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Oh, hell no.
It had been traumatic, earlier, with Paul. But now, Liz felt annoyed, and it was something connected to the fact that she had trusted Ben to be a good guy, and now that she knew he had something less than exemplary in his past, she felt betrayed.Are there no good men at all?she wondered.
‘You know what? I’ve had enough. I’ll see you in the office on Monday. Or, maybe I won’t, seeing as you seem to disappear as and when you want to, these days.’ She stormed out before Ben had a chance to respond, grabbing her coat from the rack by the door. ‘Thanks, Sally. Bess,’ she added.
So much for a pleasant work party,she thought.I should have just stayed at home.
TWENTY-EIGHT
Liz was in Ben’s office, having their weekly catch up, but her mind was somewhere else.
Since the launch party – where, fortunately, no one apart from Sally, Bess and Ben seemed to have noticed what happened with Paul – she’d been thinking more and more about sperm donation. She kept taking the leaflet from the fertility clinic out of her handbag and reading it, thinking about making an appointment at the clinic to talk it through, and then folding up the leaflet and putting it away again.
This morning, she was thinking that she should call the clinic and make an appointment. She didn’t have to commit to anything, but it would be good to just go along and find out more.
It’s definitely not going to happen with Paul. So, if you want a baby, this is it, she thought to herself.Surely if you want it as much as you think you do, you should make the call. All that hard work shouldn’t be for nothing.
‘What?’ She looked up from where she’d been doodling on her notepad. ‘Sorry. Can you say that again?’
‘I was just telling you that we’ve been given a prime slot on the National Beverages Conference agenda this year to present Old Maids ahead of launch. Did you even hear me say that?’ Ben frowned.
‘Sorry. I was somewhere else.’ She made herself focus. ‘We’ve been asked to present? That’s great!’
‘Yeah. I mean, that’s going to be up to you, pretty much, if that’s okay. Obviously, I’ll come and deliver the presentation with you. But it’s your baby.’
‘My baby?’ Liz felt a slight discomfort at the phrase, though she knew Ben didn’t mean anything by it.
‘Yes. I mean, as Sales Director, you’ll need to write and make the presentation. Old Maids is your concept. And you know how to do these things. The kind of top line stuff people want to hear.’ Ben gave her an odd look.
‘Oh. Right. Yes.’ She nodded, realising she was just jumping at shadows.
‘Liz. I realise we haven’t known each other very long. But if you have a problem with me, I want you to know you can tell me.’ Ben tapped his pen on the desk, then stopped, obviously realising it was irritating. ‘And, if this is about what happened at the party… I’m sorry about that. I wasn’t being rude. Or, at least, I didn’t intend to. If I offended you, I’m sorry.’
‘It’s not the party.’ The evening had played on Liz’s mind since it happened, but she was at least glad she’d come to some closure with Paul. He’d texted her a few times since, but she hadn’t replied. She knew it was for the best.
Now, at least, she could look ahead. But, now, she had the new quandary of following her fertility dream, or leaving it forever. It should have been an easy decision, but somehow, it wasn’t. And that was killing her.
Was it just the idea of being a single parent? She didn’t know. She wasn’t opposed to being one, though the ideal would have been to have a baby with a loving partner. She could still win the baby game show; she didn’t need a partner, necessarily. The prize had always been a child.
It was just… scary, she thought. Unknown territory. And she’d been enjoying her job and her new life and not thinking about getting pregnant for the first time in what felt like forever.
‘What is it, then?’ Ben leaned forward, his voice soft. ‘It’s not like you to be so distracted. I can tell something’s wrong.’
Liz felt tears welling up in her eyes unexpectedly at Ben’s kindness. It was always when people were kind that this happened. She thought she would have preferred Ben to be harsh or tell her off for not listening, almost.
‘I’m sorry. Nothing’s really wrong.’ She wiped her eyes. ‘Just… I don’t know. Stressful things.’
‘It’s clearly not nothing,’ Ben replied, still softly. ‘You can talk to me, you know.’ He reached out and touched her arm, and she stiffened. His touch did things to her, but she was too confused and distracted to want that, right now. She pulled her arm away.
‘I don’t want to talk to you about it.’ Liz sniffed, blowing her nose. This was the man who left his own pregnant wife, after all. As much as Ben’s kindness touched her, she couldn’t forget that. How could she trust a man like that with her own problems around fertility, or indeed anything personal? What would he be able to tell her that wasn’t tinged with his own bad behaviour? His betrayal of that poor woman?
‘Sorry. I shouldn’t have…’ he stammered, and looked away.
‘It doesn’t matter. Let’s just focus on work, okay?’ She fought to get her voice under control. ‘Let’s talk about the conference presentation.’
‘Well, if you’re sure. But I’m here if you need me.’ Ben looked uncomfortable.
You often aren’t here, actually, she thought, but she didn’t say it. If she was honest, Liz thought that Ben’s disappearances were him not-so-subtly removing himself from the business. He was probably off playing golf or something; he’d made it more than clear that he never wanted to be CEO. Which was fine: he could quit at any time. But, as long as he was head of the company, then he had responsibilities – not least supporting Liz in the launch of the Old Maids campaign.
