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The kid blushed, but grinned and showed he was missing his top two teeth.
“Now who’s burped?” I continued.
More hands went up this time.
“I bet Miss Mornay burps.”
Everyone turned and looked at her in the back. It was her turn to blush, but she caught on and patted her stomach. “Every meal,” she called, used to speaking up so she could be heard.
The kids burst out in giggles.
“Know what the body’s doing when you fart or burp?”
The kids shook their heads, all eyes on me. Oh yeah, I had them hooked.
“You’re letting excess gas or air from your body,” I explained. “Like you’re one big balloon. It was made to do that. Despite what your parents and teachers say about doing it in public, you’re supposed to fart and burp.”
The kids started talking, probably telling each other that they’d been wronged their whole lives, so I raised my hands in the air. “That’s not all,” I called over the chatter.
They instantly fell silent because what on earth could I talk about next?
“What about throwing up? Vomiting. Upchucking. Tossing your cookies. Who’s done it?”
Now every kid’s hand was up and practically waving at me.
“One time, I threw up in the back seat of the car all over my brother,” I regaled. “He had it in his hair, all over his shirt. Some even got in his ear.”
Groans and laughing ensued.
I couldn’t help but smile, remembering how Silas hated me for a week after that.
I held up my hands again and the kids quieted. “When you throw up, your body is getting rid of something it doesn’t like. The body’s supposed to get rid of stuff like air, gas, and yucky things from our stomachs. Studying to be a doctor, you get to learn all kinds of fun stuff like that.”
I glanced at Mac, who was slowly shaking his head, a smile turning up his mouth.
I remembered Mallory’s advice. “Now, that’s stuff that comesoutof our bodies. Let’s go over things that shouldn’t go in. What’s bad to put in our bodies?”
All the kids called out different things. It was chaos. Mrs. Sanchez came to stand next to me. She raised her arm over her head and gave the peace sign.
Clearly that meant shut the hell up. It worked.
“Thank you,” I said to her, then glanced around the group. “I heard drugs. Smoking. Cleaning supplies and I think even Legos.”
The kids laughed.
“Knowing these things should stay out of your body–or that of your brothers and sisters–means you’re all on your way to being doctors already. Be sure to tell your parents the next time you fart, it’s healthy. Just your body working right.”
The kids clapped with more enthusiasm than for Mac.
Ha.
I nodded to Mrs. Sanchez, who, by the look on her face, wasn’t sure if she was afraid she was going to get seventy parents calling in or if she was thrilled to send kids home to expel healthy farts.
I met up with Mac and we headed out of the assembly room. Apparently, I was the last of the speakers and the teachers–including Mallory–were giving directions on walking quietly through the halls to recess.
“Farting?” he asked, pushing open the school’s front door, shaking his head. “My kid’s going to let one rip in front of his grandmother and blame it on me.”
I grinned, pleased with how fun I was–stick free.
