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Now that time has passed from the call, I can let myself think of it. Analyze it. And that comes with a small breath of relief.
Hearing her voice didn’t call up those emotions I feared, so for that I am grateful. What I have with Brandi is better, I decide.
After all, she’d never do that to me.
But yeah, if Tyler calls me, if Tyler makes the move, I’ll see him.
Beyond that, I don’t know.
I still don’t know exactly how to forgive him.
And my parents will have to be happy with whatever happens.
With that thought, I drift off to sleep.
Brian crosses his arms a few days later at the office, where he’s gone and cornered me. “Are you avoiding me? Or are we breaking up? If we’re breaking up, then you’re going to have to buy me flowers and expensive chocolates. It’s only fair. Oh.” He snaps his fingers. “And a necklace or something.”
I roll my eyes and sprawl out in a chair. “That’s for first dates, not for breaking up.”
“You never bought me them in the first place.”
“That should tell you something. And no, I haven’t been avoiding you. Busy with married life.”
Brian frowns and sits down opposite me, leaning forward, the hubbub of the office washing over us, and I sigh. Life is good and stressful in ways I haven’t really imagined, though things are better than they’ve been.
“About that—”
“Brian,” I say, keeping my voice low so no one else can hear, “I don’t need to be told how to run my marriage.”
My friend holds up both hands, a wry grin on his face “Wasn’t about to. Do I need to?” He sighs and shakes his head. “I was just going to say sometimes it isn’t easy and this was a bit of a rush job, so finding the right grooves can be hard, and—”
“I’ve been married before, you know?”
“I know. But this is different.”
Anger surges up but I push it down to the toes of my work boots. Outside a wind rattles the windows, but the sky is bright and blue. Brian doesn’t mean the darker paths my mind is taking me to. I know that. I just don’t need comparisons from others, even if the other in question hasn’t met Jessica. My mind is capable of doing that all on its own.
Ihavethought about telling Brian about the recent changes, then immediately dismiss it. They aren’t changes to my marriage, just changes with who happens to be in town and I don’t want to talk about that shit to anyone before I speak to Brandi. That just smacks of betrayal. Even if that’s what it isn’t.
“Brandi is great.” I pause. “And doing great.”
Just then my phone starts buzzing again and I pull it from my pocket without thinking. Not the unknown number. Not Brandi. My mother.
Excusing myself from Brian, I take the call. Not because I want to but because I know I’ll put it off as long as I can. Her exasperation lurks just behind the surface of her voice and while I promise I’ll get back to her outside of work, we can’t come by for the dinner my mom has clearly planned to spring Tyler on me as we already have plans, and I ring off, promising soon.
Suddenly, I lean forward. “Hey, Brian, you and Maya want to go out for dinner with us tonight?”
Just like that, it turns into something more. Dinner with our friends, just a casual, laid-back night and I can’t keep the smile from my face.
Brandi glows. It might sound cliché but it’s true. She glows when she relaxes and forgets herself and the fears and the things we still haven’t ever gotten to.
She is almost asleep by the time we get home. But like I’ve come to learn, my girl doesn’t go to sleep at night without claiming me for her own. The sex is slow, sweet, and fulfilling, and again, the happiness of Brandi in my arms washes over me when she falls asleep in my arms, even though I know the dark cloud of a reality I can’t avoid hangs over me. But that is something I can deal with later. As far down the line as I can manage to push it.
Brandi sleeps next to me for hours, and I wish I could follow her into her dreams, but I need water and sleep just isn’t coming for me yet.
I ease myself from bed and make my way down the carpeted steps to the ground floor and pour a glass of water straight from the tap.
With a sigh I drink it, my eyes slipping to my phone on the counter where it sits with my wallet and keys, and I think of my brother, something I can’t stop doing. I almost jump when it lights up, buzzing.
