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“It’s not all at once,” Ruin tells his club brother. “The worries and problems. They come in waves. Once you figure out the baby stuff, they’re crawling. Then, you get the hang of that and they’re walking and soon running. You deal with the tantrums before they get more self-contained. Suddenly, you’re taking them to school. Each year is new stuff. You’re going to feel stupid when their schoolwork gets harder, and you can’t remember what the fuck the answers are. By the time your girl is dating, you won’t be a new dad anymore. You’ll figure out that new challenge, too.”
Eagle loses his scowl and reaches for my belly. His gaze finds mine, and I see his worry fading. He wants to do things right and avoid becoming Lloyd. Except he’s already watched better fathers with their kids. First, Ruin raising Joie. Now, Armor with Gavin. That giant biker, Nomad, scared me at first, but he’s a softie with Landry’s kids. Eagle has plenty of examples beyond Lloyd.
As for motherhood, I’m not particularly worried. I remember the late nights and early mornings. I know about bottles, diapers, doctor visits, and the like. My problem is I can’t truly embrace this baby without thinking of Owen.
Lately, my son feels more present. After years of silence, his voice now often calls out to me. Owen always sounds scared. He’s lost in the dark night, as the car rolls and fills with cold water.
Opening the door to his memory instantly brings back my panic when I woke up in the hospital to find him gone.
Fighting with my shaky breathing, I wipe the sudden tears in my eyes.
“What’s wrong?” Eagle asks.
Fiona instantly lifts her head, concerned for me.
“Just hormones,” I explain and mix the truth with lies by adding, “Little things can set me off.”
My son’s fear isn’t an insignificant thing. I let Owen down. For more than a decade, I ran away from my guilt and regret. I used Fiona to distract from the pain.
Now, Owen refuses to remain a faded memory. He won’t let me embrace this new life. I don’t deserve to be happy after failing him.
Regaining control of myself in the bathroom, I return to find everyone except Eagle digging into their newly delivered lunch. He waits for me in the hallway and cups my face.
“Are you upset about us being here?”
I think to lie again. Talking about my feelings will only feed them. Silence worked for over a dozen years. I’m not about to change my system now.
Except I look into Eagle’s chocolate-colored eyes and see a man who only wants to love me. Every lie I tell is a barrier between us. I didn’t trust him to accept Fiona, yet he’s been sweet to her. I worried he couldn’t handle knowing about the baby when we’d just started dating, but he’s been excited since I told him. My secrets helped no one.
“Talking about babies makes me think of Owen,” I explain as I rest my hands on his chest and hope his strength will infect me. “I feel guilty for being happy.”
Eagle wraps me in his arms and kisses me gently. I soak in his affections, yet guilt tugs at me.
“I know I’m pregnant, yet I don’t feel it most days,” I whisper as I grip him tighter. “Soon, the baby will be big enough for me to feel her movements. I’m afraid of what that’ll bring up. I don’t know how to get control of myself.”
“Maybe you shouldn’t do that,” he says softly and strokes my hair. “You said no one let you grieve after you woke up. They wanted you to move on. You never got to feel the pain, but it never went away. So maybe you need to face it now.”
“I’m afraid,” I say and start crying. “I don’t want to think about him dying. I don’t want to remember my dead baby when I have a new one growing inside me. I’m not ready.”
Eagle glances at the family room, where everyone’s gone quiet as if reacting to my sobs. I figure he’s embarrassed, but then he wipes my cheeks.
Eagle whispers, “Selene and Yazmin go to therapy. I think Landry does, too. I don’t know how much it helps. I’m not good at asking follow-up questions, but I know they go. Maybe you can, too. Someone smart can help you know what to do.”
“You’re smart.”
Eagle shakes his head. “When my mom died, I flipped out and hid in the woods for months. I don’t know if that was a smart choice. I just did what felt right, but you need someone smart. You deserve to be happy.”
“What if I don’t?” I ask as more sobs break free. “I let my babies die.”
“You know that’s not true,” he whispers and holds me against him. “You didn’t wreck the car. You didn’t choose yourself over them. You got hurt and nearly died.”
I know Eagle’s right. His words aren’t pretty lies. I didn’t kill my babies.
However, they were mine to protect. I’m here, and they aren’t. Blaming a dead man or bad luck feels like a copout. I’m the one still living and breathing. Getting a second chance always felt greedy. Now with Eagle and the baby, I’m sure I’m the bad guy.
“I thought I felt the baby move this morning,” I tell Eagle. “Rather than be happy, I felt guilty. My first daughter kicked a lot on the day she died. When I woke in the hospital, my body felt hollowed out without her. I don’t think I can get through this pregnancy without facing the past.”
“Then, we’ll get you a shrink. And we’ll talk when you need to. If you want to cry, just let it out. No one will rush you.”
