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“What I want doesn’t matter right now.”
“What was that before? Why couldn’t you just tell me what happened between the two of you?”
“Because I don’t want to think about her.” He shakes his head, frustrated. “It was a relief to have something, a reason to cut ties with her. And now it makes me think I’m like, cold or something. That I can hurt people without really caring one way or another.”
“But Samantha did something terrible to you. It’s not the same. Do you really believe what you’re saying right now?”
“It sounds like history repeating itself. I left her and didn’t look back. Aren’t you afraid I’m going to hurt you, disappoint you again?”
“Yes, I am.”
His eyes close in anguish. “Do you know how much it hurts to love you the way I do?” He makes his way over slowly, drops his keys and takes a seat at the foot of my bed. “I’d never be able to live with myself if I hurt you that way again.”
“I could hurt you too.”
“I know that.”
“Do you love me because of Ethan?”
“It’s not because of Ethan. I love youandI love Ethan. I want you in my life no matter what.” He reaches over tentatively, lays his hand over mine. My skin heats at his touch. “Open your eyes,” he whispers. “Please tell me you want me in your life.”
“I do. I want you, Simon.”
He moves closer still. One hand skims up my thigh, landing on my hip, while the other cups my cheek. “I’ll be good to you. I promise you that.”
So long. It’s been so long.
“I want to kiss you,” he says.
They’re the same words he used that first time, so many years ago. But I want more now. He sits back and watches as I reach down and peel my tank top up and over my head. I’m aching for what I’ve missed out on all these years, and I trust this man, so I don’t stop. I shimmy out of the sleep shorts I’m wearing too, baring myself to him.
He looks me over starting at my toes, making a long, agonizing path up and over every inch of me. My instinct is to cover up, but his eyes are hungry and loving at once. “You’re mine,” he says, and then stands to undress himself while I watch.
His kiss is everything. It’s tender, it’s dominating, it’s safe. “I’ve wanted this for so long.” And his hips pressing into mine communicate his need. I slide my hand between us, wanting to feel him, remembering what it was like to have my entire body ignite like it did years ago. He moans when I make contact, and even though I know we’re not ready to take that step tonight, my legs fall open for him. “You’re mine, Charlotte,” he repeats.
And I know it, I am.
Chapter Thirty-One
Simon
This is what it’s supposed to feel like.
Ethan has just gone down for the night and the two of us are swinging in the hammock, lazy and sated. Charlotte is nestled into my side and she fits perfectly. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so content, felt so at peace the way I do when I’m with her.
“I can’t believe September if just three weeks away,” she says.
“I know. I hate thinking about the summer ending.”
“Are you sure you’re making the right decision? I’ve been researching and—”
I cut her off. “You mean if I checked your computer’s search history I’d find stuff like, um, the disadvantages associated with transferring in the middle of law school?”
She tickles under my armpit. “Something like that.”
“And what are the downsides?”
“Obviously, you lose the contacts you’ve made at Northwestern.” She emphasizes, “Not just the professors, but your fellow students.”
