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“If that’s the way you feel then that would be a completely valid reaction.”
She sighed, deflated. “Honestly, I’m not sure I have it in me to be pissed. There’s no one to be pissed at, nothing to vent towards. I could be mad at my biological family for putting me in that place, but I don’t know their circumstances, so that isn’t logical. I could be mad at the person who tied me down, but I’ll never find them, so that’s not constructive. I guess I’m mostly frustrated that this has reared its head and there’s something else to deal with, but what’s done is done. Right?”
“Feelings aren’t logical. You don’t throw a feeling away for not being constructive.”
She gave him a sad, ironic sort of half-smile. “Sure you do. I’m in control of my own happiness. I get to decide if I’m happy or sad. There are times when I must deal with something that makes me sad, whether I want to or not, but in general, my happiness is my responsibility. If I identify a feeling as being a danger to my happiness, I can certainly label it destructive and decide to toss it, if I want.”
“Denying your feelings doesn’t move you forward.”
“Correct. I learned that a long time ago, but there’s a difference in deciding you don’t want to feel a certain way, and in denying you feel that way. For instance, my first instinct was to feel anger, so I asked who I would be angry with, and there’s no one to aim my resentment and fury at. I can be angry at the situation, but that won’t help me deal with it. So, if I can’t aim it a specific somewhere, maybe it isn’t anger. Without a focus, anger is just frustration, right? Frustration won’t help me deal with it either, but it’s how I feel, and knowing how I feel is a good first step. I’m not explaining this right, but itispossible to decide you don’t feel that way without being in denial.”
“I’m impressed. Okay, so you’re frustrated. What next? Is there something you want to do about it, or are you okay acknowledging your frustration and just letting it go for a little while.”
She shook her head and glared at him. “Bastard.”
“I thought you weren’t angry?”
She shook her head again. “I’m not angry, I’m frustrated, but that has nothing to do with my calling you names.” She sighed. “You’re right. I’m going to want to beat it, to be restrained without freaking. You knew that already.”
“I figured, yeah. We’ll go slow with it, though, and it might take months before you’re in more than a climbing harness with your hands free, understood?”
She tilted her head back, feeling the cool water on her scalp. She kept leaning back, sinking her head until only her nose and mouth were out of the water. With the water in her ears, she could hear the pool pump, but no longer heard the birds and other noises one hears on a working ranch. She took a few breaths and pulled her head back up to look at him.
“I’m not going to try to negotiate anything at this time. We’ll start out with your ideas, and if I think we need to move faster then we’ll talk about it. If I think you’re moving too fast, same thing, we’ll talk about it.”
Marcus must’ve realized she was finished with the conversation, because he nodded to acknowledge what she’d said, but changed the subject. “Jonah has invited us for dinner.”
“Yeah, I told him I’d need to talk to you, but it would probably be okay. Did you have other plans for us? I’d kind of like to stay, if it’s okay with you.”
“I’m fine with staying, but you need to understand a few things. He told you he’ll have a guest?”
“Yes, someone submissive to him, but they aren’t in a relationship, but he knows him pretty good, apparently.”
“Right, his name is Billy, and he belongs to another Master. Billy’s Master is out of town, and he’s loaned Billy to Jonah for the night. From what I gather, Jonah is good friends with Billy’s Master, and this isn’t the first time Jonah has had access to Billy, because it sounds like Jonah is well aware of what Billy’s needs are.”
Marcus turned a little, so the sun wouldn’t be in his eyes as much. “We haven’t talked about formal rules versus casual, I don’t think. For a full-time submissive, casual rules are in play most of the time, and formal rules are for scenes. Every couple gets to negotiate their own rules, but generally speaking, formal rules often require an honorific every time the submissive speaks.”
“And Jonah asked if that would be okay while we eat?”
“I told him it should be fine, which led to the question of how to introduce you and I to Billy. He needs to know we aren’t vanilla, or he’ll feel self-conscious about being outed as a submissive to people who don’t get it. However, Billy’s formal speech rules require he show respect to all Doms, and Jonah was worried it would weird me out. I told him it was fine to introduce both of us as Doms, and that I’d explain things to you, which I believe I just did.”
“Is that common? To own someone to the extent you can loan them out?”
“Not so much in the hetero world. It happens, but I wouldn’t call it common. I’m not sure about the gay BDSM scene.” He shrugged. “I don’t believe it matters how common it is, it only matters that some people choose to play by those rules. You know my housekeeper is basically on loan to me while she’s in my home — her Master has given me access to her ass or her mouth, and has given me the option to use a few implements on her if she doesn’t perform up to standards. If one of Kyle’s kinks was to be owned to the extent he could be loaned out, would you do it for him?”
She opened her mouth to sayno, but then thought about it again and closed her mouth. A few seconds later, she started again. “Wow, that’s not what I was thinking at all. I was thinking it would be the Master’s kink, and the sub would just have to deal with it. I hadn’t considered it might be the sub’s kink. Does Kyle need it? I mean, I might be okay loaning him to a male Dom, but I’m not sure I’d be okay with another woman Topping him.”
He smiled. “Puts a whole new spin on it, doesn’t it? To my knowledge, Kyle is only interested in belonging to you and has no interest in playing with others.”
She nodded. “Speaking of Kyle, he’ll be exhausted when he gets home tonight. I’m glad he’s in such high demand, but he needs to learn to tell people he only does so many surgeries a week, and they’ll just have to wait their turn.”
“Have you told him this?”
“No. It’s his job, his business. I wouldn’t appreciate him telling me how to run any of my businesses.”
“Fair warning, if I see you burning yourself out, I’ll voice my opinion about it.”
“So you think I should tell Kyle he’s doing too much?”
