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“May I?” I ask softly, and when she nods, I take Heracles from her embrace and study it. “We could probably have it fixed. He’ll have a scar, but don’t we all?”
When I try to give the dragon back to her, she shakes her head. “Put him on the table. I don’t want to accidentally damage him more.”
After placing the old toy on the bedside table, I pull her closer and move us so her head is resting on my chest.
“I’ve always wanted a big family,” I admit. “I never had any sisters or brothers to play with, but I wish I did. When I saw other kids with their siblings, I was jealous.”
Nereid hums softly.
“What about you?” I ask, wanting her to talk more and not just lie there. “Have you ever thought much about kids?”
I know she said she knew she was going to have them one day, but that doesn’t mean she’s given it much thought.
Cia moves her hand to my chest, gently twisting and curling the hair around her finger.
“Nikolaos was very clear in explaining the duties of a Leader to me and Gus. I knew whichever one of us won would have to produce Heirs. But even before then, I’ve always known I wanted kids, as many of them as possible. I want a happy home, one that’s filled with laughter and silliness.”
It fucking warms my heart to hear her speaking like this, with so much sincerity and passion, and it’s making me want to give her more of myself.
Preparing myself, I swallow several times before saying, “Nadia was pregnant when she died. We didn’t know the gender yet, and we’d only told my dad. But we were both very excited, it felt like… I don’t know, like our life was only just beginning.”
Nereid’s hand on my chest stills. “Y-you were going to be a dad?” she sounds horrified. Whether it’s at the thought of me fathering someone else’s child, or enduring the loss twice, I don’t know, and she doesn’t elaborate on her question.
I’m still struggling to come to terms with the fact that she wasn’t who I thought she was. Knowing that she was on the Tribunal is a tough truth to fucking swallow. It made me question what we had. I mean, how real could it have been when I didn’t know that about her? It’s impossible not to wonder what other surprises there might have been in store. Another part of me is indifferent, insisting it doesn’t fucking matter.
Acacia is the biggest reason that I’m not too broken up about it. It sucks to admit it, especially to myself, but in that regard, things turned out pretty fucking great for me.
I realize I haven’t answered Nereid’s question so I lift her hand to my mouth and kiss the palm. “Yeah.” It takes all my strength to get that one word across my lips. “I was going to be a dad.”
A cry of anguish leaves Nereid. “I’ve been so selfish.” When she lifts her head, her eyes are glassy from the unshed tears forming. “I never thought…” She trails off, like she doesn’t know how to express her thoughts.
I cup her face and lower mine until our lips are only a breath apart. “No, you haven’t. You’ve been grieving, and that looks different for everyone.”
Bursting into tears, she presses her lips to mine, and I fucking love the moment it creates between us. While there’s no denying I’ve missed her body, it’s her personality I’ve missed most of all. Her sharp mind, sassy mouth, witty comebacks, and, above all else, her ability to love us all in a way that makes it possible for us to feel as special as she proclaims us to be. Without Nereid, we’re alive, but we need her to breathe life into our lives to live.
“I’ve missed you,” I whisper, needing her to know how intolerable life is without her.
Sure, she’s been right here. Physically, she never went anywhere, but mentally she was far, far away. We all knew she was locked in a personal hell, a place where we couldn’t reach her—one she had to bring herself back from.
The evidence of her struggle is all too clear in the way she looks. Her now short hair is hanging lifeless around her face that’s gotten hollow because of the weight she’s lost. Despite her assurances to the contrary, Nereid’s barely been eating—and only grudgingly so when we’ve remained here until she ate some of the food we brought her.
“You need to come back to us, Nereid. We’re nothing without you.” When she tries to recoil from the roughness of my voice, I don’t let her. “No. You’ve had your time. No more. It’s time you come back.”
Confusion dances in the depth of her eyes when she answers. “I’m right here, Kai. I never left.”
Shaking my head, I give her a sad smile. “If only that were true.” She’s technically right. Unlike in the past, Nereid hasn’t shut us out. She’s just… been lost in her grief. “You know what I mean, Cia. You haven’t been with us, not really. We know you’ve done your best, just as we know that losing a child isn’t easy to get over. No one is expecting miracles. But you know better than most that time doesn’t stand still no matter how much we wish it were so.”
“I know,” she weakly admits. “I’ve let everyone down.”
If there’s one thing I know my wife doesn’t appreciate, it’s pretty lies. Luckily, there isn’t any need for any. “You haven’t let anyone down, and you might as well banish those thoughts right away,” I say sternly.
God, she really is beautiful. Even when she’s a mess—especially when she’s a raw mess only we get to see.
I kiss the tip of her nose, a sweet moment before poking the former dragon. “Biologically, one of us lost our kid as well. But not a single one of us cares about who. We’re a family, Cia. We all lost out, and you don’t have a monopoly on that.”
When her features harden, twisting into anger, I want to smile in victory. And fuck if it doesn’t make me happy to see something other than sadness and despair on her face.
“You think I don’t know that?” she hisses venomously. “I keep picturing a little boy or girl with all your different hair, smile, eyes, even your individual mannerisms. But I… I can’t get over the betrayal of not knowing my implant was removed.” Nereid lets out a shrill laugh as she runs a finger over the place on her arm where the implant used to be. “Well, removed and replaced with a fake.”
