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He sat back on his heels, still crouching down.
‘I know I did. I wish it had been different. But it just all got to be too much.’ He exhaled, and hung his head.
There it was. The phrase that haunted her.Too much.
Liz’s defences went up. She remembered what Gretchen had said: no good man would ever find a woman like hertoo much.
‘I was too much for you?’ she asked.
‘Maybe. I thought so then.’
‘And now?’
‘I miss you. You were never too much. It was just… life stuff.’
‘Are you telling me you’ve changed your mind? That you want a baby still?’ Liz asked, her heart hammering in her chest. If he said yes, what would she do? She honestly didn’t know. She still wanted a baby, but she didn’t need Paul to have one anymore; in fact, she never did. She could do the sperm donation, if she wanted to.
‘I can’t say that for sure. But I want you.’ He turned his eyes up to meet hers, and she saw the raw emotion in them. ‘Please, Liz. It was never you and me that were the problem. I always wanted you. I still do.’
‘I wanted a baby. I still do,’ she said, carefully. ‘That hasn’t changed. And I’m not willing to be with someone who thinks I’mtoo much. Because I’m not.’
Paul got up and went back to sit opposite her again.
‘I know you’re not.’
Liz let out a long breath.
‘That wasn’t the only thing that was wrong in our relationship. You know that.’ She met his eyes and refused to look away. ‘You were hyper critical of me. You always wanted me to be someone else, just like you saying just now you want me to bake all day like some 1950s housewife. That’s not who I am, Paul. It was never who I was. I don’t know why you kept trying to make me into someone I wasn’t.’
‘I didn’t!’ he protested. ‘All I was ever trying to do was try to get you to relax a bit. It wasn’t healthy for you to work so hard. Everyone needs downtime. Hobbies. That’s all.’ He reached out and touched her arm. ‘And it was always good between us. Physically. You know that.’
‘Yes, it was,’ she said, keeping her voice steady and ignoring the familiar frisson she felt at his touch. ‘But you constantly tried to undermine my work, despite the fact that I explained to you hundreds of times how important it was to me. So, yes, it was good between us, in bed. But that changed for me too, over time, because I didn’t feel like you really liked me anymore. You liked theideaof me. And I do still want a baby. That hasn’t changed, either.’
Liz moved her arm away from his touch. He took his hand back, looking deflated.
‘I thought, since you’ve had a break from everything, youmighthave changed your mind,’ he said, lamely. ‘You changed your job, and I never thought you’d do that. Where do you even work now? Is it as full time as before? You know you worked too hard. You have to admit that. It’s nice to see you looking so rested, honestly.’
‘At the local distillery. And, yes, it is as full time. Did you really think I would change my mind about something so important?’ Liz stared at him, amazed at his apparent forgetfulness. ‘You know what I went through to have a baby. What I was willing to do.’
‘Yeah. I just… I don’t know. Look, I’m not against having a family. But it was the IVF. The strain it put on us. In every way. If I could take you upstairs now and make love to you, and you got pregnant, then I’d be the happiest man in the world. Because I love you.’ He leaned forward, reaching for her hand again. ‘You have to know that. I love you. I always loved you, Liz. And I always will.’
Liz stared at him, feeling like her heart had stopped.
What?Her mind went blank. She hadn’t been expectingI love you.The words were like a wrecking ball. It was almost as if she could see them ripping through her safe little cosy haven in Gretchen’s cottage: vast, iron letters, shaped into a ball, hung on a chain and smashing through the cottage’s thick walls.
‘Liz? Did you hear me?’
She still didn’t say anything, and the moment seemed to stretch out forever. How long had it been since she took a breath? She took in a sudden gulp of air and made herself cough again.
‘Liz. Say something, for god’s sake.’ Paul looked worried. ‘Here. Take a drink.’ He handed her his glass of water.
She took a sip and regained some composure, though her heart felt as though Paul had just danced all over it in his heavy boots.
‘I’m sorry. I just really wasn’t prepared for you to say that,’ she confessed.
‘I understand. I know that it was a bit unexpected. But it’s what I came here to say. So, I’ve said it.’
‘What do you want me to say?’ Liz felt completely blindsided. ‘How do I respond to that? You know that it’s not just a case of taking me upstairs and making love to me.’ She lowered her voice, saying the last part. ‘I wish it was, Paul. I’ve wished it was that easy for the past five years! But it isn’t. And that hasn’t changed.’
