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I place each hand on the sides of his face, making him look at me. “You have my heart. Youaremy heart. Every beat, from the moment I met you, belongs to you. No one, and I mean no one, will take that from you. You are the reason it continues to beat. You’re the reason I breathe. You’re the reason for fucking everything, Whitley. Everything.”
I crash my lips to him and start to fall backward, bringing him with me. This man controlled my very will to be.
I never had a reason to get a tattoo on the left side of my body. It was this weird ass thing I decided when I was younger; I’d only cover one side. Then the older I got, the more I told myself that something that close to my heart would have to be because that thing is what made my heart beat.
My heart beats because of Whitley.
EPILOGUE
WHITLEY
“You want to go where?”
“Dinosaur, Colorado.”
“Okay, that’s not real, and also, why?”
“I want to take you somewhere that we can hold hands in public, kiss, and not worry about anyone. I want to go somewhere far away but still here in Colorado. And yes, it’s totally real. I found it one day and thought that it would be fun.”
Thinking back on that trip, I couldn’t help but smile. I had gotten the man. I was with the one person I had wanted more than anything and whom I loved with every fiber of my being. The best part was that he loved me back. That trip gave us the freedom that we currently don’t have. It gave us a couple of days of being the same as everyone else. We didn’t have to look over our shoulders and wonder who might see us. We spent time in this random ass town named after dinosaurs, and I enjoyed every minute of it.
Well, up until the drive back home. My mind shifts back to the conversation, already bringing tears to my eyes.
“Sandy.” I turn to look at him. “I need to tell you something.”
I pull off on the side of the highway so I can give him all of my focus. I grip his hands, terrified that I will lose him once I tell him what I need to do.
“Hey,” he places his hand on my face, and I lean into it, “what is it? You look terrified.”
“I am,” I whisper. I don’t even try to lie. I can’t. Not yet. I’m terrified that he’s going to leave. I kiss him and try to convey what I’m feeling. “I’m so fucking scared.”
“Whitley, you can tell me. I’m not going anywhere.”
I take a deep breath and look into his eyes. “I have to leave town for a few weeks.” His face drops, and I want to tell him never mind. I want to tell him I won’t go, but I can’t. I need to do this.
“Okay…why?” He’s trying to stay strong, but I can see the tears.
“You know I’m not happy with how it is at the precinct. I got offered a job that could get me away from him, and I would do more than just write tickets. But I have to go to the corporate office and do interviews. If they like me, I have to do this intense training, and then if I pass that, I get it. It’s a lot, but it will get me out from under Connard and into a better job, and I’ll be able to be open with you. I told them I wouldn’t work farther than Denver, and they agreed.”
I look at him, and I can’t do anything other than hope that he believes me.
“I…. I’ll be honest, I don’t want you to go, but that’s the selfish side of me. The other side that understands your needs, that side says,‘Go kick their ass. You’ve got this, baby.’”
He kisses me. I relish in the small term of endearment. We don’t use that word often, but it always feels special when we do.
“Thank you.”
“As long as you call me every day and we have a lot of phone sex, I’ll be okay.”
I laugh as I kiss him more and push my body toward his.
Shaking my head, I stop the memory. It’s already too much, and I just got here. But now that I’m here, I can’t make myself go in. Sitting in my car, I look out the window as rain pelts the side. It’s like some cheesy heartbreak music video from the early 90s. The thing is, it fits my mood. I am heartbroken and don’t know if things will ever be normal again. Glancing at the clock, I give myself ten more seconds of pity before I head inside.
I don’t remember walking into the building, the elevator, or walking through the office doors. Everything is going to change soon. I know that it will. Sandy will learn about it all, and if I’m lucky, he won’t hate me.
Luck has never been one to be on my side, though. If it were, I wouldn’t be in the spot I’m in. I get to my desk, and I sit. My mind instantly went back to Sandy. I love him with everything that I am. I’ve never been in love, and now that I am, I refuse to let it go. But will he let me go when this is all said and done? Or does he love me enough to let me stay?
Will he believe in me when I tell him I love him? When he learns the truth, will he believe me when I tell him that my love for him is real but the reason I arrived, and had to stay, was a lie? Will he forgive me? I need him to. If he doesn’t, if he hates me, I won’t be able to live with myself. How could I? Just thinking about the possibility of him walking away forever is already killing me. But this is what I signed up for. I hope that he stays when it’s all said and done. If this doesn’t work out, I’ll lose everything.
