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‘I’m sorry to hear that. So, when she died…?’ There was a question in Gretchen’s voice that Carrie didn’t want to answer.When she died, had it come between you? Were you angry with Claire for being with him? Did she die without you telling her you were sorry?
‘None of that matters now.’ Carrie gave Gretchen a bright smile, the tone in her voice indicating that she didn’t want to talk about it anymore. She didn’t. It was too raw. ‘She’s gone, and I miss her every day.’
‘I know, dear. Loss takes a long time to ease,’ Gretchen sighed. ‘I lost my daughter Stella not so long ago. It’s been a difficult adjustment. You don’t expect your child to go before you.’
‘Oh, no. I’m so sorry, Gretchen.’ Carrie, shocked, took Gretchen’s hand. ‘How old was she?’
‘She was fifty. It was also a car accident.’ Gretchen clicked her tongue. ‘She had an extreme nut allergy, and the doctors said that she must have accidentally eaten something containing nuts when she was driving. I mean, she would never have eaten anything with nuts in, if she’d known. She went into sudden anaphylactic shock, and there was an impact with another car. They were fine. She died almost immediately, they told me.’ Gretchen sounded as though she had recounted this story many times now, but Carrie could tell that the pain of telling it hadn’t receded.
‘I’m so, so sorry, Gretchen,’ Carrie said, quietly. ‘When it happens so out of the blue like that… it’s just so hard to take in. One minute they’re there; the next, they’re gone. You don’t get to say goodbye. It’s kind of… surreal.’
‘Yes, I know. It’s an unusual and terrible thing, like a tsunami that rips your life apart, just like that.’ Gretchen snapped her fingers. ‘Life is never the same after, but I can tell you, it does get better with time.’
‘I hope so. What was she like? Stella?’ Carrie asked.
‘Beautiful. She was always beautiful. I adopted her when she was two. Never any trouble. She went to full-time day-care when she was little, because I was working. We lived in Edinburgh then, and then we moved back to the cottage when she started school. I had a nanny come and pick her up from school, make her dinner and all that, and I’d always be back by six-thirty. I made sure I put her to bed every night.’ Gretchen smiled at the memory. ‘We read so many books. I was definite that I was going to instil a love of books in her, and I did. She grew up to be a librarian.’
‘She sounds great.’ Carrie held Gretchen’s hand tightly. ‘I’m so sorry you lost her.’
‘I had her for forty-eight years.’ Gretchen let out a long sigh. ‘Longer than you had your sister. I was lucky.’
‘I suppose so, when you look at it like that. I guess I was lucky to have Claire for thirty-five years.’
‘Exactly. That’s how you’ve got to think about it.’ Gretchen gave her a brave smile. ‘You’ll be all right, my dear. You’ve survived the tsunami. Now, she’d want you to live.’
‘But what if I don’t want to live without her?’ Carrie said, in a low voice. ‘What if… I don’t know how?’
‘You have to live, Carrie. Your sister didn’t get to do all the things that she wanted to, probably. So, you have to. For her. All right?’ Gretchen reached over, put her fingers under Carrie’s chin and tilted it a little. ‘Chin up, okay? You’ll get there. I promise. One day, you’ll wake up and it won’t feel like all you want to do is hide under the covers.’
‘I can’t imagine that day coming,’ Carrie confessed.
‘It’ll come, dear. I promise.’ Gretchen smiled.
And, for a moment, Carrie thought,Maybe it will.
ELEVEN
‘That was the last cover. Well done.’ Rory popped his head around the kitchen door.
Carrie was stacking plates in the dishwasher and running some more hot water into the stainless-steel sink, ready to wash a pile of wine glasses. ‘Thanks.’ She looked up and pushed her fringe out of her eyes.
Rory disappeared for a minute and Carrie could hear the sound of him saying goodnight to the final customers, and then the restaurant door closing. She started the dishwasher, then started washing the glasses.
It had been a busy night, and keeping up with Rory and Kathy, the waitress, was a challenge. Kathy was a PhD student who waitressed at the restaurant for extra money. When they’d met, Carrie had liked her immediately: her hair was dyed black on one side of her head and shocking pink on the other, separated by a poker-straight parting down the middle. Her fringe was black, and though she wore a smart white shirt and black skirt to work in the restaurant, her various ear piercings were still visible, as was a tattoo of a tiger on her wrist. It wasn’t Carrie’s style, but she liked it, and she liked Kathy, who was smart and funny and easy to get along with.
Kathy took the orders and looked after the customers, Rory was the chef and did a little front-of-house too, and Carrie was strictly in the kitchen. At just before six in the evening, she arrived at the restaurant and Rory talked her and Kathy through the menu, explaining the provenance of all the ingredients, how each dish was made and any other details he thought they should know. Then, they all had dinner – tonight it had been an aromatic duck curry and jasmine rice that was so delicious Carrie had had seconds and still wanted to lick the plate clean. She had restrained herself, however.
‘Wow, I’m hungry again.’ Rory pushed through the kitchen door and grinned at Carrie.
She had to admit that he looked very handsome in his chef’s whites. He had undone some of the poppers of the top portion and she could see just a little dark chest hair peeking out. She looked away, feeling a little warm.
It’s a kitchen. It’s going to be hot,she rationalised to herself, tying her hair up in a little bunch at the back.No other reason apart from ovens being on all the damn time.
‘You are?’ Carrie realised she hadn’t replied. ‘Huh. I guess I am too, actually.’
Her stomach rumbled, as if to agree, and they both laughed.
‘Hmm. What do we have left?’ Rory looked into the fridge. ‘Ah. Mac and cheese. That just needs warming through and a blast under a hot grill. Up for it?’
