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“Right.” Paul stepped forward, his voice echoing throughout the gym as he clapped his hands in order to gain everyone’s attention. “O’Grady here is going to train you.Allof you will do this session of basic training where we will grade you in terms of your existing skill level. For those who have a bit more experience with defensive training, we will be moving you out into different sections of the basement.”
I was almost impressed with Paul.Almost. Because he hadn’t fucked up the speech I had given him. His terms were met with muttering - some in consent, some questioning the necessity of such an exercise. If Paul had been a true leader, he would have squashed the muttering instantly, instead, he stepped back against the mirrored wall like the withering worm he was, and I saw it for what it was. This was where I stepped in and actuallydidthe training. I took in the rows of Society members - each outfitted to perfection as if they were about to do a Peloton class. Fucking hell.
I started them on stamina, forcing them each to jump on the spot for an extended period of time because, the truth was, it didn’t matter how good you were at throwing a punch, if you didn’t have the stamina to sustain the fight, you would inevitably lose. I marched between the rows as they jumped and hopped until, finally, I ordered a set of pushups. The pretty brunette next to Raquel struggled, her arms shaking with her weight, but I didn’t let up -couldn’t. Instead, I made mental notes of each person’s limitations, categorizing them as I would any other military assignment. And that’s when I saw her - the girl from the rooftop - Paul Mae’s fiancée -Madi. She was in the back row, following the motions of pushups. Her arms shook as a piece of her hair slid forward into her face. She wasn’t very good atthis, and, yet, something about the scowl on her face spoke of determination and will. She was stilltrying.
The thought reverberated through me because something about seeing her here - in this setting - made meangry-angrierthan usual. Because she had no business being here - this girl who snuck away to read textbooks on the rooftop at night - the one who refused my cigarettes and spluttered on my liquor - the one whoblushedat any hint of inappropriateness on my part, and I was plenty inappropriate. She didn’tbelonghere - amongst these thieves and snakes - the takers of the world - and even that thought wasn’t enough because I was struck with the notion to pick her up andrunaway - tohideher -protecther from all the ugliness of The Society.
It was a ridiculous - dangerous - ludicrous thought, one I had no businessthinkingbecause she belonged to Paul Mae, and while she maylookinnocent, she was still part of The Society - still one ofthem.
Paul mimicked my movements, walking through the rows of members as they followed my instruction. Fuck knew why he even bothered - it wasn’t like he could adjust their posture or give them any sort of helpful advice. And just when I thought I couldn’t hate the fucker more, he walked towardsher. Crouching down to her, he whispered something in her ear - something that made her body rigid and her posture fold in on itself - something that had her turning her inquisitive gaze up towards him in confusion. He said something else, and I watched the crease form on her forehead, the one that told me she wasn’t happy with this outcome - whateverthisoutcome was. His hand shot out, brushing the tendril of hair from her face, sweeping it behind her ear, and, still, she looked at him in utter uncertainty. He offered her a hand, and, still, I stood there, my own posture rigid as I watched hertake it, allowing him to pull her up. She wastinynext to him - timid anddelicate, and, yet, where I thought she may be frightened, instead, she lookedperplexed, as if she truly didn’t understand thewhyof what was happening. And then, without offering any explanation, she suddenly turned on her heel and left the gym - leaving me and Paul to our instructions, walking away from combat training entirely.
He made her leave. And, suddenly, my thoughts from earlier seemed ludicrous - because while I had - for a moment - wanted to scoop her up and protect her, I also wanted her to be able to protect herself. No one ever said I wasn’t a hypocrite.
I forced myself back into the present - the one where I had a class to run and combat training to oversee. Ignoring her retreating figure, I turned back towards the group, showing them a new stance and three punch combo. I threw myself into the task at hand, adjusting stances and recommending shift changes as I barked the order, “One-One-Two.” They followed surprisingly well. The brunette stationed next to Raquel was doing the motion all wrong, and as I stationed myself behind her, placing my hands on her hips in order to widen her stance, I watched Ajax in the mirror - watched the way The Society’s golden boy couldn’t take his eyes off of her.Aria. That was her name. She was pretty, but she seemed high maintenance. I took in the tightening of Ajax’s jaw as he watched me maneuver Aria - he didn’t want metouchingher. Which only made me want to touch her more. I revelled in walking the fine line between pissing his kind off and not getting myself fucking murdered. I loosened my grip, walking her through the punching motions once more. “You’re too tense.” I spoke on autopilot, my mind drifting back to Madi and the way she had seemed disappointed to not be able tostay. “You need to loosen up a bit for any of these exercises to be effective.” I watched her follow through with the punching motion, taking note of the all-seeing eye tattoo printed on her inner wrist. The marker that she was one ofus- someone willing to fight against this hellish Institution. Only, she didn’t look like much of a fighter. My guidance seemed to be enough to get her on the right path, and before I knew it, she was punching correctly, leaving me to move the fuck on. Ajax might act the role of golden boy, but he was a brawler through and through. Too hot-headed to know when to quit, with not enough experience to determine when to continue.
Once I had moved away, the two women started chatting almost immediately. What the fuck was Raquel thinking? Didn’t she know that we were beingwatched? She should have known better than anyone - afterall, she was the ring girl to this entire fucking operation.
“Less talking ladies,” Paul barked the command, and it was truly pathetic that that was all he had to add to this class. But if Aria was working with Raquel and Nats, then I needed to take some of the heat off of them - we couldn’t afford to have them watched or monitoredtooclosely.
I finished up the class, dismissing them entirely as I made my way towards the ring. Seemed that I needed to play the role of hot-head today, and Ajax was frothing at the mouth for a fight. He was such a typical Society boy - he didn’t want to play with his toy, but he didn’t want anyone else to touch her, either. I was so goddamn sick of these milk-drinking Society babies posturing as men.
Learning how to throw a punch was one thing, but learning how to take one was an entirely different matter. The military taught you both, and, so, when Ajax laid into me, I didn’t fight it, forcing myself to go down hard. Let him think he’d won. Raquel and Aria turned to glance back at me as I hit the floor, and all I could do was nod my head in acknowledgement.I have your back. It might have been the stupidest thing I’d done so far, only time would tell.
CHAPTER TWELVE: EXPECTATIONS
MADILYN
Dismissed. That’s what Paul had done. He’d dismissed me, whispering that I didn’tneedto follow through with combat training because I washis, andhewouldprotect me. But even the thought of him protecting me left me feeling…hollow. As if I was somehow failing at protecting myself before a real threat was even apparent. The other girls had stayed - had completed the class, but not me - another notch against me and my abilities, and I couldn’t help but feel overcome withdefeat. I had nowhere to go - no other classes to attend for the day. In fact, the only thing in my schedule was lunch in the cafeteria, but, suddenly, sitting there alone in a sea full of people with nothing but my book for company didn’t seem so appealing. My time seemed better spent in the library - at least, there, the books didn’t judge me - didn’t find mewanting.
I stopped past the apartment, packing myself a snack before heading up to the library, and as soon as I walked through the doors that housed all those books, the knot of anxiety that seemed to have found a permanent home in my solar plexus somehow dissipated. The clamminess in my hands didn’t feel quite so overwhelming - the stress and headache that dragged me down with the disappointment of others fled from the vicinity because, here, I wassafe.
I walked through the rows of bookshelves towering all the way up to the ceiling, each area fitted with a rolling ladder. It was the kind of library that dreams were made of, and the sheer height of the shelving meant that it was filled with shadows and dark corners - a perfect place for someone like me tohide- toescape- tobreathe. I felt like a dog seeking shelter, eventually choosing a corner that wasn’t all shadow, but it wasn’t all light, either - it was a bit of both. I sat with my back flush against the wall, allowing my mind to spiral downwards into the pages of a book while I ate my lunch. It was the epitome of peace and calm - exactly what I needed. It didn’t take long to forget the outside world - to ignore the implication that Paul had found me somehow defective. Although, even that was questionable, considering he had hardly spent anytime with me.
But, then, he worked a lot. He was carving out his place in The Society for both himself and for us.My mother’s voice echoed through my mind, reminding me of my duty - duty to my family and duty to The Society itself. And, for a moment, I paused reading my textbook at hand because perhaps my time would be better put to use reading books about childhood development and parenting techniques? Perhaps I should be reading and researching various home first aid techniques - afterall, weren’t those the kinds of things a mother should know? Briefly, I wondered if my own mother had prepared herself for me in the same way, but just as quickly as the thought rose, so I quelled it because I knew it to be untrue.
Pushing those thoughts from my mind, I sank back into my textbook, refusing to be side-tracked by the prospect of motherhood and all the preparation that needed to be done for such a task. It was silly to be preparing for such a thing when Paul had shown no sexual interest in me whatsoever.
And just thinking about Paul and ourarrangementhad me thinking about daddy and how since I’d been here, he hadn’t called. I had sent him a few messages, to which he had replied, but there was no pride in his tone - no enthusiasm when he responded, it was just more of the same that I had grown up with -remember your duty - do what is expected of you - don’t fail the family. If the Montgomery’s had a motto, that would be it.
I ate and read, allowing the words to wrap themselves around me, the knowledge they held like a soft shawl warming my shoulders - a balm to my previous panic and feelings of inadequacy. Time had no meaning here - not really - not when there was nothing waiting for me at the apartment. Paul would undoubtedly work late, and I would make dinner for one.
No. The company of books seemed far more appealing. The flicker of a memory - the way O’Grady had departed with our next suggested meeting as his parting shot - only it wasn’t a suggestion. While I lost myself in the words before me, I forced my thoughtsawayfrom O’Grady. I hadn't yet made up my mind if I would see him again, which was ludicrous, really, considering the fact that Tuesday was the next day. I didn’t want to remember the way he had grinned down at me - almost taunting. He didn’t treat me like some Society Princess, if anything, my social standing seemed to be met withdisdain. It was refreshing, and it made me want to bury myself into his thoughts simply so I could study them. But as much as I enjoyed the memory of O'Grady - of how brash and abrasive he was, I didn’t want my mind to linger on the idea of him. I didn’t want tothink- toanalyze- toconsider. I simply wanted tobe.
The sun had already set by the time I made my way downstairs, back to the apartment. If anyone else had been present in the library, I hadn’t seen them - too engrossed in the knowledge at hand. I opened the door to the apartment, already running through a list of quick and easy dinner options in my mind, as I came face-to-face with Paul.
“Where have you been?” His voice was calm, but there was something in that calmness that made mefrightened- made me think that Paul mighthurtme.
And what a silly, ludicrous thought that was.
“At the library,” I answered honestly, my voice slightly breathless as I spoke. Paul didn’t move out of the way - he didn’t side-step to make space for me to walk - he didn’t laugh off my statement, racking it up to me forgetting the time and staying in the library past dark. No. Paul simply stood there, unmoving, staring down at me as if he were waiting to see what else I would say.
“I was expecting to find youhere.” Hesniffedthe words, offended. The implication was there - he had been waitingfor me. “I’m sorry,” I excused, “I wasn’t aware that you wanted to….” I fumbled for the word. Wanted towhat? Have dinner together? Watch a movie? Talk? I honestly had no idea what Paul had in mind for tonight.
“It’s not so unusual that a man should want to spend time with hisfiancée.” He snapped the words at me, telling me everything I needed to know - I had offended him further. I swallowed, shifting on my feet, unsure what to say to remedy the situation. I was terrible at social interactions at the best of times, but in moments of conflict, I was even worse. It was as if conflict switched on my fight-or-flight reflex, only the fight part seemed to bebroken.
“Honestly, Madilyn, you and I are supposed to be getting married - we’re to havechildren. Do you even understand the weight of that responsibility?”
If I were more lucid, I may have snorted - laughed - called him out on the fact that I spent most nights in this apartment,alone. But I did none of those things, instead, I simply swallowed, staring up at him as he closed the small gap of distance between us, fighting the urge to retreat. Girls weren’t supposed to run away from the men they were engaged to.Inhale. Exhale.
