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On shaky legs, I turned and rushed out of his office. I was able to make it to the elevator, and once the doors closed, I sank down and wept.
33
Todd
The minute my office door closed, I stood up and hurled my laptop against the wall. Anger and frustration and something worse, fear that I was wrong, swirled in a toxic mix. Twice she suggested that I couldn't be a family man, I couldn't be a father, and it gutted me. But the words that sent a chill down my spine were when she suggested that I sign my rights away. Did she say that just to fuck with me? Was the child really mine?
If it was mine, why hadn't she told me? Once again, her harsh words about my not being a family man came back. Maybe she hadn't planned to tell me. For reasons I couldn't explain, that hurt worse than the idea of her trying to pawn off a child that wasn't mine. It told me she really didn't care for me. She didn't think I was capable of being a husband and a father. Any way that I looked at the situation, it was clear that Betts didn't think much of me.
The intercom on my phone buzzed. I pressed the button.
"Mr. Marshall, is everything okay? It sounded like there was a crash in there."
"Everything's fine," I assured my secretary. It wasn't fine, of course. But I was the owner and CEO of a billion-dollar company. I couldn't look like I was losing my grip.
I walked over and picked up the shattered pieces of my laptop, deciding they were a metaphor for my life. I set them on my desk and walked over to the window. I stared out over the desert as if it would have answers.
My phone rang, and at first, I thought I would ignore it, then I worried it might be Dean. I pulled my phone from my pocket. Looking at the caller ID, I saw it was Levi.
"Hey," I said.
"I'm heading out in a bit, but I want to check in and see how your talk with Betts went."
"It's all gone to hell." I pinched the bridge of my nose with my thumb and index finger.
"Want to meet?”
"I don’t know what I want to do."
"Come meet me for a drink, then."
Levi told me where to meet him, and while I didn't really want to go, neither did I want to stand here in my office looking out the window, wondering how much I'd fucked up my life.
I walked into the casino bar, finding Levi already had a table. It wasn't even noon yet, but I ordered a double shot of whiskey and explained to him what happened last night when I’d gone to Betts’s and Pete had showed up. I told him how she’d come to my office today telling me that the child was mine.
"You know, there are DNA tests to determine paternity," Levi said.
"She said she wrote me off as someone who could have a family. Twice. She even sounded skeptical about my ability to fix things with Dean."
He winced, and I was glad he recognized how much her words had hurt me.
"I've fallen for a woman who thinks I am incapable of being a husband and father. She told me she wanted me to sign my rights away."
He frowned. "It's a shitty thing to ask. With that said, it sounds like she’s not lying about your being the father."
"I don’t think she was going to tell me. She was outed by that story. But now that I know, she doesn't want me to be a part of its life." God, it ripped my heart apart knowing she felt like that about me.
"Too bad for her because I know otherwise."
I looked down into the amber liquid in my glass. "Maybe she's right. I fucked up pretty badly with Taylor and Dean. Maybe it isn’t in me to be a good husband and father."
"Give me a break, Todd. First of all, you and Taylor were no great love story. For her, you were rich. For you, she was pretty and willing to act the part of a trophy wife. But don’t pretend like she was the love of your life."
I took a sip of my drink, glaring at him over the rim, mostly because he was right. I’d cared for Taylor, and I think she did for me too, but it wasn’t love. At least not the depth of love required as a foundation for marriage.
"And as for Dean, you're a great dad. Maybe you had a few missteps, but what parent doesn't? And you're doing everything you can to fix them. You're a good person, Todd. One of the best people I know. Betts is wrong if she thinks you're incapable of loving. Personally, I think you should be with her, proving what I'm saying is true."
I shook my head. "It's clear the feelings are one-sided." I lifted my head and looked him in the eyes. "She doesn’t love me, but I am going to be a father to that baby. There was a time when I thought going away would be better for everyone involved, and all I ended up doing was fucking my son up. I'm not doing that again."
