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“Gavin,” I start, but he shakes his head no, not letting me talk.
“I love you, Junie, you know that. But, you’re making a mistake here and we both know it.”
“Hold up,” Luna interjects. “You knew they had broken up and you didn’t tell me, Gavin?”
“That’s because they haven’t broken up.”
“We have,” I argue, hope and fear warring with each other at Gavin’s words. Has he talked with Ben? Have they been discussing us? Does this mean Ben hasn’t given up on me?
“Whatever, Junie,” he dismisses me.
“I don’t see how this is any of your business, Gavin. I’m a grown woman, and I can decide who I date and who I don’t,” I mumble.
“You’re a grown woman who needs to get her head out of her ass,” he utters under his breath. I hear him though, and that just pisses me off.
“What do you mean by that?”
“Gavin, maybe we need to step back and let Junie—”
“Live my life? That’s exactly what you need to do, Gavin. My life is not yours,” I interject, finishing Luna’s sentence. I’m letting my anger take control now, but I can’t help it. I miss Ben. I miss him so much it hurts. I know my head is messed up, and I know I’m pushing him away. The thing is, I can’t seem to stop. My head is all messed up, and I seem to be drowning in the past. It’s not logical, but it’s there. Something about the fire has triggered everything in my past, and all I can feel is… panic. It’s not even logical, but it is overpowering. It’s so bad that I haven’t been able to go to my counseling sessions that I was in—not even when I know I’m losing Ben.
“Fine. Live your life. I’ll leave you alone if you can answer one question, Junie.”
“What?”
“Do you care about Kingston at all?”
Suddenly the anger leaves me, and I look out blindly toward the football field. I don’t see my nephew out there, though. I don’t see anyone. I’m too lost in my thoughts.
“Of course I do. But you can care about someone and the relationship not work out, Gavin. Not everyone is strong enough to withstand life, like you and Luna were.”
“I’d believe that if I didn’t know for a fact that Kingston is grieving the loss of you harder than any man I’ve ever seen, Junie. He reminds me of myself when I thought I’d never have Luna in my life again. I was a dead man walking,” he says, his voice gruff. I watch as Luna curls into him, stretching up to kiss him, and my heart squeezes so tight in my chest it feels like it’s in a vice.
“I…I need to go,” I mumble, tears stinging my eyes as I maneuver getting around the feet of the people beside me on the bleachers, to leave. I keep my head down, unable to look at Gavin or Luna.
“Gavin,” Luna says softly, and I hear the pity in her voice, and I hate it.
“Junie?” Gavin’s voice matches Luna, but there’s something else in it. The kindness he gave me when we met for the first time and because of that I pull my gaze up to look at my big brother.
“Life is hard, I know. I also know you have demons that I don’t understand.”
“How did you—”
“I was an FBI agent, Junie. Did you really think I wouldn’t find out why you suddenly moved from Tennessee and come to Maine so quickly?”
“It could have been because I missed you,” I murmur.
“That’s why you chose Maine, but that’s not why you left Tennessee, now is it?”
“I got to go, Gavin.”
“Work through your demons, Junie. I promise you it will be worth it.”
Gavin’s words ring in my ears, but I don’t respond. If it was that easy, I’d have already done it. I just know right now that I need to get out of here. I’m feeling too vulnerable and way too exposed.
Ben
Nine days and I haven’t heard a peep from her. Somehow, I got it in my head that she’d sort through her shit and come banging my door down. I’ve driven by her house a hundred times, even been so desperate as to check out the bar and the rebuild she’s finally beginning to work on. I’ve caught a stray glimpse of her here or there, each one cutting me open all over again. Nothing has hurt like this though. Walking into the Cliffside, the last thing I expected to see is Junie sitting here eating. Somehow, I’d managed to not see her out when I was in town. It wasn’t intentional, but I was damn glad. Right now, looking at her sitting here, talking with Karen, it feels like a kick in the gut. I don’t know the proper protocol either. I want to go up and talk to her, but she’s the one that hasn’t tried to even talk to me. It was awkward when Luna and I broke up for a while, but I’ll be the first to admit that it never hurt like this. Seeing Junie and not being able to touch or kiss her… It hurts so fucking bad that I can’t catch my damn breath. She looks up and her gaze locks with mine. I see her face go pale, and she looks like a frightened doe caught in the headlights. There’s no look of welcome. There’s just an expression that says she’d rather be anywhere else than where she is.
