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“Renata, focus,” Antonio barked.
I couldn’t bring myself to look up. The hole had already gone blurry, and I was already making a plan to fix it.
“We are here to work, not rest,” Antonio tried again.
I sucked in a deep breath, let go of the jagged edges of fabric, and blinked away any moisture gathering in my eyes. We were standing in front of the artificial rock wall covered in shining screws holding up the dozens of rocks, all varying in size and form. There was a padding under my feet, which would help with accidental falls, I supposed, but it wouldn’t save me from bruising.
Antonio was at my side. He crossed his arms. “You need to practice climbing before you get to the volcanoes. We will do this every day.”
I nodded. It made sense. “Okay.” My neck craned as I looked up the entire length of the wall. It was much taller when I considered climbing up it. The surface curved in and out, similar to a cliff, but I wouldn’t call it an incline by any stretch of the word. I glanced at Antonio again, but he was already looking at me. Analyzing. Judging. I needed to show him I could win.
He wasn’t the type to explain everything, so my best course of action was to get moving.
Tentatively, I put one hand on an artificial rock, and then found a spot for my foot. In a few seconds, I was completely on the wall. It was an awkward footing, and gravity threatened to pull me backwards at any moment.
This took balance.
It was lucky I had the gift of balance.
I let out a breath and then took another step up. It took time for me to select the right space to grab onto, and the right angle that would give me enough leeway to push off of. The more power, the better. Fist over fist, foot over foot, I made my way up the wall.
The run had warmed my muscles, making me flexible. I was strong from dancing, but this kind of activity required muscles I couldn’t even name. My abdomen shook, and more sweat beaded along my forehead.
Antonio was silent, but I could feel him watching me.
I made the mistake of looking down to see how far I’d gotten. One look and a fear paralyzed my legs. I cried out, and my muscles gave out with an icy zap.
Impact with the mats was only slightly better than the impact on a bare floor. I landed on the same side as before, and the pain made me curl up into a ball.
“Shit,” I said as I hugged my legs to my chest. I tensed every muscle, waiting for the pain to subside. When it took longer than I expected, I worried I had broken something.
Antonio, however, didn’t share that concern. “Do it again.”
I groaned. “Just give me a second,” I snapped.
The mat shifted under me as it adjusted to Antonio’s added weight. He grabbed my shoulders and forced me to sit up. I cried out again while my ribs screamed for me to go to hell. Every breath was another blow dealt to the sensitive area.
“You were supposed to use a harness,” Antonio said flatly.
My eyes cracked open further, and I followed his pointed finger to a collection of ropes and harnesses along the wall at the end of the room. I flushed deep crimson and looked back at him.
“Why didn’t you tell me that before I started?” I demanded. My voice wobbled.
His eyebrows slammed together, and he stood up. “Why didn’t you ask? I told you that you would do this every day, and you started up the wall like it was no problem. I assumed you knew what you were doing, and I was going to watch and give critique.” His jaw was tense, but the burning in his eyes turned the rough statue from stone to molten lava.
I hugged myself tighter, and bent my knees in front of me to lean against them. “After you told me to go up, I waited and you said nothing.” I coughed on the last word when another stabbing pain came from my ribs. My eyes were downright watery now. My curly hair covered my face like a wild bush as I sunk my face in further between my knees. The stretch felt good, and it covered the tears coating my eyelashes.
Antonio left the spot where we were talking, and returned a few moments later with a harness. He held it out to me. “Put this on, and we’ll get you attached to the wall.”
I didn’t look up at him. That bone-deep loneliness set in again. In Las Patrias, when someone fell, another person helped them. When someone made a mistake, someone corrected them. In between everything else was the communal friendship that came from spending so much time together. Even those who didn’t like me at least acknowledged my existence.
Fernando wouldn’t show up to take me away, Cecelia would never look at me again, and Magda wasn’t here. It felt like an arm was missing. I hadn’t slept in a bed alone my entire life. There were always friends, pseudo-siblings, to be with me. Sitting on the mat made me feel so small. I wasn’t enough for this life, and the chances that I got the help necessary to win weren’t looking good today. I had two months.
I could run, but I couldn’t climb. I didn’t know how to survive in the wild, how to behave like a lady, or how to hurt people. Antonio had humiliated me, but I had also humiliated myself. When I opened my mouth, all that came out was a sob.
Damn it all. I was crying in front of him.
I steeled my insides, reaching deep enough to find my inner statue-face, but all I found was flesh and blood.
