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There are so many things I need and want to say to you but they all come out sounding inadequate. Saying I am sorry is not enough. I know that. Saying I am a blithering idiot is not enough. We both know that. I am a fool. A fool that has spent the entire day heartbroken over what I have done to you.
You, my dear Katya, deserve the world. You deserve better than me, but it is my deepest hope that somehow you will find it in your heart to grant me another chance. I know I don’t deserve it, but desperate men do desperate things and I am desperate for you.
Please accept these flowers and dress as an apology and a token of my deep affection for you. I would be honored if you would do me the honor of agreeing to attend a gala event with me this Friday. I know my words have been short as I stumble over the right ones to say, so I will end by letting an excerpt from the words of the poem “I Am Sorry” by Leon Weate say what I cannot.
Yours,
Zane
“I scream at myself at how stupid I am
For risking your love, for risking your hand,
And I pray every day that you never see
That I need you more than you need me.
I bare my heart and my soul to you
To say sorry for what I did and for what I do.
I have no excuses and hide no more.
All I can offer is my love for evermore.”
I sat on the couch and cried at the hauntingly beautiful words Zane had written. I’d never read that poem before, so I looked it up on the Internet and read the entire thing, just to let the full beauty of it wash over me. I was overwhelmed. Finally, I pulled myself off the couch to open the box. Inside, I found the most devastatingly gorgeous sapphire blue dress. It even had shoes to match. I had absolutely no idea how he knew my dress or shoe size but both were perfect.
Luca saw it and said it looked like the dress a Disney princess would wear. I kissed his head and explained it was a gift from a friend and then sent him to his room to play. I needed to call Zane and I needed to do it in private.
I dialed his room and waited but he didn’t answer. I decided he must be bathing Kenlee or putting her to bed, so I waited a few minutes and tried again. When he didn’t answer a second time, I began to grow impatient and decided I couldn’t wait any longer. I called for Luca to come out.
“What is it, Mommy?”
“We need to go to Mr. Zane’s room for a minute so I can tell him something important, okay,” I told him
“Okay!” He scrambled to get his shoes on. “I like Zane.”
Smiling at the love of my life I said, “Me too.”
Most of the time…
My hands were shaking as I knocked on Zane’s door. I didn’t know why I was so nervous but I felt like a schoolgirl about to go on her first date. The thought made me laugh considering I have a child and was definitely not a schoolgirl. Laughing at my own absurdity helped calm me down, but I was still anxious. Zane finally opened the door looking frazzled and tired. I guessed today had been rough on him too. He looked shocked to see me but immediately motioned for me to come in and moved to allow us entry.
He saw Luca and spoke to him first which I appreciated.
“Hi, Luca. How have you been Buddy?” he asked him.
“Hi, Mr. Zane. I am good. Can we go play in the snow again soon?”
“You bet. Maybe this weekend we can all go,” he told him.
Squealing, Luca yelled, “Yea!” before running off to play with some of Kenlee’s toys, which were sprawled out on the living room floor.
Looking at me with hope in his eyes, Zane gently said, “I wasn’t sure I’d hear from you.”
I was not quite ready to address the elephant in the room so I didn’t acknowledge his statement. Instead, I said, “I see you used the lavender diffuser to help get Kenlee to sleep. That’s good.”
“Yes, thank you again for the advice,” he said, shoving his hands in his pockets and looking anywhere but directly into my eyes. I could tell he was nervous too, which made me feel a little more in control of the situation. I liked that. “Did you want to… talk in private?”
