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Of the three candidates, Olive was the only one I didn’t sense would bail at the first sign of trouble. She’s desperate like I was when I started. If things work out, she can move into the guesthouse and rebuild her savings for retirement.
This job would be ideal for her hobbies, too. She likes to cook, and Fiona has recently become curious about different foods. Olive also enjoys knitting and reading. Quiet hobbies work well with Fiona’s lifestyle.
Yesterday, Fiona seemed wary of the woman despite enjoying her meatballs.
“Gatsby likes her,” I told Fiona last night. “And he doesn’t like most people.”
Fiona smiled at my words and reached for the dog.
“I want you to have fun with Eagle,” she replied, explaining why she didn’t pitch a fit over these changes.
I think of her words as I fight the panic in my chest. Fiona’s pushing herself so hard to allow me this opportunity. No one in my life has sacrificed for me before. My parents had a child because it was expected. I never sensed they had any emotional desire for offspring.
Maybe that’s why they never sacrificed anything for me. Steve was the same way. Owen was just a little boy, so of course his needs came first.
Fiona might often act like a child, yet right now, she’s proving her maturity.
That’s why I need to find my strength and get out of bed. I rest my hands protectively across my belly and think of the baby’s father. Eagle needs more from me. I crave more from him, but I’m afraid to push either of us. I’m a big believer in removing Band-Aids slowly to lessen the pain.
After forcing myself out of bed, I clean up while giving myself a pep talk.
“You haven’t been on a real date since you were eighteen,” I say to the scared woman in the mirror. “Steve and you saw that boring action movie with too much talking. He didn’t want to get popcorn, so you skipped it. Tonight, you’re going with a man you love. Eagle’s owned your thoughts for months. Aren’t you curious if he likes popcorn or Milk Duds? Do you think he’ll hold your hand?”
I smile weakly at my reflection. Even with Eagle on my mind, I can’t control my tears.
“What’s wrong with you?” I demand before hearing how much I sound like my mother.
Feeling beat down by my own anger, I take a quick shower to wash away my tears. I force the pain and fear down into that bottomless pit inside me. My fears for Fiona go next to the grief over Owen. My question over the durability of Eagle’s and my relationship gets shoved next to my decades of regrets and disappointments.
I step out of my bedroom with a thin veneer of calm. Panic still bubbles under the surface. I’m not even sure what I fear.
These are the moments when I wish Fiona were more of an equal. I could turn to her with my fears and talk them out. She might have ideas to help me. I could lean on her without feeling guilty.
However, as soon as I see her tucked in her canopy-style bed, I know Fiona can’t carry the burden of my confused feelings. She’s struggling just to keep up with the weird demands and mood swings of her monstrous family. What if Todd insists Fiona join him for dinner despite my absence? Can she tolerate their madness with a stranger like Olive?
“Where are you eating with Eagle tonight?” Fiona asks as I guide her to the bathroom.
“I’m not sure. He said the club is part owner of a steakhouse. That’s where we’re going.”
“Can you take pictures of the food for me?”
“Of course.”
Fiona smiles as I help her into the shower. She hums a tune as if she isn’t nervous about spending the night without having me nearby. Her bravery cracks once she’s dressed in her dark gray loungewear. I notice how the corners of her mouth tug downward.
“If you have any issues, call me and I’ll come home,” I say as I brush out the tangles in her soft hair.
“Will the movie be loud?”
“Yes. It’s one of those action movies with Vin Diesel.”
“I don’t know who that is.”
“We’ll look him up at breakfast.”
“Does Olive know what to feed me?”
“I gave her a menu and made sure she knew how to cook everything on it.”
