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RIO DE JANEIRO – FIVE YEARS EARLIER
I stare, mesmerized, at the small stick in my hand.How can such a small object make not only my very few seventeen years of life pass before my eyes, but also the next thirty?
I can almost feel the eraser removing from my skin, mind and soul, all the future plans I made, the dreams I dreamed and the wishes I wished for.
Two bars. Positive.
How could I have been so stupid?I’m not a mother, I can’t be a mother, but the universe seems to disagree with me, because the two little lines remain firm before my eyes, not only on the stick in my hand, but on the other three on the white marble bathroom counter.
I look around me, capturing every luxurious detail money can buy, not because I chose them or made a point of having them.But because, according to my mother, our environment should always be a reflection of who we are and whoever came to visit me, the employees and even myself, I needed to have no doubts that Machado Rodrigues is the most sophisticated of the elite. From Rio.
My mother.I can’t even imagine the size of her outbreak and disappointment. And my dad... My parents... What will they be able to do when they find out?Danilo... What will he be able to do when I tell him?It was supposed to be just another fuck... like so many others... God, how could I have been so stupid?How did I not notice that the condom broke?
Fuck, Antonella!
I rub one hand on my face, trying to clean up the mess I’ve become, but it’s no use, the problem is inside my head, not outside.I know it’s not just my fault, but the responsibility for my life is mine and no one else’s...God...Danilo’s parents, what will the illustrious Judge Albuquerque de Holanda think of his son, only twenty years old, impregnating a seventeen-year-old girl who is not even his girlfriend?
Fuck fuck fuck!
I look up and find my reflection in the mirror.My chest goes up and down like I’ve just ran a marathon, my face and chest are hot, desperation stains my skin red.My dark eyes seem to have gained even more intensity, and the brown has become almost black.The perfectly dyed blonde hair, held back by a pearl tiara, and the ironed and neat clothes, are a complete contrast to the true mess inside me.
And what am I going to do now?How am I supposed to tell my parents about this?To Danilo? How? Again, not that I did this alone...I didn’t, but I have no doubt that it is my life, more than anyone else’s, that is about to change.What am I going to do after I tell them?
A baby... I’m going to have a baby.
I take a deep breath and close my eyes, trying to calm my frantic heartbeat.I keep my eyes closed as I count each time the organ pounds in my chest.I feel sweat pile up over my lips and my eyes burn from the urge to cry.God, it was just sex.Sex was never a problem.How?How could I have been so stupid?I’m only seventeen, I can’t have a baby, I’m a baby.
No matter how much information runs through my mind, I just can’t focus on any, not even the worst of questions: How do I tell this?How am I supposed to tell my parents that?
And, the whole situation not being bad enough, my mother barges into my bathroom unannounced.She’s saying something and stops suddenly when she finds my frightened gaze in the mirror.The next destination of her eyes is the stick in my hand and then the other three lined up on the counter.There’s no time to hide, and if there were, I honestly don’t know if I’d know how to use it.
I feel an unstoppable tremor.My blood seems to have frozen and boiled in my veins at the same time.Deep down, somewhere, swimming from the depths of me and getting closer and closer to the surface, there is shame.
Not because I had sex, but because I was stupid enough to get pregnant at seventeen.I’m smarter than that, I’m much smarter than that.Years of studying at the best schools money can pay for should have taught me the meaning of effective contraception, at least.
But the truth is that they had, or I would have found myself in this situation long before, since, despite my seventeen years, sex is not exactly new to me.The years of studying in expensive schools had taught me much more than that, they had made me smart enough to understand that it would be necessary to keep this part of my life hidden from my parents’ eyes.
They have no idea what the walls of the gymnasium, or some of the many bathrooms at the highly regarded Santa Rosa School, would say about their little princess, if they could talk, of course.They have no idea that I’m smart enough to know their marriage is broke.And that’s definitely not the way to tell them, because here, standing with terrified eyes, holding a positive pregnancy test and completely speechless, I look anything but smart.
“Who else knows?” are the words my mother chooses to break the silence.
“Nobody... I haven’t had time to tell anyone, not even Da—"
“I don’t care, Antonella, it won’t matter!Because this is a secret that will die here” she cuts my speech before I can say the name of the child’s father.
“Mom...” I blink, confused.I knew my parents’ reaction would not be easy.
Not when image is so important to them that they can keep a failing marriage looking perfect, no matter if it costs them both their happiness or my mother’s mental health.
What is she thinking?In hiding me forever?To send me to a convent?That’s exaggerated even for them.
“What do you mean it’s going to die here? My belly...”
“Your belly will remain perfectly smooth, as it always has been... I’ll schedule an appointment for tomorrow.”
And with those words, the meaning of her impassive posture finally dawns on me.I open my mouth in horror, in absolute shock at the suggestion.
“Mom…” my voice is a whisper. She can’t. She can’t be serious.I’m not a mother, I don’t want to be a mother, but... but this child...I can’t... God, I can’t... I can’t, even imagine it...
