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He shook his head. “He’s just very…conventional, you know? He was always so proud when I loved what he loved. That’s why I played hockey. And he—” His voice caught and my eyes flooded with tears. “He used to talk about how to be a good husband to your wife and father to your kids, and I…I never wanted that.”
My brother’s pain was palpable, and all I wanted was to take it away. I couldn’t, though. What he needed was for me to listen, not try to convince him his fears were unfounded.
“I can’t speak for Dad, but what I want is for you to be happy. It hurts my heart that you’ve been carrying this around and feeling shame for so long.”
He hung his head. “The first time I got high was after I kissed a guy for the first time. I was…horrified, I guess, and I just needed to make it go away.”
“Oh, Luke.”
If only I’d known. If only I could have been there for him.
“Our conversation back in the apartment made me put some things in perspective,” he said. “If I’m always in crisis, always running from people I owe money to and getting high, I never have to…face who I am.”
I got to my knees on the ground in front of him and took his hands. “I love who you are. I adore who you are. I wouldn’t change a thing about you. Not a single thing.”
He nodded. “Thanks, Elle.”
A shaky sob escaped from his throat. “God, that…that was the first time I ever said it out loud.”
I smiled encouragingly. “Say it again.”
He swallowed hard. “I’m gay.”
“And I’m proud of you.”
He put his head in his hands. “I have to go to rehab. It’s fucking terrifying. I’ll have to talk about it with people I don’t even know.”
“I’d sit beside you if I could.”
He looked at me and smiled. “I know you would. The way you’ve stood by me means more than I can say. I want to do the same for you, and I have to get right with myself to do that.”
“You can do this.”
He stood. “Let’s walk.”
We strolled down the path, side by side, greeting someone walking a Great Dane. After a couple of minutes, Luke looked over at me.
“You know, if I’m willing to face my fears by going to rehab, you need to consider how easy it would be to face yours.”
“Easy?” I asked, scoffing.
“Yeah. How about if you go to rehab and all I have to do is fall for a hot, successful pro athlete?”
I laughed. “Well, when you put it like that…”
“He’s a good guy. Let go of the excuses and enjoy it.”
He was right, but it was hard for me to say it out loud. This thing with Ford was scary as hell because it was different from my relationships with other men. Ford was a gentleman who had told me up-front that he liked me instead of playing games. He’d asked for a commitment immediately. He was proud of me even when it was hard. In short, he was a real, grown-ass man and I’d never been with one of those before.
Once I cut through how terrifying that was, it was actually pretty amazing.
“I’ll call Gram in the morning and tell her I’m ready for rehab,” Luke said.
My heart swelled with hope and happiness. “She’s going to be so happy.”
“I miss her.”
“She misses you, too.”
