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“Of course I did. What kind of man do you think I am?”
“I haven’t had any complaints about the man you are, Christian. Far from it. I just need you. I need to touch you.” She leaned forward to touch her forehead to my chest. “Today was hard.”
“Baby, I know. I’m sorry. I’ve done all of this so wrong. I just didn’t expect to have you in my life. And then Reagan…”
“Not just that. Though that rocked me, I gotta admit.” She lifted her face to mine and her eyes were pure liquid. Not so much as a teardrop fell, but my chest twisted just the same. “I’m scared.”
I cupped her cheek. “What? Why?”
“So many reasons.” She dipped her head and still those tears somehow didn’t fall, as if she knew they would break me so she kept them in check. “Reagan is beautiful. Her smile is yours.”
“You think so?”
“I know so. I’ve looked at it so many times.” She traced her fingertip along my lips. “It’s the same as yours. I wish I saw it more.”
“Oh, Honey, if you only knew. I didn’t ever smile before you. It’s been so long since I wanted to. You’ve brought so much to me, and it’s not just this.” I gestured wildly at her and me. “It’s so much more. If you want to touch me, we don’t have to get naked. We’re about so much other than that. If you don’t realize that, if I didn’t make that clear to you before this—”
“It’s not your fault. It’s just the sand is shifting under my feet and everything is changing and I’m not ready.” She linked her arms around my neck and fumbled for my mouth with her own, her lips clinging to mine.
Though it pained me to move back, I did. I bent my knees so I could look directly in her beautiful, tragic eyes. “I don’t want to rush you. That’s the last thing I want. So if this is all too much, just tell me and we’ll back off. We’ll just date. Like normal people. I’m not sure how but you probably know. You don’t have to even think about Reagan if you’re not there yet.”
She shook her head and the tears finally fell, cleaving through me as surely as if she’d hacked at me with a blade. “You have to deal with it so I do too. You’ve done all this alone for all these years. She wouldn’t even let you have your own daughter.” She screwed her eyes shut and the tears kept coming, tracking down her cheeks.
I’d never seen her cry before. Not even a hint of it. And now that she was…she was crying for me?
“I would never do that to you,” she whispered as I tried to process what was happening. “Never. No matter what.”
“I know that. Of course I know that. You’re a whole different person. Honey, it was a long time ago. Don’t feel bad for me. I was the one who made a baby with her. So if I picked so badly…well, that’s on me. I fucking messed up. But Reagan is sweet and smart and perfect, so her mother did one thing right. And I’ve done something right that I have you. Somehow.”
“You do have me. I’m not going anywhere.”
I cupped her damp cheeks and pressed a kiss to her forehead then her mouth. “I love you.” I shuddered when her lips trembled under mine. “And here I am telling you we can just date and then I say that…but it’s true, baby. I can’t keep it inside any longer. But you don’t have to love me back right away. You don’t have to do anything that doesn’t feel right.”
Her smile was a balm to the ache in my chest. “As if I could stop.” She kissed me back and it was everything I hadn’t realized I needed after today.
All the worry and stress and heavy thoughts I’d carried for so long melted away under her lips. She wrapped herself around me and I picked her up as if she weighed nothing. All arms and legs, a little gangly with it to go with the curves that slayed me so effortlessly. Every bit of her in my embrace felt perfect.
As if I could carry her forever.
“Where are you taking me?” she asked between kisses, spicy from the soup I’d brought her mixed with the cherry sweetness of her lip gloss.
“You’ll see.”
She assumed her bedroom I’m sure, but that wasn’t where I was headed. I made my way to her rarely used tiny balcony, unlocking it and carrying her out into the relentless snow. She laughed dazedly and kicked her bare legs to remind me she wasn’t exactly dressed for winter. Me neither. The wind kicked snow into our faces and she laughed, not the least bit dismayed that her boyfriend was clearly a nut.
From up here, we had the perfect view of Crescent Lake. The owl windchime strung up from the eaves danced madly, giving us music to go with the wild wind. Snow slanted down into the choppy water, shimmering over the Christmas lights strung up around the gazebo beside the lake.
The holidays were stampeding our way, no matter how we might want to hit the pause button and stop time so we could savor it.
“I love you,” I murmured against her cold lips, making them warm with my own.
And with all the chaos surrounding us, that was the only thing that mattered.
FIFTEEN
It was latewhen we dragged ourselves to his house. I had to admit I’d never been more comfortable in a space. It felt like our home all ready.
He held me all night. And I held in a secret that considering his past, I was duty bound to tell him if I even had an inkling.
