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I'm at her office door in seconds. "Clarissa, open this fucking door, right now!"
She doesn't answer as I bang on the glass, almost afraid it'll shatter. I look through the window, and she's sitting on the floor with her back against her desk, out of the range of the door. She's not refusing to open the door, she just can't.
I slam my shoulder against it, I can't believe I'm still doing this. I can't believe that so much has changed, yet so much is the same. I take a few steps back and charge at the door.
It swings open and I fall onto the floor next to her, pulling her to me, rubbing her back as I whisper. "I'm here, darling, I'm here. You're okay." She's shaking so hard, sweat drenching her body. "Oh, darling, look at me. Look at me, come on. We're going to get you through this."
She tries to lift her head, but it's too hard.
I gently prop up her chin with my palm, and lean down, level with her face.
"Look at me, there's a good girl." Those dazed eyes reach into my chest and rip out my heart. "Now we're going to breathe together, okay?" I cross my legs so I'm sitting right in front of her. "I'm panting too, see? I ran here to see you. Now we're going to breathe together. On three."
One hand on her face, one hand reaching around rubbing her back. I take a deep breath.
She doesn't do anything, just keeps gasping. Panicked.
"It's okay, Rissie. We're going to do it again. Don't think about a single thing other than breathing when I breathe." I swallow, focusing on her and only her. "One, two, three," I say and then take a deep breath. Her jaw drops a little as she tries to take a deeper breath. "Good! Oh, my love, that was so good. Another one. Come on. One, two, three, breathe."
She copies me again.
"And out," I exhale and she mirrors me. "Again. One, two three, breathe, deep deep deep!"
She copies, her eyes fluttering, trying to focus on mine. Sometimes she slips and starts to gasp again, but then I grab her chin and she focuses. "Such good big breaths, you're doing great, darling. You're really helping me, too."
Slowly, she starts to breathe on her own, her shakes still there but faded to a tremor.
My hand draws hundreds of circles on her back. "Good, now tell me, what are five things you can see right now."
I take her through the grounding exercise, and by the end, her eyes are focused, and she runs her hand over her forehead, wiping away the sweat.
And when she says, "I'm okay," I almost cry with relief. Arms wrapped around her, I pull her to me, hugging her so tightly, I feel her heart beating against my chest, and hope she can feel mine.
"That's good, darling, that's so good," I say, before I choke up. "You're going to be just fine. I'm here."
And we sit there, until the sunlight outside her office window turns into night.
***
"I need you to pack a bag when we get home," I say when we're in the car going back to my apartment later that afternoon so she can rest.
"What?" she frowns. "What for?"
Things have become so hard, I feel like every conversation is a fight. "I can't leave you to go to Damien's wedding worried about how you're going to have another panic attack and I'm not here."
She looks away, training her eyes out the window. "I'll be—"
I slide over until I'm pressed up against her. "For the love of fuck, Clarissa, if you say you're okay, I think I'm actually going to tell Kevin to drive this car right off the fucking bridge. You arenotokay. And I'm not talking about your anxiety, I understand how hard that is for you, and I think you're doing your best. I'm talking about what is going on with us! Something's happened, and if you're not ready to talk about it, I don't like it, but I understand. And I'm going to give you a little time before I shake it out of you. But you arenotfine. That was not a normal attack, something triggered you. And I'm not going to be on other side of the world and get a call. I will lose what's left of my ever-loving mind."
Her forehead crinkles and I can't tell if she's frowning or crying. "But I can't go with you. Not toDamien's wedding. In what world do you that that can happen?"
I know she's right. But I have my reasons too. I won't be able to enjoy my brother's wedding, and he deserves for me to be present on this most important day of his life. "Please, just come with me and we'll work it out." My tongue darts over my lips, my mouth suddenly dry. "I'll talk to him."
"And the bride?" Clarissa asks. It's the first time she's even acknowledged My-Linh.
"She'll understand." I think she will, I just don't know how I feel about forcing her to.
"Will she?" Clarissa asks, sounded incredulous.
