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“What the fuck, Marcos!” he says, but, soon after, he looks at me.João really looks at me and sees all the misery I find myself in. “Oh, fuck! You love her! Holy fucking shit! You love her!” he concludes, and the sad smile seems to have clung to my lips, for it refuses to leave them alone, even if I don’t want to smile.
“Ain’t it fun? Of all the women in the world...”
“Marcos...”
“I know, that’s fucked up! Totally and completely fucked up!” João releases his body on the sofa and mirrors my position, resting his head on the backrest.
“Albuquerque de Holanda...Why isn’t that last name strange to me?”
“Because even if you keep it in your drawer, you have a law degree, and that’s the last name of one of the greatest lawyers of the ‘80s. Guess what the profession of Isabella’s paternal grandfather is?”
“Judge?”
“Bingo!” I move my lips dramatically and raise my glass again before taking it to my mouth and drinking a generous sip.
“So why did she hide the pregnancy?If her parents were sons of bitches enough to kick her out of the house, why instead of looking for the child’s father, did she run away from him?”
“I didn’t ask, but knowing Antonella as I think I do...It is not very difficult to guess.She was a teenager, pregnant, homeless.If the Albuquerque de Holanda wanted to take the child away from her after she was born, he would do it in the blink of an eye.”
“It just gets worse!”
“Right?”
“Fuck, Marcos... What are you gonna do?” I laugh quietly, for the first time really finding something funny since the world decided to collapse over my head.
“I kind of hoped you could help me with that, advice, you know? That thing we give our friends for free?”
“I’m sorry, I don’t have any, and I definitely didn’t want to be in your shoes.”
“Oh, what a good friend you are!” It’s João’s turn to laugh quietly.
“I have no idea what to do, my friend... None!” I admit, even if it makes me feel defeated.
“At least on this you are fulfilling expectations…”
“What do you mean?” I turn my face toward you with a frown.
“Well,” he raises his eyebrows. “In a situation like this, I thought you would be foaming at the mouth, instead you’re just...”
“Miserable,” I interrupt, completing the sentence, because if that’s exactly how I feel, I have no doubt it’s exactly how I look. “You haven’t seen her, João.” Invoked by the words, images of Antonella’s agony fill my thoughts and I squint, having as much difficulty dealing with memories as I had dealing with reality. “I was pissed.Very pissed off, bordering on out of control, to tell you the truth.But you don’t see someone breaking down the way Antonella broke down and be immune, you can’t.”
“What do you mean?” I turn to João.
“Antonella carries so much guilt, so much fear, so much loneliness, João. All I wanted was to be able to take all of that away from her, to make sure she never felt any of that stuff again.” I run my hand over my face, rub my closed eyes, and pull out my own hair.
“So why are you here and not there? With her?” The million-dollar question.Because no matter how confused I am about everything else, the fact that I wish I’d never left her alone is crystal clear.I wish I’d put her to bed, hugged her and told her it was going to be okay.But I couldn’t.Not when I’m not so sure.Antonella needs care, but not lies.Neither of us needs them.
“Because I don’t know if love is enough.” I exhale hard and bite my lip.I arrange the words as best I can before I speak again. “I’m a long way from being an expert on the thing, but I don’t know if I can get over it, João. To understand her motives, to hate the suffering that led her to hide things from me, none of that makes me any less hurt.She had many chances, and I would have understood if she had told me. I would, really. Even if it had been last night or this morning, I would still hate it, but I would understand.But the fact is, she didn’t.”
“But did she want to tell you?”
“She said so.”
“Did she say or did she try?” I think about the question. Did Antonella try to tell me?I go over the events of the last few weeks.The two of us in bed, after Isabella’s birthday and her seeming to make an important decision to, in the end, just ask me to kiss her.
The next morning, Antonella running from my bed, crying in my arms and that feeling that something was wrong.
The night on the boat, the promise that she would tell me what was wrong until the end of the night, things changing course and being postponed to the next day, the arrival of Isabella, the two of us without being able to talk.Antonella’s reluctance to say the words, to let Isabella know about both of us.
