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“Beau!” she shrieks. “Putme down.”
Isuddenly realize my fingers have tightened into fists and my heart is hammering against my rib cage.Theylook like a fucking couple having fun together.Shae’slaughing and breathless, andBeaulooks happy.He’sa naturally cheerful person, sure, but right now, the light in his eyes glows extra bright.
Jealousybubbles up in my chest, and each breath is getting harder to take.Withouta word,Iturn and pull myself out of the water.Ineed a minute to get my head on fucking straight.Mypriorities are all over the place.IoweBeauso fucking much, and instead of appreciating my cousin,I’mresenting him for his close relationship withShae.Arelationship that began long beforeIturned up.
Backin our cabana,Igrab my towel and dry off.ThenIcollapse on a lounger.Istill have my sunglasses on, soIcontent myself with watchingShaeas she andBeauhorse around in the water whileItalk myself down.I’moverreacting.Nothing’schanged betweenShaeandBeau.Thisis the way they’ve always been.It’sme who’s changed.
BeforeShaecame to stay with us, there was no doubtIloved my life.Myband and my bandmates, the music, andBeauand my aunt.IlovedShaetoo.Inthe only wayIallowed myself to.IthoughtIhad everythingIever wanted.Butinexplicably, there was a hole in my life.AholeItried to fill with the partying and the endless casual hookups that come with being a rock star.NowthatI’vehadShae, it’s clear she’s whatI’vebeen missing.
Justseeing her in our apartment makes me smile.Icrave her soothing presence, the way she looks at me, the softness of her touch.EventhoughIcan’t wake up with her in my bed, when we can steal a few hours together at night,Ilove falling asleep with her scent on me.ButIwant more.Needmore.Ineed to fall asleep every night with her curled against me.Wrapmy arms around her in public.Kissher.Showthe world she’s mine andI’mhers.
ButIcan’t.
Myconcerns aboutBeauhave made her nervous too.Iwant more than anything to reassure her that it’ll be fine.Butthe truth is,Ican’t say for sure that it will be.Andit’s the stranglehold of that uncertainty that holds me back.
Afew minutes later,Shaegets out of the pool and joins me.
Shepicks up her towel and dries herself off, giving me her sweet smile. “Iseverything okay?Youdidn’t stay in long.”
“Yeah.I’vejust been thinking.”
Shepauses, her towel still pressed to one arm. “About?”
Ihate that the tensionIhear in the question is because she’s not certain about us.Andthat’s my goddamn fault.Ihaven’t given her any reason to be.Sheprobably thinksI’vebeen having second thoughts.
Ilower my voice. “Abouthow we get to spend the whole night together again.AndeverythingIplan to do to you.”
Thetension visibly flows from her.Hershoulders relax and her lips part while her eyes go soft and dreamy.Myheart expands in my chest.
Ican’t let her go.
Ican’t.
I’mjust not sure she’s ever really been mine to keep.
ChapterTwenty-Three
Shae
Theguys are laughingand joking in the back of the limo as the six of us head to dinner.They’reobviously feeling the adrenaline in anticipation of their performance tomorrow.Ilove seeingDevonandBeaulit up like this.Watchingthem live their dream has become one of my favorite pastimes.Insteadof making me feel ashamed of my life like it used to, it’s inspiring me.
Remindingme that it’s not too late for me to live mine.
I’vebeen painting again, spending my spare time in the art room.Thespark thatIworried might have died has flared back to life, as if this thing happening betweenDevonand me is fanning the flame.I’mfinding inspiration everywhereIlook.I’vebeen working on my portrait of him as well.Usually, only whenI’mhome alone, sinceIdon’t want anyone else to catch a glimpse of it.It’smuch better than it was, but it still doesn’t feel finished.That’sokay, because that painting’s just for me, an expression of howIfeel about him.
Butas much asIlove being withDevon,I’malso terrified.
He’skeeping me a secret fromBeau.Fromeveryone, really, exceptMick.Iget thatBeaumight be upset, that he might worry.Butsurely he’d be happy for us too?
Devon’sso damn skittish about it, though.Apart of me—the part that still remembers the pain of discovering he didn’t really want to kiss me on that beach nine years ago—can’t help but worry that one day soon,I’llfind out that this happiness is just an illusion.AlieI’mtelling myself soIdon’t have to face the truth.
I’mdetermined not to let myself worry about that now, though.Thisweekend,Iget to hang out with my friends and watch them play live to an audience of tens of thousands.Afterdinner tonight, we’re supposed to hang out at a club with some of the other artists performing at the festival.ButallIcan think about is what’s going to happen whenDevonandIget back to the hotel.
Ismile to myself asIpicture him by the pool today with his sculpted, tattooed muscles, his dark hair slicked back from the water, and, when he took his sunglasses off, the brilliant blue of his eyes as they roamed over me.
Ishiver in anticipation of having him all to myself.
Nothinghas been the same since the first night we slept together.No, since that game ofTruthorDare.It’slike every part of me is constantly aware of every part of him.BeingwithDevonsets me alight.Makesme dream of the possibilities.Ofsomething more.
