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‘No, that’s all right,’ Liz looked up, clearing her throat. ‘I actually… can’t. Have children. At least, I haven’t been able to so far. I’ve been doing IVF for a couple of years but didn’t have any luck.’ She tried to keep her voice steady, but she couldn’t help it when it wobbled.
‘Oh, no.’ Mina dropped her crochet and turned to Liz, clasping both of her hands around Liz’s. ‘I am so sorry. What a shame for you.’
‘Thanks.’ Liz took a few deep breaths, wanting to keep her emotions under control. ‘Sorry, I really didn’t want to end up talking about this.’
‘And you don’t have to,’ Bess said, calmly. ‘We totally understand if you don’t.’
‘But yer also welcome to talk about anythin’,’ Sheila added. ‘Many’s the time this lot’ve listened to ma woes aboot ma kids. An’ the menopause.’
‘Oh, themenopause,’ Bess and Mina chorused, laughing. ‘Just you wait, Kathy.’
Kathy frowned, and continued on with her crochet.
‘Hey. I’ve got the kid thing to do first, maybe, if I ever find anyone worth doing it with,’ she muttered.
‘Anyway, Liz, what I’m saying is that there’s nothing new you can say we haven’t heard,’ June said, leaning forward in her chair. ‘I know you don’t know us, really. But, over the years, we’ve ended up talking about goodness knows what on our Tuesdays. The girls were here to help me when I lost my husband, two years ago. Bess never wants to talk about her feelings, but I think she likes to be here anyway. She knows she has somewhere to go if she wants to.’
‘That’s fair.’ Bess smiled over at June, who nodded. ‘We’re here for you, Liz. It sounds like you’ve had a pretty hard time recently.’
‘I guess I have.’ Liz heard her voice catch. She thought about the letter from the clinic again, and the overwhelming feelings overtook her again. She started crying. ‘Oh, no. I’m so sorry.’
Tears rolled down her cheeks, and she started sobbing, feeling the weight of her emotions in her heart and her lungs. It felt as if she was drowning as she fought for breath.
She felt a warm hand on her back, solid and present.
‘Ach, pet. Ye poor wee lassie.’ Sheila had come to stand next to her, and her hand made wide, reassuring circles on Liz’s back. ‘Aye, let it oot. Best thing.’
Liz sobbed her heart out, then, finally letting something go inside her. She had been resisting it for so long: she had been fighting to stay in control. But all she’d been doing was damming up her emotions until they were too powerful, and the barrier she’d hidden them behind was breached.
She had lost Paul. She had lost two babies. And she had lost her whole future.
That was how it felt, anyway. And, in a way, the letter from the clinic just made it worse, because it had given a tiny shard of hope again. And hope felt like the absolute worst thing that could have been offered to her right now.
All that loss reverberated and crashed through her body like a storm. She felt as though it was never going to end; it hurt, coming out of her. Her body ached and her heart felt used up and exhausted.I can’t put myself there again,she thought.I just can’t.The thought of building herself up only to lose again was too much.
Yet, as she cried, Liz realised that her heart would never hurt as badly now as it had when Paul had actually left, and on the days when she had lost her two babies. The hurt she had been damming up inside her heart in response to those events needed to be purged – and, now that she was letting it go, she was starting to feel a little lighter.
Of all the places and times that Liz would have liked to express her emotions – not that she was usually a fan of doing it at all – a community centre in rural Scotland with a group of virtual strangers doing crochet, on a Tuesday lunchtime, was pretty far down the list of ideal situations. Yet, here she was, crying in front of five other women she’d only met two weeks ago.
‘I’m so sorry, Liz.’ Kathy handed her a tissue. ‘My friend’s doing IVF now. It’s so tough. You’re a warrior for doing it in the first place.’
‘Ugh. I don’t feel much like a warrior right now,’ Liz mumbled, trying to get herself under some degree of control.
‘Well, you are,’ Bess said, staunchly. ‘I’ve got nothing but respect for you. I couldn’t do it.’
‘Menwouldn’t do it,’ June added. ‘Think of all the things we do that they wouldn’t. Don’t ever think you’re not strong,’ she scolded. ‘It takes strength to do what you’re doing now, too. Experiencing your emotions. Letting them out in front of other people.’
‘June’s right,’ Mina agreed. ‘My husband Sanjay couldn’t run the business and be a mummy at the same time. He’s got no idea of what I do to hold the family together.’
‘Ach, love him, but my Phil’s the same. He cannae put his trousers on without me tellin’ him which leg’s which,’ Sheila added.
Liz laughed, despite herself.
‘Ah, there now. That’s better.’ Sheila patted Liz on the shoulder. ‘I’m goin’ tae get ye another cuppa, hen. An’ then you can tell us whatever you want to get out there. Or nothin’. Whatever ye want, okay?’
‘Okay,’ Liz said, wiping her eyes. Mina pulled up her chair closer to Liz’s and put her arm around Liz’s shoulders.
‘I’m sorry I upset you,’ she said. ‘But I think it was strangely for the best, mmm?’ she asked. ‘Now. My mummy used to say to me, miracles happen often. We just have to look for them, and recognise them when they occur. Your miracle might be a baby, one day. But it might not, and Parvati – that’s the Hindu goddess of fertility – might bless you in another way. I think you will be blessed, one way or another.’ Mina nodded, seriously.
