AllFreeNovel
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Because it’s not just Travis I’m leaving. It’s my family.
The closer the clock ticks to me taking off to California, a small town east of LA where an old friend of my grandparents has a place and she offered to let me rent it for a small amount. Funny how life works. When packing, I found the letters from Caroline, stacks of them, and I skimmed them—she’d been there when my mom took off, through the relentless and fruitless search for her, to when they found me.
And she’s sweet in that no-nonsense way I like, or is that loyal and honest? She’d been offering for years before they died for them to come to California, to better weather and a new start, but they didn’t want to.
I decided to take a leap and call and apart from calling me a fool who’s running away if I don’t come back to properly deal with it at some point, she told me I’m more than welcome and… and I’m looking forward to hearing her stories.
Ones of my mom and my grandparents.
More than that, I’m looking forward to starting over.
“The bear was way in the back in a box under three boxes that had about two decades of dust on them.” Maya pauses for a beat, huffs, and then comes over to me and takes my hands as she sits next to me. “I bet they got this bear for you.”
“The past can’t be changed.”
“No,” she says, “but it can be a tool used to understand the present and sort it. And it can help shape a future.”
“Stop reading the back of organic oatmeal boxes. You sound like some kind of hipster self-help book.”
She snorts a laugh. But it doesn’t reach her eyes. “I’m trying to tell you the past is part of you. And we all have one. We all need to sort things. I just don’t think running away’s the answer. Not if you’re not coming back and not if you’re leaving without speaking to him. Travis? Your husband?”
I squeeze my eyes shut. “I can’t. I can’t see him.”
“You can.”
“No.” I open my eyes and look at her, my stomach pulling tight. “He didn’t fight for me. He just agreed to the divorce and moved along. And the relief in his face. Maya, you should have seen it. He’s relieved that he doesn’t have to be with me. That he didn’t have a baby with me.”
“Brandi.”
“Maya, no.” I bite my lip, gathering my thoughts to move past all the pain in me. The loss of what could have been in regard to him, the loss what could have been a new life with the baby. “I saw it. And we both know he only married me because of the pregnancy.”
She nods to my hand, the rings I haven’t taken off. “Hasn’t asked for those back, has he? And the engagement ring? Looks old, like it meant something.”
I pull them off and thrust them at her. I’m still too skinny and they come off easily. Misery and eating for me don’t go together. It’s why I need a change, a new start. Why I need space and distance to heal and think.
“Sweetie, I don’t want your rings. I have my own.”
“Can you give them to Travis?”
“You do it.”
“Maya. Please?”
There’s a beat, and then she sighs, her fingers closing around them. She pushes to her feet. “I’ll hold on to them for you. I’m not giving them to him, though. I think that’s one step I’m not gonna take. I gotta go, B. Shift starts soon, but… Look, I know you found some tenants so you’re not selling, and that’s fine. Going away isfine. Sometimes space is needed. Just space, and just for a little while. Tell him you just want space. Don’t run away and don’t shut yourself down. You’re a grown-ass woman and it isn’t a new life or the streets. And you’re treating Travis and thoughts—thoughts—of possible rejection like you’re having everything literally taken and you’ll have to go back to how you grew up.”
“I’m not.”
She stares at me, her big eyes liquid, loving, and hard as fuck. “I love you, Brandi. But yes, you are. You’re running because you’re scared. You rejected him before he rejected you. The two of you with all your wounds, the loss, the pregnancy… and I’m using pregnancy here because I know it hurts so bad, you had plans and love simmering away, but you’ll have another pregnancy that will lead to a baby.” She shakes her head.
“What—”
“Not done, honey. Don’t use something like that as a shield. And you go on about him not fighting. Did you fight for him, Brandi? Did you get out of your own way and demand the world you want from him. I know you didn’t. Because if you did, what’s the worst that can happen?”
I glare at her, getting up, too. “He rejects me.”
“Bullshit.” She crosses her arms. “I know you well enough to know that you’re not afraid of rejection. You’d wrap yourself in it and never do anything ever again. You’re scared he’ll want you, answer your dreams, and that will be too much to carry for you. It’ll feel like you’ve actually got something to lose. And worse, you’re scared of happy because I think you think you don’t deserve it.”
“Not fair. You’re twisting your words so I don’t know what you’re saying.” But I laugh to hide the quiet awkwardness I’m feeling. Because she’s right.
