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The moment she is out the door, I turn to Leland. “This is not your fault.”
Hands fisted at his side, head shaking, he says, “I thought to give him an equal chance here bynotclaiming him. I thought…”
“The fact that we never told him of his relation to you isn’t what caused Tony’s distress. Or what caused him to leave. Or what caused him to choose to fake his own death.”
No, that reason lies in his own mind—his own feeling of not belonging.
I pick up Tony’s handwritten letter and the two pages we shared with no one. An easy thing to do when we only typed out a portion of the letter to share with the children.
I read, “I watched her being beat by him. I hid and watched so many times. If only I’d followed through on my instinct, I could’ve done something to him while he slept. I could’ve begged Mom to run. I could’ve… But I didn’t. And then it was too late.
“There was nothing I could do to help her the night he finally went too far. I tried. I fought him, but he was too strong. I will carry the burden of my mom’s murder, the burden of my failure, the pain of having failed her, for the rest of my life.
“That’s why I promised myself when I came here, when I met my new family, I would never let that happen again. I would never stand by and watch another person I loved be hurt if I could stop it.
“How could I do otherwise? After coming to this home and learning our secret, learning what all my sisters had suffered, how can I not act? I won’t. I won’t hide while another woman I love is destroyed, not when it’s in my power to stop it. Please listen to me. Justice is as close to this mission as a person can get. She is headed on a path of destruction. I know it’s not my place to say, to object to a mission years in the planning, a mission that’s undergone layers of scrutiny, but I’m doing it anyway.
“You have to know that, since the moment I stepped inside the Mantua Home, since the day I arrived and was welcomed by this wonderful family and my sometimes-crazy sisters, I have only felt regret and fear. Regret that I was never good enough. That I couldn’t rescue my mom. That I couldn’t fit in, that I couldn’t find a way to belong. Fear that my sisters might find out what I let happen. Not for one day did I ever feel worthy of The Guild.”
I stop reading and look at Leland. We share a glance that wordlessly conveys what we feel. There are decisions piled on decisions and none were easy.
I see his doubt even before he asks, “I know it’s complicated, but would he have felt he belonged more if he’d known he was my nephew from the beginning?
I know Leland is in pain. I know he’s floundering to find his way through this emotionally, but I have no tolerance for this indulgence. “We made the decision based on our family dynamics. Based on complex, myriad personalities. We made it based on psychological recommendations, based on continued family cohesion. We gave Tony the same thing that all the children here shared: they were rescues. If he was seen differently…” I shake my head, remembering the difficulties of that time, the fights between the Fantastic Five and the A-Team, the animosity they caried toward the Spice Girls. It would’ve been worse if they’d known the truth about Tony
“You did it to protect our family,” Leland says. “But you also did it to protect me.”
He’s right, of course. Questions would have inevitably arisen if Tony’s relationship to Leland was known, questions that could’ve led back to a dark time and a dark decision.
“It is what it is, Leland. Decisions made that seemed right, that seemed to balance so many issues. My only regret is not finding a way to let Tony share his story. If I had done that, found that way, would he have felt more accepted?”
Leland rolls his head and sighs at the ceiling. “If I had a dollar for every regret I have…”
With a mild laugh, I say, “You surely do.”
He smiles, sits on the edge of my desk and lifts a hand to my scarred face. He places it gently against my cheek. There was a time when I wouldn’t let him touch me so, but that time has long passed.
I lean into his hand. He whispers, “You know they’ll figure it out.”
I lift my head from his hand, a moment’s comfort is all I ever need, all I can afford. “Of course they will. They’re a house full of spies.”
“Should we tell them?”
My voices rises before I can stop myself. “Absolutely not.”
He shakes his head. “Mukta, it will be another mark against you, another way your children will see you as manipulating them and their lives.”
“Perhaps, but I don’t care. For me, it comes back to fairness.”
“Fairness?”
“I have been unfair to Tony. I see that now. I ache for him. And so, I have to ask myself, isn’t it only fair to give him a head start on his sisters?”
Leland’s eyebrows raise. “After you let Bridget keep her memory, head off to another country and do charity work, when they find out their brother is still alive, no one is going to just let Tony get away. This is going to get ugly.”
I shrug. “We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.”
