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No.
I sat on the back deck brooding. And drinking. And brooding some more. Wondering if my trust was misplaced and would come back to bite me in the ass. Or would Maddie prove me wrong? I wanted, more than anything, for her to prove to me that while she might feel some kind of loyalty to the Ashbys, it would never top her loyalty to me.
What a fucking pussy. That was probably what Charlie’d say if he were here right now. But he wasn’t. It was just me and my thoughts. Thoughts that wouldn’t stop because I fucking loved Maddie. I loved her goddammit, but as long as she was part of the Ashby family, it would always be an obstacle between us.
How in the hell did I manage to fall in love, for the first time, with a woman who lived with one of the most prominent crime families in Nevada? Hell, in the entire goddamn U S of A?
The same way you thought you could become a good cop coming from the baddest MC in the state.
“Fuck,” I growled to myself. Ma was right. I didn’t know how to do anything easy in my life. I would have to fight every day as a police officer to prove I wasn’t in the pocket of the Reckless Bastards or criminal families like the Ashbys. Every partner I had would look at me sideways until I proved myself. So why should loving Maddie be any different?
I took a long pull of my beer and sighed my frustration. Maddie was perfect for me. She was exactly what I needed after a day of dealing with the dregs of society, the people the world forgot about. If the world ever gave a fuck in the first place.
I needed her smart mouth, her irreverent way of looking at the world despite how it had treated her when the world was too much for me. Hell, even now, days later, I couldn’t close my eyes without seeing the dead body of Tits Stepanova. All I wanted was to see Maddie to drown out the gruesome images in my head.
I wanted to lose myself in her body to wash away the stench of decaying flesh, to stare deep into her laughing brown eyes to get rid of that dead-eyed stare that never blinked. I didn’t just love her, didn’t just want her in my life. I fucking needed her. I needed Maddie as much as I needed the air I breathed.
I drained my beer and tried to get my mind used to the idea that I’d have to learn to live without her.
There was movement inside the apartment, holding me in my seat instead of heading inside to get another beer. I wondered if she’d leave without saying a word, or if she would make us both endure a long, drawn out goodbye.
“Jamie?” Her voice came out low and soft, almost timid. The only time I’d ever heard her sound like that was exhausted after too many orgasms.
“Maddie. You read the file.”
She let out a nervous sigh. “I did.”
I didn’t get up, but looked up at her, waiting for the bomb she was about to drop on me. Preparing myself for the explosion in my gut when I realized I’d have to let her go. “Good. That’s what I wanted.”
It stung that she, of all people, would think I might be the kind of cop to accept shit at face value.
“I’m sorry, Jamie. I don’t know what else to say other than I’m sorry to make you understand just how fucking sorry I am.”
Her words were gravelly, like it hurt to even say them.
“This past year, it’s been too much for me. Despite the shit show my life has been in general, I’ve only ever had to worry about me and Molly. And ever since you came into my life, well, giving a shit about another person has been hard. It takes some getting used to.”
“Not that hard, actually.” I was being a dick, but I needed to see if she was the kind of girl who’d fight when it was important, or if she’d just give up. Walk away. “If it matters.”
“Don’t be an asshole. It matters. It’s just, I was too busy thinking about you, about us, from one day to the next. I didn’t see the big picture. And the idea that Molly wanted nothing to do with me, it fucked my head up.”
I could hear the rejection in her tone, but I didn’t dare look at her.
Not yet.
“Jamie, I’m sorry.”
“You said that already.”
“You matter to me a lot. And I want, no, I’m going to treat you like someone who matters to me. Because you do.”
I nodded, not quite sure if I believed her. “I matter. Great.”
“Fucking asshole,” she muttered low, as if to herself and moved around the deck so she stood right in front of me, hands fisted on her hips as she glared down at me. “I see now that Mueller wasn’t the piece of shit I thought he was, and I’m sorry I accused you of being a G-man.”
