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Everyone nods, agreeing with how Tuesday’s full of hot air.
Not done causing trouble, Tuesday explains, “I’m staying in Felix’s house. You can come over for dinner. Once you live at Otto’s place, you can invite us over. Wait, can you cook?”
“Of course, she can,” Edith mutters. “She’s a fundie. Her life is nothing but cleaning, cooking, and crapping out babies with large foreheads.”
I touch my face self-consciously. Feeling small, like back with my family and church, I can’t deny I lack the sass to successfully navigate Ike’s family.
“You’re making her cry!” Tuesday announces, standing up and hurrying over to us. “Don’t take her behavior personally, Oana. Edith’s just really horny and lonely.”
I frown at her helpfulness, especially when she says my name wrong.
“It’s not pronounced, ‘ooh-ana.’ It’s like, Oh, that’s a cool idea, Ana.’”
“Thank God. The ‘ooh’ sounded too close to ‘ew,’ and I just can’t believe anyone would name their kid something so weird.”
“Like Tuesday?” yells out the clerk.
When we all turn to her, she realizes just how much she’s outnumbered. Once the clerk acts busy, the group seems unsure of what’s happening.
“I don’t want you to divorce me,” I tell Ike.
“Wait, you’re married?” Journey gasps, adding to the horrified sounds from her sisters.
I worry Ike will explain the lack of legal backing to our matrimonial situation. Instead, he just replies, “Yes.”
“But her cherry remains intact!” Tuesday declares and looks at me. “I thought you were horny.”
Frowning at her helpfulness, I mutter, “I am. Ike said we should wait.”
Tuesday makes a loud “aw” sound and pats Ike’s cheek. “What a sexually repressed gentleman.”
“You were the one who told me to wait.”
“Wait, when was this?” Journey asks, bumping Tuesday.
Ike’s blonde cousin acts confused while shuffling away from her aunt. “I banged my head during wild Bullet Train sex and can no longer remember details.”
Edith tries to trip Tuesday, who outmaneuvers her and returns to the couch where Roxie and Alexis eat popcorn.
I think of what Ike told me about his cousin West who fell in love with Alexis Toomey. In the beginning, the homesteaders didn’t like the redhead. The Toomey family is known for being obnoxious. Basically, they’re like my family except with less Jesus.
Now, Alexis is past the awkward stuff and part of the homestead family. I wish I could skip to that part. Based on the frown Journey’s wearing, I don’t see her welcoming me into her family anytime soon.
“Okay, so I’ve made a decision,” Donovan announces as he stands between his wife and daughter. “We will leave Ike and Oana here to enjoy their honeymoon.”
“No,” Edith and Journey say in unison.
Ignoring their responses, he continues, “Tomorrow afternoon, they’ll visit our house for dinner. We’ll talk things out and get to know Oana in a safe space.”
“Safe space?” Edith mocks.
Donovan frowns at his daughter, who rolls her eyes while also backing down.
“We are in public,” Donovan says and looks around the lobby. “In Rockwell, where Mooney men ride around in police cruisers. We should end this now.”
“We’ll be over tomorrow,” Ike tells his parents. “For dinner. In a few days, we’ll move into Otto’s house. During Edith and Tuesday’s antic, Otto texted to say we could stay as long as we needed. Just no fucking in his bed.”
Though these wild people embrace chaos with ease, I’m lightheaded from all the drama. The spicy dinner and whirlwind day don’t help settle my nerves.
