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Her company made me able to forget the uncomfortable feeling after a few minutes by replacing it with one as completely unexpected as the first. Relief.
I knew I wasn’t happy with Antonella’s recent distance, but I had no idea I was missing her, not until we sat here and talked and laughed and ate together.Things between us happen and cease to happen at such an absurd speed, that I barely have time to understand what it was and what it ceased to be until I was confronted by the absence.
It was like that with her kiss, with the feeling of touching her, of getting touched by her, and now I realize that it was also with her company.Just sex… She got to be kidding me!
“As if you wanted me to be your dessert” she answers me without any embarrassment.The woman who was ashamed, blushing, lowering her eyes and head constantly, forgotten in another life.
“What if I do?” I decide to be as direct as she is.I look at Antonella and tilt my head to the side.Her eyes blink slightly, she didn’t expect that answer.Her surprised expression shows me that she is truly unarmed, and I decide that rather than a probation, perhaps this dinner could be an opportunity.
“That’s not going to happen, Marcos... It simply won’t…”
“And why not? We’re married” I argue, and she laughs.Antonella wouldn’t be laughing if she was going through the same desperation as me.In fact, it really pisses me off.Antonella is not immune to this uncontrolled attraction that exists between us. However, it’s almost as if she didn’t care.
“That’s exactly why! We don’t have to complicate everything because of sex, Marcos.”
“So, you’re telling me that if I was fucking someone else it would be okay, because that way we’ll avoid complicating our marriage?”
“You are not?” She looks genuinely surprised, and my mouth goes dry. Damn! This woman won’t let me fuck her, but she keeps fucking up my mind like this is her favorite sport!
“Are you?” I ask the question, and my heart comes in my mouth waiting for the answer. Ah, fuck!Her eyebrows rise, she looks away briefly, before refocusing on me.
“What if I am, Marcos?Would that be a problem?Because as far as I remember, as long as we’re discreet...”
“That was before I…” I stop mid-sentence, realizing I was about to tell her that, yes, I care if she’s having sex with someone else. Fuck!
Antonella laughs.She laughs at the fountain of my despair, and I turn all the wine left in my glass at once into my mouth.
“Before you think I’d actually do that…” She speaks slowly, as if she’s tasting the words. “That’s what you were going to say, wasn’t it?”
“No!” I deny it, but her raised eyebrow tells me she doesn’t believe it.
“Liar! So you can but I can’t?”
“If the two of us had sex, life would be so much easier.” She opens her mouth, but I save her the trouble. “I know what you’re going to say, you’re going to call me a tantrum child.” I smile and her eyes scream one of her favorite phrases, “You learn fast...”, I roll mine and take a deep breath before speaking again.Even I’m able to recognize that jealousy is a terrible approach.I try another.
“What are you so afraid of, Antonella?”
“What you call fear, I call common sense.” Her voice is calm. Completely different than I am.
“That explains a lot, because it’s been a little over a month since I lost mine.” Antonella laughs.
“Oh, so now it’s my fault?”
“It’s not mine!” I point out the obvious. “Antonella...” Dark eyes stare at me in expectation. I hear their screams, they want to run away again, and the words are being spoken by me before I even have the chance, intention or desire to process them. “Why do you try so hard to escape?”
“We’re not going to play this game, Marcos...” She looks away, and I’m almost sure that if I give her the opportunity, Antonella will find not only an escape from words, but physical too.
“How do you do that?” My doubt is honest.I don’t know how she’s able to just ignore something that’s making me border on despair. “How can you deny yourself something you want so badly? Because you can run away all you want, Antonella...But the truth is, with each passing day, you can bear it less if I touch you without feeling like you’re going crazy a little more...” She bites her lip and looks away from my eyes.
“Let’s just say the Hulk and I share the same secret...” The words come out low, spoken even without her looking at me. Almost as if Antonella is saying this much more to herself and they are followed by a dry laugh.
“I have no idea what that means...” Pays attention to me again, smile, and I shake my head, denying.One more riddle, one more complication.
“Okay, you’re a lawyer... Make your case!” It’s not a request, not an order, it’s the kind of thing you say to get someone to shut up, and I want to laugh, even if I don’t find it funny.I turn my head slightly, pout with my lips, tap my fingers on the table and reply.
“No.”
“No?” she repeats, surprised.
