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Something fell from the book onto the floor. It had hardly made a sound, but Carrie was still holding the book and she felt something dislodge from the pages. Frowning, she bent to pick up the paper that had fallen out. She fanned the pages of the book open again and looked between them carefully, but there was nothing else loose inside it. Just this one thing.
A photo.
She turned it over and looked at it carefully. ‘Huh?’ Her eyes widened and she showed it to Rory. ‘This might answer some of our questions, maybe.’
It was a sepia-toned picture of the kind from a long time ago: a posed image, featuring a little boy in a sailor suit sitting on a chair. His decidedly sulky expression reflected the likelihood that he was probably being told to sit still, or else.
Carrie turned the photo over. On the back, someone had writtenL, 1960but nothing more.
‘Look! 1960. That’s a couple of years after these entries.’ She passed the photo to Rory.
‘It must be the kid. Her child.’ Rory studied the picture. ‘Has to be.’
‘It would have to be more than a coincidence – that she’s writing about being pregnant, and there’s a picture of a baby,’ Carrie admitted. ‘So, she had the baby. It looks that way, anyway.’
‘Yeah. But you didn’t know him when you used to visit; he wasn’t here. So, what happened to him?’
‘I don’t know,’ Carrie mused. ‘I never knew Maud had a child. She never said anything to us, and there was no one else living with her.’
‘Bit of a mystery, then.’ Rory handed back the photo.
‘I mean, I suppose, given the circumstances, there would have been a local scandal if people knew Maud and William had had a baby together, given that he was already married, with kids. And that his wife was sick. People would gossip now, never mind in the sixties.’
‘Yeah. So maybe she gave him away to be adopted or something.’ Rory shrugged. ‘I mean, I’m not an expert in this kind of stuff. But that seems like something that could have happened, right?’
‘Yes. It definitely could have.’ Carrie stared at the picture again. ‘If he was born in 1959 – she got pregnant in 1958 – he’d only be, what? In his sixties, still?’ She looked up, hopefully, at Rory. ‘He’d be my… what would he be?’
‘Your first cousin, once removed? He would have been your mum’s cousin. I think that’s right.’ Rory closed his eyes for a minute, working it out. ‘Yeah. I’m pretty sure that’s it.’
‘Well, he would be… family, anyway…’ Carrie trailed off. ‘And he might be alive, still.’
‘But if he was adopted, he probably isn’t in Loch Cameron anymore,’ Rory said. ‘I mean, it stands to reason.’
The realisation that she might have a family member she never knew she’d had, alive, somewhere, was like a hammer blow to Carrie’s heart. She didn’t know what to make of the idea. When she’d lost Claire, she’d lost everything. Her mum was already gone, her dad might as well have been for all the contact he had with either of the girls, Maud had gone, and there was no one else. Carrie had been mourning Claire, but she’d also been mourning the loss of all her family.
With Claire gone, she felt as though her tether to the real world had finally broken. There was nothing and no one keeping her attached to reality. That was partly why she’d come to Loch Cameron: it was a place that held memories, and she could attempt to tether herself to those. And, at the same time, it was a place where she could lose herself, a place where she could hide from reality.
She had been slowly recovering, day by day, with the choir and the fresh air and long walks that made her feel more centred and whole. But now, she felt completely adrift again. Maud had had this whole life Carrie had never known about, and now it looked like Carrie might still have some living family somewhere.
But instead of feeling excited, it made her feel unsettled.They lied to us. To me, she thought.Maud lied about her baby. We never knew.
Dad had prevented her and Claire from visiting Maud once their mother had died.We could have had family.We could have not felt so damn alone, she thought, ashamed of the tears that sprang to her throat.
‘Carrie? You okay?’ Rory laid his hand on her arm.
‘I’m all right.’ She cleared her throat and took a deep breath, steadying her emotions. ‘It’s just… a lot. I thought about my family in a certain way, and now… I don’t know. I feel like I don’t know anything anymore. Everything’s moving, shifting under me.’
‘I’m sorry. I can see that would be upsetting,’ Rory said, carefully.
Carrie was aware that she hadn’t told Rory about Claire, and the knowledge hung uncomfortably in her mind. Part of her wanted to unburden herself to him, but she couldn’t quite bring herself to do it. ‘I’d better go home,’ she said instead, and picked up the diary. ‘See you tomorrow, then.’
‘Oh… sure.’ Rory looked surprised.
Carrie knew it was sudden, that she was leaving a little dramatically, but she couldn’t stay. If she stayed, she would have to talk about Claire, and she didn’t want to. Couldn’t.
She bundled on her new black mac and picked up her bag. ‘Okay. Night, then,’ she said, awkwardly. ‘Thanks for the dessert.’
‘Anytime.’ Rory’s voice was low; was there an urgency there, or was she imagining it? ‘See you tomorrow, Carrie.’
