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When he pulls back, I chase his lips with my own, but he moves too far away. His face is pained, and before he even says anything, I know the answer.
“No. I can’t. I want to, but I can’t. I hurt you, and I can’t risk it anymore. If you can’t allow me to help you, then please, call someone. Please have someone you trust come and help while I am working. I can't leave without knowing you will be okay.”
“You fixed my door. I can shower and apply cream and my wrap without help. I’ll be fine, Whitley. I promise.” His eyes look deep into mine, I don’t know what he is looking for, but I think that he found it as he gives me a nod in agreement. “But, I have no problem having someone come sit with me. Can you hand me my phone?” I point to where I left my phone.
When he hands it to me, his fingers graze my palm, and it takes everything I have not to pull him into me. Pain be damned. Judging by the color of his neck and the heat in his eyes, he is in the same place. He hesitates for a moment like he wants to kiss me goodbye, but that wouldn’t end well at all. With a small smile, he backs away to leave, his eyes watching me. I know he won’t walk out the door until I call someone. Part of me wants to have this staring contest with him. Make him stay and let me watch him all day, but I know that would be hell on me. I flip through my contacts and call the one brother I know who might uncomplicate my feelings as well as drive me insane.
“Hey, hey, how's things?” Turd calls through the speaker. Whitley smiles while he rolls his eyes and leaves quietly. All while, I feel like he took my whole soul and my reason to be with him.
CHAPTER FIVE
“You’re looking better,” Zombie tells me as he enters my house. I’d stayed away from the club for about a week after my visit to the ring. It was too hard on my body to be up and moving, and riding my bike sure as fuck wasn’t going to happen. Everything that I did for them, I could do from my house. I was thankful when Cowboy told me that he didn’t need me at the club.
“I’m not going to punish you any more than I already have. I know I’m an asshole and can be a huge piece of shit, but I’m working on it. I don’t want you back at the club unless you’re absolutely needed. Even then, I’ll send someone to get you.”
“Thanks, Prez.”
“Love ya, brother.”
It was a quick, easy call, and as I said, I’m grateful. I’ve been able to just sit at home and relax. I don’t have to put any stress on my body unless it’s to get up and feed the cats or take a shit. I’ve been wrapping my ribs and rubbing the cream on that Whitley gave me, and I’m not taking my pain meds as much anymore. When Whitley—
“Whitley,” I mumble.
“What was that?” Zombie asks as he shuts my door.
I cough, “What’s up, man? Does Prez need me to come in?” I start to stand up. Because that’s another thing, I’ve been able to sit up more with less pain.
“What, I can’t come to see your sorry ass?” he laughs at me. He’d been keeping tabs on me and called as much as he could. He got sent out on a run the day after I had been taken to the ring. “So tell me, what’s been goin’ on with you?”
“Motherfucker, you’re looking at it. I sit here and chill with my cats. I’m still looking into what I can find about everything, but I’m not having much luck. I don’t know who The Company has working for them, but they’re smarter than me. I can’t crack it.”
I rub my hands up and down my face and let out a frustrated groan. Nothing was going my way. I wanted to get the information that we needed to take The Company down, but when I started to get nowhere with that, my mind would shift to Whitley. I was in a constant loop of disappointment. Couldn’t I have one thing go in my favor? Whitley hadn’t come over since the night he left. The same night that I confessed to him how much I wanted him. The same night that he gave me a small glimpse into what he wanted to do to me.
I miss him.
I’ve repeatedly thought about going over there. Just showing up—banging on the door until he let me in. I’ve become attached to him, and his staying away is fucking me up more than anything else. This insanely quick, practically instant obsession probably isn’t healthy. I choose to ignore that. Most likely not my smartest decision but fuck it.
“Man, it ain’t all on you. We’re all trying. The Company knows what the fuck they’re doing. So far, the only thing that they haven’t been able to figure out is where Dizz and Meg are. This got me thinking that they stopped looking for her once Neil died. But for everything else, there is no way that you can crack this all on your own. We’re all gonna have to work together to get these fuckers stopped. Stop stressing so much. When is the last time you got laid?”
I spit out the drink that I had just started to enjoy. I was positive that my face flushed because I immediately thought of Whitley. However, I wasn’t ready to tell Zombie about him yet. In this aspect, I was still terrified.
When I decided to go all in with Whitley, and explore what is happening to me when I look at him, think about him, touch him, and everything else, it was this feeling of relief. Like something had been weighing me down, and I was struggling for air. But then, as soon as I accepted the fact that Whitley wrapped himself around me, it was like I could breathe for the very first time. Large lungfuls of air lifted me out of the dark and off the ground and led me to what is sure to be my happiness.
But telling Zombie? Telling anyone? I can’t do it. Not yet. I’m not ready. I don’t know when I will be, but for now, I know that I’m not.
“It’s been a while, man.”
“Well, there’s your problem. You need pussy. Want me to wingman it for you? You are an ugly motherfucker.” he laughs at me and pushes my shoulder. I can’t help but laugh with him as I tell him that it isn’t needed. I let him know that I need to just step away from my computer for a little bit and not think about it.
What I really needed was Whitley.
I may or may not have lied to Zombie and told him that was what I was doing before he came over, that I was about to turn on a movie and relax—clear my head and sleep. Reality? I’m going to march over to Whitley’s and demand he sees me. I don’t know what I’ll do once I’m in the same room with him just yet. I just know that I need him.
I bang on Whitley’s door after I made sure my best friend had left. I was healed enough to do what I wanted to him. I stood there looking from his door to mine, wondering if he was even home. The longer I stood there, the more the doubt settled into my stomach. While he said that he kissed me like his soul depended on it and wouldn’t leave me, he did leave me. That coupled with the fact that I didn’t fully understand all my feelings and needs toward him.
A few more moments pass, and there’s no sound of movement behind the door. I knock once more in hopes that he is in the shower or watching a loud TV show. Still nothing. Defeated, I walk back to my place. Inside, I turn to lock the door, but something stops me. Something says that it needs to stay unlocked for a short while. I make my way to the couch that has been taken over by the cats.
Should I work? Should I try and keep my mind off the fact that I have been rejected? Or is it called ghosted when they run away completely?
