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“How did I not see it?” he whispers.
“I asked myself the same thing,” I tell him, taking the journal from him.
“Did you read it all?” he asks, nodding towards the journal.
“No. I read the first page and then randomly picked one of the last entries. I was hoping to get some kind of insight about why she did what she did. Honestly, I don’t think I was ready for it. I would never have expected that. We told each other everything.” I hang my head, letting tears fall freely.
“Hey, this isn’t your fault. It’s not my fault. We didn’t do anything but love her like she deserved to be loved. I just wish it would have been enough,” he says sadly, putting his hand on my back.
“Me too. God, I fucking miss her so much,” I say, looking at him, wiping the tears from my face.
“Me, too,” he says, wrapping his arm around my shoulder, pulling me closer to him.
“I’m going to read the rest of it,” I tell him.
“Do you think that’s a good idea?” he asks, concerned.
“No, but I need to. I need closure.”
“I get that. You two had a connection that I’ll never understand.”
“That doesn’t make your pain any less,” I remind him.
“I know that, but I don’t need to read the journal like you do, unless you find something big like that. Please come to me if you find anything else.”
“I will. Thanks, Mitch.”
I watch him get up from the bed, walking towards the door.
“Hey,” he says, stopping before he leaves.
“Yeah?” I ask.
“I’m always here. You know, if you need someone to talk to,” he says.
I give him a sad smile—I feel for him. I know he feels like he’s responsible for me now.
“I know,” I tell him, before he walks out into the hallway.
He leaves the door cracked, and that’s when I see Clark walk by. He notices me while walking past, before pausing and peeking his head inside my bedroom.
“Are you okay, Mar?” he asks, his gaze lingering on my face.
I fear I’ll never be okay. Not after unpacking all this information about my sister that I should have known.
“Yeah,” I lie.
He looks at me, acutely aware that I’m lying. I hope that he doesn’t push me, because I’m barely hanging on as it is.
“Okay,” he says, clearly unconvinced.
It’s just not in my nature to spill my feelings to people. I can’t break down in front of this man and tell him that I’m ashamed that I didn’t realize my sister was depressed. How do you tell someone that you’ve just been passing through days and not really living them?
I get up as he retreats from my room and close the door behind him.
Once the door is shut, I lean back against the wood and take a deep breath. I’m not sure that I’m stable enough to keep up this deep dive into my sister’s personal thoughts, but I know this is something I have to do.
ChapterNine
