Chancellor
“Magda, Carmen!” someone was shouting in our room.
My eyes snapped open. The world was hazy like smoke. My stomach lurched and I jolted forward, removing my back from the cold wall. I winced when my brain squeezed. The pounding headache was agonizing. I rubbed at my eyes, trying to focus on the short girl with pale brown hair walking toward us.
“Good hell, it smells like a winery in here. How much did you two have to drink?” someone asked.
I squeezed my eyes shut and opened them once again.
